A new kind of low

Today has been a horrible day, I have tired to stay busy at work, but it is difficult, my mind keeps wondering as it often does. I have a lump that has been in my throat all day, its like I could cry at the drop of a hat, damn PMS hormones. I wish I knew what were raw emotions and what were hormones, then maybe I would feel better.

I realized today that I have reached an all time low in my life. This is the lowest point in my short 28 year life. I feel like I have nothing left, I feel this emptiness that I never knew was possible to feel. I do not want to feel this way, I hate it I want to be happy and enjoy my life, but without a baby it seems impossible. I want so badly to be the family at the park on the swings, and the family at Disneyland (our favorite place) we have so much love and so much to give to a child, why are we not being allowed that opportunity?

The past month has been hard, we have been on a break, waiting for my lap surgery to get scheduled, now looking back I wish I had gone for it and had it on New Years Eve, at least I would know the results and we would be looking forward to our next cycle. My surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday so at least I will have some answers after that.

I feel as if this has become an addiction, because as long as we are doing something and being proactive I feel better, I feel like we are working towards our goal, instead of sitting here waiting with our thumbs up our ass. I was okay at the beginning of the break, but now towards the end I am getting antsy. I feel like a little kid with a countdown to summer vacation.

I have never been a procrastinator- so I am all about get in and get it done and move on, oh how ready I am so ready to move on with my life and start my new role as mother. To me being a parent is the most natural thing, so why this is so hard for us I will never know.

Its so strange because I never wanted kids, I never saw my life with kids, and now I cannot see it without kids. Maybe it was because I was always with the wrong person, John is such a natural with kids and they love him. Maybe it was just that I didn't want kids with anyone but John. I am not sure, maybe I just grew up, I guess it's a good thing that 16 year old's don't want kids, considering that they are still kids themselves.

Being childless is my greatest fear, I even hate the word. I do not even like to look at it or type it, the very thought of that makes me physically sick. We have to do everything medically and humanly possible to have children.

I just need to muster up the strength to fight this battle that is my life. I need to do something, I need to get strong and stop being such a crying pain in the ass. I really need someone to kick me into reality so I can stop being pity party, party of one.

Santa Forgot Something...

I remember when I was six years old and had wanted a Six Million Dollar Man action figure so bad. Santa had delivered and I ran through the house showing everyone what I had got. Another year I had wanted this batcopter as part of my Mego World's Greatest Super Hero Collection. My parents had ordered it through the J C Penney catalog and I remember counting the days until it arrived. At one point I was told I was bad, which I probably was, and the batcopter was not coming. But late Christmas morning Santa had come through...I got my batcopter.

I can't remember many Christmas's where I didn't get what I asked for, but this year Santa was a little short...no baby. Unlike Ralphie's Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle from "A Christmas Story", hidden behind a desk as a last minute surprise, there were no gifts hidden anywhere this year. But I take that back. There wasn't a last minute surprise in the form of a baby, but there were plenty of gifts.

Shannon had come through as usual with the things I had wanted. Especially, the DVD of "The Dark Knight", which yes I am still a Batman Fanatic. Another great gift was the ability to share our new home with family and friends on Christmas Eve. This is the first year we had room to fit everyone comfortably as our other homes have always been to small to entertain.

One of the best gifts though this year was the time we spent with our nieces and nephews especially my three year old nephew River. He reminds me so much of myself. He has been on a Indiana Jones kick since the movie came out last summer. But just like me he is a fan of all that is Geek. Batman, Spiderman, and Indiana Jones.

He received a Spiderman costume from his Grandpa for a Christmas gift, I would have died for that thing when I was his age, and he immediately put it on. I became the Green Goblin or the Green "Gobbin" as he called me. We had a blast. Someone said John's a 10 year old in the body of a 38 year old and that maybe I had secretly wanted a boy. We have had our heart set on a girl, but as you know any healthy baby would do for us.

