A new kind of low

Today has been a horrible day, I have tired to stay busy at work, but it is difficult, my mind keeps wondering as it often does. I have a lump that has been in my throat all day, its like I could cry at the drop of a hat, damn PMS hormones. I wish I knew what were raw emotions and what were hormones, then maybe I would feel better.

I realized today that I have reached an all time low in my life. This is the lowest point in my short 28 year life. I feel like I have nothing left, I feel this emptiness that I never knew was possible to feel. I do not want to feel this way, I hate it I want to be happy and enjoy my life, but without a baby it seems impossible. I want so badly to be the family at the park on the swings, and the family at Disneyland (our favorite place) we have so much love and so much to give to a child, why are we not being allowed that opportunity?

The past month has been hard, we have been on a break, waiting for my lap surgery to get scheduled, now looking back I wish I had gone for it and had it on New Years Eve, at least I would know the results and we would be looking forward to our next cycle. My surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday so at least I will have some answers after that.

I feel as if this has become an addiction, because as long as we are doing something and being proactive I feel better, I feel like we are working towards our goal, instead of sitting here waiting with our thumbs up our ass. I was okay at the beginning of the break, but now towards the end I am getting antsy. I feel like a little kid with a countdown to summer vacation.

I have never been a procrastinator- so I am all about get in and get it done and move on, oh how ready I am so ready to move on with my life and start my new role as mother. To me being a parent is the most natural thing, so why this is so hard for us I will never know.

Its so strange because I never wanted kids, I never saw my life with kids, and now I cannot see it without kids. Maybe it was because I was always with the wrong person, John is such a natural with kids and they love him. Maybe it was just that I didn't want kids with anyone but John. I am not sure, maybe I just grew up, I guess it's a good thing that 16 year old's don't want kids, considering that they are still kids themselves.

Being childless is my greatest fear, I even hate the word. I do not even like to look at it or type it, the very thought of that makes me physically sick. We have to do everything medically and humanly possible to have children.

I just need to muster up the strength to fight this battle that is my life. I need to do something, I need to get strong and stop being such a crying pain in the ass. I really need someone to kick me into reality so I can stop being pity party, party of one.