Its my blog and I'll vent if I want to!

I have to admit that I was shocked over the comments that came in over my Sarah Jessica Parker blog. So in response to the first comment, NOT the second. I get to have my venting session and y'all get to listen.

Now I have been dealing with infertility with going on two years here and I have to admit I'm really freaking getting sick of it! I have had to celebrate my friends and my not so friends babies at showers more times then I would like to admit. I have had to act happy and smile when people announce their pregnancies even when I want to scream "you don't deserve to be a parent!" I have to go to birthday parties and watch others celebrate their children when it should be me, not them. I hate what this has done to me, I have never been a jealous person, but that is what infertility has turned me into.

And to comment on all the stupid ass advice people have given me over the months, and yes it's STUPID!! First off, relaxing is not going to bring me a baby, and yes I have tried putting a pillow under my butt after sex, I have taken my temperature, and had sex when I was ovulating, and no I don't just want to adopt, we have a freaking medical condition that is hindering our baby making abilities so BACK OFF! This advice has come from friends and family that I love dearly, but they don't have a freaking clue, so please people get a clue. Stop giving advice and just be supportive.

I also have heard it all when it comes to the fertility treatments. I know that fertility treatments are not explained correctly in the media or on TV, so unless you have been there and done that I do not expect you to understand them. But please understand that IVF is not just for rich people, yes it's expensive, but couples save for months, even years, to be able to afford it, because they want a baby. And IVF does not give you 9 kids, like octomom. Also, IUI does not always end like Jon and Kate plus 8- just FYI there are only 14 sets of living sextuplets in the US- that is not that many compared to how many couples go through IUI every year. The goal of fertility treatments is to have ONE baby, not a litter.

In regards to donor eggs and donor sperm, sometimes that is a couples only option- and it can be very helpful in some cases, where there is a medical problem with either the female or the male. In regards to surrogacy, women do not do it because they are vain or do not want to get fat- women suffering from infertility would give their right leg to be pregnant. But there are medical conditions, such as severe cases of endometriosis,, or uterine fibroid, or even a cancer that can make it so a woman cannot carry her own child. So please, if you have an opinion about infertility or fertility treatments and you have not walked in our shoes please do not try, be supportive and just be there for us and support us through all our trials and tribulations and be there to celebrate the new life that will eventually arrive.

So thanks for listening to my rant, but it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to.

Resting

Well, my lap was yesterday, and I had to admit that it was super easy, much easier then expected. I was in pain right after surgery, but after some pain killers I was good, when I left the hospital I had no pain. John and I got breakfast and went home, I went right onto the couch and rested all day. I had on and off shoulder pain (which is expected) as well as some pain around my inscision site (inside my belly button) but I took my pain killers every four hours and had a great nights sleep.

Today I was up when John went to work, I again rested on the couch for the majority of the day, I did venture out to Target and to the dry cleaners. I am having a little more shoulder pain today, and some stomach pains, but I am not taking my pain medicine as much, so it could just be that I am taking less medicine therefor feeling more pain.

Our doctor found no endo, but she did make sure my fallopian tubes are open and clear, so that is good, its been awhile since I had my HSG (which is where the shoot dye into your uterus in hopes that it comes out your fallopian tubes) so at least I know everything is cleaned out down there. I am happy that I don't have any endo, endo can be really painful as well as cause a lot of fertility issues. Like I need one more thing to worry about.

So all is well, I am still taking another three days off to rest and recover, tomorrow I am going to venture out for a few more errands and meetings, but I will still take lots of time to rest.

Mixed Emotions

results, Tomorrow is Shannon's laparoscopic surgery. Seems to be a fairly simple procedure and the people I know who have had it say it isn't that bad. No matter how simple it really is it's still surgery.

Any time you have to be put unconscious for something worries me somewhat. So, I do have some concerns about the whole thing as well as looking forward to it in some ways.

Again using anesthesia can be dangerous and couldn't bear for anything bad to happen to Shannon. Also, the people I have talk to say there is some discomfort afterwards so I feel bad for her. My sweetie is a trooper and I thank her for all she has had to go through.

