An Infertility Prayer

A girl on the nest posted this and I really liked it.

God, please help me overcome what I can't control. Please give me and my husband the pleasure of becoming parents. Please bless my womb and control the destiny you have already written for me. Please allow us the chance to teach a new child your ways and to be able to overcome this obstacle you chose us to have. Thank you for each and every day you give to us and each and every day that we have each other. I want to rejoice in one of your greatest gifts. You have already blessed me with so much, including your love and my husband. In your name I pray and plead again for your greatest love and kindness to bless me with a child. In your name I pray. Amen."

Thoughts from 08 and hopes for 09

As we get ready to celebrate 2009 I have to think about all the things about 08 that I am grateful for. Looking back I tend to think about all the bad things from 08 and the good things seem to blend into the background.

Things I am grateful for from 2008:
1. My wonderful husband- dealing with infertility has brought us closer together.
2. My wonderful family- I have great parents, my mom has been there for me in all my tears throughout the past year. I have a great and supportive mother in law and two sister in laws, as well as fun and loving nieces and nephews, as well as my great nieces and nephews. Oh how I am loving watch them grow up, Autumn (who is 9) amazes me every time I see her.
3. Holding my nieces son, Neves, one hour after he was born, watching her go through her pregnancy was hard for me, but I had nothing by tears of joy when I held him.
4. Our beautiful new home, we finally have room to grow and entertain- and we were able to rent our other home quickly.
5. Wonderful vacations, we went to Mexico and Universal Studios and had a blast!
6. Watching our business continue to grow slowly but surely, its taught me a lot.
7. This may sound strange, but in a way I am grateful for having to struggle with infertility (though I was gladly get off this train) but it has taught me patience, faith, and made me realize what it truly important in life.
8. Still being employed, with health insurance (that covers some infertility treatments) being able to buy food without thinking about it, being able to treat myself to a new shirt or new pair of shoes. Having a new car that I love that is dependable and safe. I used to get upset because I couldn't buy a $500 pair of shoes that I wanted, but now I am just grateful that I can buy the $50 pair of shoes.
9. Our wonderful doctors, Dr. Littman and Dr. Roth- who have become very special to me- they do everything in their power to help us achieve our dream of becoming parents. I am also grateful that we have the medical advances available to help battle infertility.

So I though I would take a minute to reflect on the years past and my hopes for the new year. I hate the word resolution, because it sets you up to fail, so I try to think about it as goals for 09. The most important thing about abouts goals is that they are attainable and that you set a time limit that you will achieve your goal.

Goals for 09:
1. Eat healthier and work out more- walk the dog, do cardio 2 times per week
2. Get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby
3. Continue to grow our business
4. Continue to do well at my job
5. Spend more time with family, I need to plan a trip to see my parents
6. Vacation more (may be put on hold if pregnant) but try to take advantage of some great dream trips with World Ventures.
7. Continue to love John and make our relationship even stronger
8. Learning to accept life as it comes, not looking to far into the future

Overall 08 has been a growing and learning year for me, I feel like I am learning something new everyday, my patience and my faith has been tested and I am learning how to deal with that. I will keep my faith in God that our lives will be blessed with a baby and many other wonderful experiences.

Cheers to a happy and healthy new year! I will you all great success and prosperity in 2009!

The Meaning of 333...

Hi, Folks. John here. I was having a spell of waking up night after night at 3:33 am. This kept happening night after night. One day I had to write a check and the sequence came up 333. After a few days of this it started to drive me nuts and I had to try and find a meaning.

I started to Google the meaning of 333. The first site I came across posted several Bible verses that had the chapter and verse 3:33. As I read on I found many references to the meaning as God is with you and also the number represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. Was this God's way of telling me he knows our pain and that he was with us?

It made me feel good as I read this. Maybe it meant God would would give us what we were longing for...a baby. Or he wanted us to do something. Maybe help those with infertility issues. Or he was just letting us he know he was there for us.

As I read on I came across an entry from a gentleman discussing how he was waking up at 3:33 on a regular basis as well. He then proceeded to tell a story about how a woman he knew said she had a dream about him and his wife having triplets. His wife wasn't pregnant at the time, but a month later she was. They didn't know what they were having yet, but it was interesting. Was God telling me we were having triplets? If 333 means God is with us then I certainly hope he is if we were going to have triplets.

The gentleman's post continued with stating his birthday, which happened to be mine as well. A posting after his talked about the same scenario and a another gentleman was waking up at 3:33, but the thing that got me was he shared the same birthday too.

