How to manage a marriage

When John and I were engaged we went to a 10 week marriage class that was help at our church and it was great, we learned so much about each other, however it did come up that I had very unrealistic expectations of what marriage was. Our counselors told us that it was normal since I never been married before, but I needed to remember that marriage is work, and its not all sunshine and rainbows. Now almost 3 years after our wedding I totally agree with them. Marriage is not easy, you have to work at it. There is always going to be something that comes in in life that can complicate things. John and I have been lucky that we have not had to deal with any major life issue, no family deaths or sickness, no unemployment (knock on wood), no life threatening medical issues. All in all we are doing pretty good. However, infertility has been a big hurdle in our life, not so much in our marriage. I think the first year that we were trying John thought I was nuts he wanted to have a baby, but he was not in a big hurry. By the second year I think we were finally on the same page, he was ready and I was certainly ready. We pretty much had several all out fights and crying sessions over it, we both decided that we would do whatever it takes to have a child. I know so many couples that struggle with infertility and don't make it, either they break up after they have a child, which seems like such a waste, and others never make it to that point. Some break up because one wants a child and the other does not, some break up over infertility issues. It really is so important to talk about it and know where you partner stands on fertility treatments and to what extent you are willing to go. There can be a lot of ethical issues and personal morals that are tested when you start talking about IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm, or adoption. So honesty is very important you cannot hold back anything. I am very lucky that God blessed with a man as patient as John, I know I test his patience at least once a day! He is an exeptional man and will be an exceptional father. That is what keeps me going some days, I want to see him look into his child's eyes, I want to have something that we created together.

Brad Paisley was recently on American Idol performing his new song, Then, it will be released on a new CD titled American Saturday Night. The chorus of the song is great I just love it!

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, now
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

So here's to you my darling John, I couldn't ask for a better partner in this rollar coaster we call life. Hugs and kisses!

Infertility Myth #7

THE EQUALITY MYTH
“My husband is hurting as badly as I am, but he just doesn’t show it.”

For the first year that we were trying after the miscarriage- I think John was really casual about the entire sitation he just kept saying it would happen and to calm down. I was the crazy nutcase who was obsessed with getting pregnant, I really have to admit that for the first year I feel like John and I were on two different pages, he wanted freedom and I wanted a baby. I now can honestly say we are on the same page. When the one year mark had hit and we were not pregnant, I think something clicked with him, maybe it was his age or maybe it was just his biological clock ticking louder, maybe it was all friends having babies, but all of a sudden he was much more open to hearing what I had to say about getting pregnant. Espcially the past few months the infertility is hitting him really hard. As much as I hate to see him upset and hurting, it makes me feel better knowing that I am not on this rollar coaster alone. Once we decided together that we would do whatever it took to have a baby things started to get better, yes we are still upset when things don't go our way, but knowing that we can push forward and eventually we will win this battle with infertility helps me sleep a little better.

Now there is some scientific evidence to suggest that husbands and wives do not necessarily face infertility with the same degree of anxiousness and pain. In one study, 50 percent of the women surveyed said that their infertility was the greatest burden they ever had to bear. Only ten percent of the men responded in the same way. Dr. Joe S. McIlhaney has suggested that, while infertility may be deeply frustrating and hurtful for men, infertility can be a “vicious torment” for a woman. Of course, no two couples will experience infertility in the same way. Countless husbands and wives feel a deep sense of loss and emptiness because of infertility.

The most important thing is to talk to your partner, sometimes you have to yell, scream and cry. Going through all the emotions is part of getting through this process. Just knowing you have eachother will get you through this tough time, and in time you will endure, as a couple!