I also don't know how to take the results. On one hand there may be nothing wrong at all. No Endometriosis, no cysts, no nothing. Which could be a could thing and we'll know that there is non-toxic environment in there.

On the other hand I want to know something is wrong so that at least we can fix it and move on. Right now we perfectly fine and simply experiencing unexplained infertility. Maybe if we find something wrong that we can't it can be corrected and it will be smooth sailing from there.

For those of you who read our posts please pray for us. For Shannon's safety as well as us having a baby one day. Thank you!

Never give up hope!

Today I found out that a good friend on mine, who I met through the trials and tribulation of infertility is pregnant. I am so happy for her, she has been through so much! Three years of dealing with this, 4 IUI's and 1 failed IVF, finally on her 5th IUI she got pregnant. She had insisted on the lap surgery, and sure enough the doctor foundEndometriosis, and she had not one symptom. So congrats to her and her hubby on their Christmas miracle.

I am very happy for her, however there is a lingering cloud of jealously, and sadness for myself. She does give me hope that if she can get through all of this then so can I. I am scheduled for my lap surgery on January 14th, so hopefully the doctor will find something and I too will get pregnant. I hate that I have lost the ability to be genuinely happy for people, its not that I am a mean nasty person, but it gets harder and harder. I truly am the only one left, so the next pregnant person has to be me, right?!

I have always been a competitive person, whether it was horse shows, tennis or school, and its very hard for me to come in last place in the baby race. I know its the smart steady person who wins the race, and I will will one day cross that finish line with our baby in my arms, but everyday infertility race gets a little more difficult to run.

Its been a bad 2 days

I went back to the RE today, as my period has been super heavy the past two days, to the point where it is not normal. They did blood work and I am not pregnant, the doctor said she is not convinced that I was not pregnant, and maybe I just had a really early miscarriage. She is fine with doing the lap to check from endo, which I am happy about. I really feel I have endo and that is causing issues.

I have felt horrible the past few days, not only physically, but mentally. I feel like this will never end, I know that is not true and this journey will not last forever. But I just feel so bad for John, I can take this, but I know he is hurting so much. I can barely type this without having tears come to my eyes. I feel like I cannot give him what he wants, and he should just be with someone else that can. I hate feeling like that, but I want him to be happy. I would give my life to give him his child, because I want him to be a dad. He doesn't deserve this pain, he has done nothing wrong.

This is so hard, this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I know it cannot last forever and it will all be worth it in the end.

RESOLVE support group

Tonight I went to a RESOLVE support group, its a group that meets and talks about going through infertility. It was a great evening to talk to others about going through this roller coaster, it helps to know that you are not going through this alone. We discussed that some doctors are better then others for specific medical conditions. I love my doctor, but sometimes I feel that she is not as concerned with some of my issues and only focuses on the other issues. I have an autoimmune disorder as well as a clotting disorder and I feel that those are being over looked. So I may have a consult with another fertility specialist in town to see if changing some things can cause us to have a successful cycle. I did speak with my doctors office today and I told them that I want to have a lap to look for endo. I have an appt next week to discuss this with the doctor. I know I do not have any of the symptoms, but I do have a big one, INFERTILITY. So I want to know what is going on before we do any other treatments.

Do you have Endometriosis?

Endometriosis or endo as it is commonly know, is a disorder where tissue that is found in the uterus is found other places in the body, and it can directly effect your fertility. The only way to truly diagnosis endo is through a surgical procedure called a laparoscopy (lap). Its a minor outpatient procedure.

Approximately 30-40% of women suffer from endo, and most will deal with infertility. Some common symptoms are;
heavy periods, painful cramps, pain during intercourse, or pain in the lower back, or pain during, before, and after your period and during ovulation.

Now with a lap the endo can be removed and hopefully conception can occur, however in the more extreme cases, stage III and stage IV endo IUI or IVF will need to occur in order to become pregnant.

If you are not looking to get pregnant, going on birth control can help alleviate symptoms, but if you wish to become pregnant be sure to visit your OBGYN or an fertility specialist ASAP for treatment. Endo can be treated, its just about finding the right treatment for you. Many women suffering from endo go on to have healthy pregnancies, but do not wait, if you think you have endo, get to a doctor and get checked out.