I read all this just before we had our first IUI procedure. We have had two IUI's now and both times I was thinking we were going to have triplets. Of course if God was making up for lost time we most certainly would know we were blessed, but we would definitely have our hands full with triplets.

Well as you may have read in previous posts neither of our IUI procedures at this point have worked. So, no triplets yet. But I recently began to think of a new meaning.

Although, I always know God is with us maybe 333 equals 9. With next year being 2009maybe we will have a baby next year. And with all the references to my birthday maybe it will be born the same day.

I am looking forward to next year and all it has to bring and I know God is on our side.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 24, 2008

"The ultimate ground of faith and knowledge is confidence in God."- Charles Hodge

Infertility Myth #6

THE GUILT MYTH
“I/we must have done something wrong to deserve this.”

It is natural to make a direct connection between our sinfulness and a terrible consequence in our lives. Repeatedly, the Bible warns us about the danger of making this connection because most often it is in error! In the days of the Old Testament, Job’s friends suggested that his troubles were caused by his sin, but they were wrong! In the New Testament the disciples of Jesus thought that a certain man’s blindness was caused by sin, but they were wrong too! (John 9:1-3 NIV).

For infertile couples, there is a great deal of encouragement in what the Bible says about Zechariah and Elizabeth, one of the many infertile couples in the Bible. Luke 1:6 informs us that the couple was upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commandments and regulations blamelessly.

I don't know how many times I have asked myself this very question. I have beat myself up trying to figure out what I have done wrong in my life to deserve this. I look at others who get pregnant so easily and try and figure out what they have done differently in their lives then me. I know that infertility is not a punishment, but I look at John and I and here we are a loving couple that has the ability to care for a child and lots of love to give. I do not know why this journey has been so difficult for us. I have found solace in thinking that this is the just the bad that we have to get through to get to the good, this journey will end at some point, we will not endure this forever.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 20, 2008

My faith runs so very much faster than my reason that I can challenge the whole world and say, 'God is, was and ever shall be'."- Mahatama Ghandi

Myth #9

THE FEMINIST MYTH

I think every woman has these thoughts running through her head. Times have changed we are getting married later and getting more education and starting our families later in life. Gone are the days of getting married at 20 and having all your kids by 25. Now the average age that a woman marries is 25.

“We are in control of our reproductive lives. We can determine when, where, and how we will conceive and give birth.”God gives us wonderful freedom to make many choices, but we must never forget that ultimately we are not in control of our reproductive lives. God is. “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain . . . Sons are a heritage from the Lord . . . “ (Psalm 127 NIV).

We also must accept the reality that fertility declines dramatically with age. With women getting married later in life and starting their families later in life their biological clocks are ticking louder and louder. Most couples want to spend a few years enjoying each other and traveling and doing all the things that you cannot do when you have young children. So with the average age of marriage being 25, most women are not even trying to start their family until they are in their late 20's early 30's. Now while that is still young age, fertility is still declining and it's not going to be as easy as it would have been if a woman was in her early 20's.

We also live in a world that relies heavily on the media. There are always celebrities that are having children in their late 30's and into their 40's, Marcia Cross, Angie Harmon, Courtney Cox Arquette, Jennifer Lopez, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, and Brooke Shields. Now some of these stars have used their celebrity status to inform people on fertility treatments, because many of them had to undergo IVF in order to conceive, some even used donor eggs. But many refuse to comment on how their conception occurred, leading many women to think that they have plenty of time and women are having kids into their 40's and not too worry about it.

Also, while I am very grateful in the advances of modern medicine and all the high tech ways that exist in order to help us infertile conceive. It gives women false hope, they think, "oh I can wait, I will just do IVF" what they do not realize is while IVF does help a lot of people achieve their dream of parenthood, it's success rate does decrease over time, it is not an excuse to wait to start your family. Not in a million years would I think that I, being 28 years old, would be looking into IVF in order to have a family. I mean I young, this should be happening on its own. So be aware, get your FSH tested early and know what you are dealing with. There is nothing wrong with waiting to get married and getting a great education, but do not take your fertility for granted.
Current estimates are that one in ten couples in their 20s experience an infertility problem, but the statistics jump to one in seven for couples ages 30-35; one in five for couples ages 36-40; and one in four for couples ages 41-45.

What does God have planned for us?

This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. Shannon and I have had so many up and downs it's overwhelming. Our 2nd IUI has failed, but we are going to continue with procedure as long as we can. Our current insurance provider allows for IUI, but NOT for IVF. IVF is our best chance of getting pregnant, but our current insurance provider does not allow for it. Currently Arkansas, Hawaii, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, and West Virgina are currently the only states that mandate insurance companies cover IVF.

