Erie sense of calmness

The past few days I have had the strangest feeling of calmness, unlike I have had over the course of the past 2 years on this trying to conceive journey.
Maybe its because I have renewed hoped that one day we will beat this monster, called infertility, maybe its because I am happy with things the way they are right now, maybe it's because I want to figure myself out, as I have felt so lost the past 24 months. Maybe it's for no reason at all, maybe I am just coming to terms with life.

I have decided that I need to work on me, and my relationship with my husband. We need to have fun and relax, we need to have sex when we feel like it, not when the schedule says so. I need to work out and release some of my stress. I am the first person to defend infertility as being a physical problem, not a mental one. But for me, I really think I have some mental boundaries that are keeping me from achieving my goals.

I really have felt so lost the past two years, I feel like when I had a miscarriage that I lost a part of me, and I have been trying to get that back by getting pregnant, but that's not right. I need to be whole before I can bring a life into this world. The past two years have flown by and I really do not remember most of that, when I think back all I see is the infertility, the months of disappointment and the months of unhappiness. What I am forgetting is that great trips to Disneyland, the great dinners with family and friends, and awesome Mexican vacation where we went jet skiing, where nothing mattered when I was on that ocean, the wonderful holidays and birthdays. All that has taken a back seat to infertility, and I hate that.

Infertility will always be a part of who I am and when this journey comes to an end the wounds will fade away, and I will be a stronger person for having fought this battle. But I cannot let it control me anymore, I am turning over a new leaf, it may sound selfish, but 2009 is all about me! I have to take care of myself, because I am no good to anyone else if I don't. My husband deserves a whole wife, not a beaten down, hysterical, pissed off wife. He deserves someone who is positive and faces her challenges head on. I have been so focused on the future and the what if's that I lost sight of the here and now. I know we will get through this, one step at a time!