I had shown River my collection of toys from when I was his age earlier in the evening. My Star Wars and Super Hero collection had River's eyes wide open. The constant "Wows" had reminded of the "Wows" I had as kid seeing these things in department stores. At one point he asked me if he could play with my pristine World Greatest Super Heroes Mego action figures. I told to tell him a heart breaking "No,", but a thought had come to my mind that I would probably have to have the collection locked up to prevent little hands from opening those boxes one day.

Although, we didn't receive the main present we were hoping for I did get some great gifts. Spending time with my wonderful wife, family and friends. Remembering the excitement of the all my Christmas's past. And seeing the wonder and joy in children's eyes and knowing that one day I would one day see those same looks on our children's eyes on Christmas.

WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

WHY! That's all I want to know. Today started great. I knew in a couple of days we would know if we were pregnant. Today Shannon and I had lunch at Zaba's at it was packed. Full families and kids everywhere. Shannon began to get upset seeing all children and I knew she was wishing we were there with one of our own. She calmed down and I thought for sure this time would be the time. We would know we were pregnant in just a couple of days.

Tonight we went to a Christmas party and there were lots of children. Mainly girls, which is what would like, but at this point we would take either sex. All the girls were dancing and having a great time. I pictured a daughter of our own dancing and laughing with the other girls. I knew one day that would become a reality.

Upon coming home Shannon began her period. So again another failed attempt at IUI. Time and time again I ask WHY?! Please God bring us a baby!

Tis the season!

Well, last night we put up our Christmas tree and I got a good start on putting up the holiday decorations around the house. I love this time year, I have always been a XMAS nut! The more decorations the better. This year its kinda bitter sweet, we just celebrated Thanksgiving with John's family, who all have kids, we have kids ranging from 9 years old to 6 months old in our family. Its very true that kids make the holidays better. I hope and pray that this is our last holiday's with just us, I would have to have a newborn next year at this time, I would even take just being pregnant around the holidays next year. I just do not know how much more my heart can take.
I am trying to not let it comsume me, but its hard, I feel like getting pregnant would take a huge weight off my shoulders, I really forget what its like to not be worried about this.

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 8, 2008

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."- Rabindranath Tagore

LOOOONG Day

Today has been a long day. At least just minimal cramping this afternoon. I didn't even get home until almost 10PM!

I am kinda tired, I thinking I am heading to bed here soon. I found out today a girl I work with is pregnant with twins. I am happy for her, she has a son, and her and her husband have been trying to get pregnant again for 4 years. But part of me is still jealous!

Is that little twinge of jealously going to go away? I hope so, I keep thinking the answer will be when I am pregnant, I will all of a sudden be happy again with everything in my life. Unlike know where I cringe every time someone says "guess what!" because its always followed by "I'm pregnant" or someone else is pregnant that I know.

I do not want to feel this way, but I cannot help it. I look at parents in stores and think, what did I do differently that makes me not able to pregnant, and they are able to? I would be just as good of a mom as them. I am constantly comparing myself to others that are moms. Thinking if they can do it I can certainly do it.

I am an opinionated person in most all avenues of life, but especially when it comes to children. I have certain things that I feel should be done when dealing with children, and when I find out a parent did something that I do not agree with I immediately think they are a bad parent, or think I would do it better.
I know there is more then one way to do something, and there are different styles of parenting and I should not judge people for their style of parenting or their parental choices, or should I say lack there of parental choices.

Its just that I know John and I will be such good parents, and we have so much to offer a child. Maybe now I am just more appreciative of children, because it has been a struggle for me. Its almost like I feel I will appreciate my kids more and be a better mom because I had to struggle to have them.

I know its wrong to judge others and what they do is none of my business, but when I see parents making bad choices that can harm their children it breaks my heart. Those kids don't know any better they are babies, and they deserve to be loved and cared for.

I guess all this will end when I have my own children and I can parent them how I see fit. Then maybe everyone will think I am crazy! who knows!

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 27, 2008

"Our children are our only hope for the future, but we are their only hope for their present and their future."- Zig Ziglar