The current price tag, a whopping $20,000, is what we are facing if we have to pay that on our own. And what if it doesn't work? How many times do we keep trying? Do we have to move to another state to get insurance to cover it?

Shannon and I have asked ourselves what does God want from us? Are we being taught a lesson? Are we just not meant to have children? What is his plan for us?

Shannon and I were fortunate to see a young man named Nick Vujicic talk at our church. Nick was born without limbs. He has no arms or legs. Nick talked about growing up with the constant thought of, "Why has God done this to me?" One day Nick realized he had a mission and that his mission was to help others. To tell his story. To show if you think things are bad try not having any arms or legs. One of my favorite stories from Nick is about the word impossible. That impossible is derived from some being lazy and that the word is actually two words "I'm possible."

For me maybe our path is the same as Nick's...to help others. I do have faith that God will give us a child, but are we meant for something else along the way. Are supposed to adopt a child? Fight for state mandates to have infertility treatments be covered in all states? Start a foundation to help good deserving parents to be pay for IVF and other infertility treatments? Or just tell our story to make more people aware? These are just some of the thoughts I am having and a possible answer to why.

Visit www.lifewithoutlimbs.org to hear more about Nick Vujicic's story.

Glimmer of Light...Turns to Dark

Shannon has had an extremely bad cycle this month, which worried me so much, almost seems like she was hemorrhaging. She called the doctor this morning since things have been less than normal and the doctor thought maybe, just maybe at least one of the eggs took. I had a glimmer of hope after this that maybe I would be Dad after all. The thoughts of being Dad ran through my head all day as I looked forward to the possibility. But unfortunately after Shannon doctors visit and another blood test it looks like things are negative.

It feels good to have a glimmer of hope every now and then. Maybe we were pregnant and things didn't quite work out. So the glimmer of light has turned to darkness again. The funny thing today though, I received email from old friend with a message that said. " God has seen you suffering and he says it over. You will be blessed." I also had someone tell me today that God knows you are good person and you are going to be rewarded. And then I received a friend request on Myspace from Jesus. Of course it was Spanish pronunciation of the name, but still it seemed like a sign to me that one day everything was going to work out. Maybe soon.

WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

WHY! That's all I want to know. Today started great. I knew in a couple of days we would know if we were pregnant. Today Shannon and I had lunch at Zaba's at it was packed. Full families and kids everywhere. Shannon began to get upset seeing all children and I knew she was wishing we were there with one of our own. She calmed down and I thought for sure this time would be the time. We would know we were pregnant in just a couple of days.

Tonight we went to a Christmas party and there were lots of children. Mainly girls, which is what would like, but at this point we would take either sex. All the girls were dancing and having a great time. I pictured a daughter of our own dancing and laughing with the other girls. I knew one day that would become a reality.

Upon coming home Shannon began her period. So again another failed attempt at IUI. Time and time again I ask WHY?! Please God bring us a baby!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 28, 2008

"Faith is different for proof; the later is human, the former is a gift from God."- Blaise Pascal

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 26, 2008

"Faith is putting all year eggs in God's basket, then counting your blessings before they hatch."- Ramona C. Carroll

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 8, 2008

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."- Rabindranath Tagore

Poem

This is a wonderful poem that one of my great nesties posted:


I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to displayThe mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I getIs, “Not today”
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I questionmy strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

Moving on

Well, we just returned from an great trip to Cabo! Beauitful weather, and spa treatments, who could ask for more! We are still working on trying to have a baby, our 2nd cycle of Clomid failed, but we are moving forward with more treatment. We have to take the month of March off, so we will try on our own (no drugs!) and then decide what to do next when we see our doctor in April.



I am very optimistic, I know that John and I are meant to be parents, and its just a matter of waiting until its our time. I recently came across a quote that a girl I know told me,



"Your God is big, and He has a big plan for you.. and one day you'll see... that plan will call you mommy"



I love it! This sums up my life perfectly. There are reasons that John and I are not parents yet, and our time will come.

My Hero- My Husband!

There are days that I wake up and wonder how I ever got so lucky! If someone would have told me 3 years ago that I would be were I am in my life right now I would have told them they were crazy. John has been such a blessing in my life, I truly believe he was sent to me for a reason. We have had so many great times together, and some not so good, but through it all John gets me through it.

We have been trying to have a baby for about a year now, and oh how that frustrates me! Thanks God that John has remained so positve through it all! He's so cooperative through the process, he goes to the doctors when he needs to, he takes whatever medicine he needs to and he never complains!

Thank God I have him, I think I would loose my mind if it wasn't for John!