Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Just Breathe. . .

When we are 10 years old and playing house with our friends we fantasize what our lives will be like when we grow up. We say we will marry Prince Charming and live in a big white house with blue shutters, a red door, and a tire swing in the front yard. No one stops to tell you that that is not reality.

We grow up a little more and realize around the age of 21 that Prince Charming does not exist and that just maybe we won't have 2.5 children and a white picket fence. We realize that money does not grow on trees and that at some point you have to pull yourself together and go to work.

At some point you get married and after about 2 years the honeymoon phase ends, and then the realty of mortgages, jobs, and responsibility sets in. Then in the blink of an eye you have a baby, and you get hit by a ton of bricks. Whoever thought you could be SO tired? How can a 8 pound meatloaf push you over the edge? Well at 4am when you haven't slept in 3 days you find out just how close to that edge you can get. You realize that sex is the last thing on your mind, the bed is for sleeping now, and sleeping only! You now do not own anything that is not covered in spit up or vomit, and your memory- well forget that, oh wait you already did, and where the hell are my damn keys!!??

If you have not experienced any of these blessed events, just hold on because one day you will and you realize that everything I have just said is oh so true. Now I sit here as a 30 year old working mom and wife. There is nothing I would change about my life, and I do not regret any of the decisions I have made, for those decisions have made me the person I am today, but damn life is hard work!

I feel like I have 10 balls in the air at all times, and I do just about everything I can to keep them all up in the air. My mind, or what is left of it, is constantly thinking of what I have to do 2 weeks in advance, because I need to coordinate it. There is no more going out at the last minute, you need to schedule a baby sitter, there is no time for anything to go wrong- everything must run like a well oiled machine.

There is ALWAYS laundry to be done, meals to be planned, dry cleaning to be picked up or dropped off, groceries to be bought, phone calls to be returned, a house to be cleaned, dinners to be cooked, dishwashers to be loaded/unloaded, a dog to be walked- and the list goes on and on and this is just the daily household things. That is not including what I do during the 8 hours that I am at work.

Then add on taking care of a 18 month old and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my husband there are days where this mountain seems almost to big to even try to climb. Somehow I manage to chip away piece by piece, but I never feel like I get enough done- there are always things that get left undone, and I feel like a failure pretty much on a daily basis. Now this is partially my fault, as I am perfectionist so I like things done my way and a certain way, but most days I feel like I am failing as a mother and as a wife.

My husband tells me that I need a hobby, and I think when do I have time for a hobby? I wish I had time- I wish I knew what I would like to do, because in this time of my life I almost feel robotic. I try to be proactive in certain situations as to avoid an issue down the road and sometimes it just blows up in my face, because I cannot accept that not everyone is like me. I try to plan things out months in advance and then I spend months obsessing, which is using energy that I really don't have to spare.

I feel like I need to just take a step back and breathe, I need to live in the moment and realize that if something doesn't get done the world will not end, I feel like I am missing my daughters most precious time, because I am more concerned that she stay on her schedule.

This is not meant as a bitch session, but mearly away for me to hopefully go back and read this and change things in my life as to make it better and better for those around me.

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