Just Breathe. . .

When we are 10 years old and playing house with our friends we fantasize what our lives will be like when we grow up. We say we will marry Prince Charming and live in a big white house with blue shutters, a red door, and a tire swing in the front yard. No one stops to tell you that that is not reality.

We grow up a little more and realize around the age of 21 that Prince Charming does not exist and that just maybe we won't have 2.5 children and a white picket fence. We realize that money does not grow on trees and that at some point you have to pull yourself together and go to work.

At some point you get married and after about 2 years the honeymoon phase ends, and then the realty of mortgages, jobs, and responsibility sets in. Then in the blink of an eye you have a baby, and you get hit by a ton of bricks. Whoever thought you could be SO tired? How can a 8 pound meatloaf push you over the edge? Well at 4am when you haven't slept in 3 days you find out just how close to that edge you can get. You realize that sex is the last thing on your mind, the bed is for sleeping now, and sleeping only! You now do not own anything that is not covered in spit up or vomit, and your memory- well forget that, oh wait you already did, and where the hell are my damn keys!!??

If you have not experienced any of these blessed events, just hold on because one day you will and you realize that everything I have just said is oh so true. Now I sit here as a 30 year old working mom and wife. There is nothing I would change about my life, and I do not regret any of the decisions I have made, for those decisions have made me the person I am today, but damn life is hard work!

I feel like I have 10 balls in the air at all times, and I do just about everything I can to keep them all up in the air. My mind, or what is left of it, is constantly thinking of what I have to do 2 weeks in advance, because I need to coordinate it. There is no more going out at the last minute, you need to schedule a baby sitter, there is no time for anything to go wrong- everything must run like a well oiled machine.

There is ALWAYS laundry to be done, meals to be planned, dry cleaning to be picked up or dropped off, groceries to be bought, phone calls to be returned, a house to be cleaned, dinners to be cooked, dishwashers to be loaded/unloaded, a dog to be walked- and the list goes on and on and this is just the daily household things. That is not including what I do during the 8 hours that I am at work.

Then add on taking care of a 18 month old and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my husband there are days where this mountain seems almost to big to even try to climb. Somehow I manage to chip away piece by piece, but I never feel like I get enough done- there are always things that get left undone, and I feel like a failure pretty much on a daily basis. Now this is partially my fault, as I am perfectionist so I like things done my way and a certain way, but most days I feel like I am failing as a mother and as a wife.

My husband tells me that I need a hobby, and I think when do I have time for a hobby? I wish I had time- I wish I knew what I would like to do, because in this time of my life I almost feel robotic. I try to be proactive in certain situations as to avoid an issue down the road and sometimes it just blows up in my face, because I cannot accept that not everyone is like me. I try to plan things out months in advance and then I spend months obsessing, which is using energy that I really don't have to spare.

I feel like I need to just take a step back and breathe, I need to live in the moment and realize that if something doesn't get done the world will not end, I feel like I am missing my daughters most precious time, because I am more concerned that she stay on her schedule.

This is not meant as a bitch session, but mearly away for me to hopefully go back and read this and change things in my life as to make it better and better for those around me.

First comes Love, then marriage, and a baby carriage? Not in my world!

I remember that song- it made everything seem so easy. You fall in love, get married, throw out the birth control pills and 9 months later you bring home your little bundle of joy. But wait, no where in that song did it talk about IVF, daily shots, lots of doctors, and pain and sadness. Well, that is my world, welcome to the world of infertility.

This has been a long journey, about 2 years to be exact, and throughout those 24 months of pain, tears, and sadness John and I have stayed pretty close and never really let it get to us and our relationship. Lots of couples that deal with infertility end up divorced or in marriage counseling. I even know couples who have a baby and then divorce, that seems like such a waste to me. I guess I feel like if you can overcome infertility you can overcome anything in marriage. Now that is not to say that John and I have not had our share of arguments over this- but pretty much we share the same ideas- we will go to the ends of the earth to have a baby- now after #1 I don't think we are so sure. I will do whatever it takes to have one, after that its in God's hands- I don't know if I would ever do this again, it's a lot to handle.

I know this journey will end one day, and there will be a baby at the end, I consider that my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Nothing lasts forever- somehow someway we will overcome this.

How to manage a marriage

When John and I were engaged we went to a 10 week marriage class that was help at our church and it was great, we learned so much about each other, however it did come up that I had very unrealistic expectations of what marriage was. Our counselors told us that it was normal since I never been married before, but I needed to remember that marriage is work, and its not all sunshine and rainbows. Now almost 3 years after our wedding I totally agree with them. Marriage is not easy, you have to work at it. There is always going to be something that comes in in life that can complicate things. John and I have been lucky that we have not had to deal with any major life issue, no family deaths or sickness, no unemployment (knock on wood), no life threatening medical issues. All in all we are doing pretty good. However, infertility has been a big hurdle in our life, not so much in our marriage. I think the first year that we were trying John thought I was nuts he wanted to have a baby, but he was not in a big hurry. By the second year I think we were finally on the same page, he was ready and I was certainly ready. We pretty much had several all out fights and crying sessions over it, we both decided that we would do whatever it takes to have a child. I know so many couples that struggle with infertility and don't make it, either they break up after they have a child, which seems like such a waste, and others never make it to that point. Some break up because one wants a child and the other does not, some break up over infertility issues. It really is so important to talk about it and know where you partner stands on fertility treatments and to what extent you are willing to go. There can be a lot of ethical issues and personal morals that are tested when you start talking about IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm, or adoption. So honesty is very important you cannot hold back anything. I am very lucky that God blessed with a man as patient as John, I know I test his patience at least once a day! He is an exeptional man and will be an exceptional father. That is what keeps me going some days, I want to see him look into his child's eyes, I want to have something that we created together.

Brad Paisley was recently on American Idol performing his new song, Then, it will be released on a new CD titled American Saturday Night. The chorus of the song is great I just love it!

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, now
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

So here's to you my darling John, I couldn't ask for a better partner in this rollar coaster we call life. Hugs and kisses!

Feeling better today

Today I went back to work, and I felt better, being busy helped me. I feel very hopeful I have my follow up appt next Monday with Dr. L to discuss my lap surgery, I hope its not too painful, I have heard that the recovery is fairly easy.

John and I had a good conversation last night, about the what ifs in our life right now. Its really hard but we have to stick together. We have said time and time again that we will do whatever it takes to have a baby, and I truly do believe that. I am going to the adoption orientation in January, I am excited to hear about other options and maybe getting started in the process of forming our family.

John and I have our moments, and boy when we fight we fight, but in the end we do really love each other, and that's really what's all about. We have a beautiful home full of stuff, and I think we are both realizing that this stuff doesn't mean anything if we don't have a family to raise in our home. Somehow someway we will have a child, I hope its sooner rather then later, but I can be patient and wait for God's plan, because this really is all in his hands.