Friday, May 29, 2009

Wait- I thought life was fair?

As a child our parents always tell us "Life isn't fair". I always thought yeah, that's because I'm a kid and you are an adult, you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Well, now that I am the adult I am realizing that maybe my mom was right.

Here I am 28 years old, married to a great guy- we have a beautiful home, a loving family, the best friends anyone could ask for and can't have kids. Now in what part of this does it say that life is fair.

I work with a wide array of people, as in any office setting, and some have better lives then others, and who are the ones that have all the kids? Yes, folks you guessed it the ones that are young, immature, and broke.

Now, I am not saying that just because you have money you should have kids, because there are some rich assholes out there. But there is a certain amount of support that you need to be able to give to a child. In my job I talk to a lot of people and I get my share of calls that go something like this, "I'm pregnant,22 years old, I have medicaid and food stamps (government help), I am unemployed, and I have had no prenatal care." Now do you see my frustration? I literally want to bang my head again the wall, actually what I really want to say is- please let me adopt your baby because there is no way in hell you can care for that child they way it deserves to be cared for. Please God explain to me how she could be more deserving of a child then me?

A lot of people have and will continue to tell me that I am buying my kids, by doing fertility treatments- but you know what I really do not care what they say- this is my life and I will do what is best for me and my husband. When our little one finally makes its appearance I cannot even imagine the amount of love I will have, I think its a admiration that only someone who has suffered struggled for years and years to get to that point can understand. I truly do not believe that someone who has sex one time with their partner gets pregnant and 9 months later has a baby can have the same feelings as someone like myself and John or anyone that has dealt with infertility.

I also have nasty feelings for people that are mean to their children, yes all children have issues and will throw a tantrum from time to time, but come on they are babies- what do they know. NOTHING- that is what your job as a parent is for, to teach them!

I know that John and I will make great parents one day, soon we will get our chance.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Why does music bring back memories?

I was driving in my car today and a song came on the radio, and it was Starship's Nothings Gonna Stop us Now.

This is a song that takes me back to age 7 in the car with my mom, every time this song would come on my mom was dance and sing so loudly. I specifically remember one time and I was upset about something- this song came on the radio and my mom started dancing and singing, by the time we got to the middle of the song I was smiling and singing along with her. This has always been what me and mom consider "our" song.

I still to this day 21 years later LOVE this song, I dance and sing every time it comes on the radio. But today it had a different meaning- the chours of the song:

And we can build this dream together standing strong forever
Nothings gonna stop us now

I realized that this song has a new meaning: It's John and I and our dream is our family- and we are building the dream together. I was literally in tears when the song was over.

I love how music can transform time and take you back to a specific memory in your life. This is one song that has nothing but good memories attached to it. My mom is wonderful, I miss her dearly- but this song brings be a little closer to her and closer to our dream.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Can you survive bedrest for 3 days?

Well, its back to normal tomorrow- back to work and back to life. In a way I am thrilled to get off the couch and join the human race again, but again how can my life be normal for another week and a half- I have six embryo's in me, that may or may not be forming our baby. It's all I can think about. I need to really focus on not being obsessed the next week and a half. But I survived bedrest for 3 days- in a way it was kind of nice and in another way I am so happy to be off the couch.

I found out today that we have more insurance that will cover another try at IVF- so if this doesn't work we will defiantley be doing this again. I wish there was a guarantee, but I know there is no guarantee in life with anything. It just seems like babies are everywhere and everyone can get pregnant, everyone BUT me.

John and I watched Jon and Kate Plus Eight last night, along with the other 9 million viewers- and during the sextuplets birthday party John looked at me and said "I want birthday parties" and he's right. I WILL NOT give up that, not now not ever. I dont't care what I have to do, IVF or adopt I WILL have parties for my kids and be called mom one day.

I know that families are formed in all different ways- but I want so much to get pregnant, and see the babies heart beat for the first time, and decorate a nursery, and go into labor, and bring our baby home from the hospital. Those are all basic human wants and I don't think we should have to give that up.

Monday, May 25, 2009

This Sperm Will Self Destruct In One Hour

Well, we've taking the next big step and pulled out the big guns and have done our first IVF. After years of being unable to conceive naturally and a few IUI's with no results, our first IVF may have finally revealed our problem.

Sperm normally can live up to a week once implanted into the female. Giving it ample time to find where it needs to go. Mine on the other hand only has about an hour. Of course when trying naturally there was no way of knowing this and since the IUI's injected the little guys fairly quickly we had no idea they were dying. This is why nothing has been working. They never have a chance.

My sperm always seemed perfectly normal. Once the initial analysis was over there was no further checking for any other problems and this was never caught until now.

This has been very disheartening as we thought this was going to be the fix all. To be so excited thinking this was the one to feeling doubt just sucks. We did implant 6 eggs. One at least looked pretty good and one is all it takes. See Shannon's post for more of what happened.

For those of you who follow us please pray for us. I feel just horrible that we may not be parents once again. I know Shannon will be devastated. I can't bare to see her disappointed again.

I don't understand why this has happened to the people who are known as "the couple who have everything". This may be the one thing we can't have. We are loving, have a nice home, are able to support ourselves and a child or children, and we would love our child as much as we love each other. I have heard the theory that we pick our parents, but does no one want to pick us? I don't know why that would be.

There are so many people who obviously don't want children. They have abortions, chloroform their kids and leave in car trunks for dead, smother them and bury them in the park, try to sell them on Craigslist, and through them in trash cans. Why do they get to conceive and we do not?

I have to think God wants us to tell our story and help others. But right now I feel we need the help. God please Bring Us A Baby.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Well maybe the 300th post will be lucky!

Today marks my 300th post- I cannot believe it- I have actually written that much about this journey that is my life. Well lets recap that last 2 days. Yesterday I called my IVF nurse because I was feeling really horrible and thought that I have having symptoms of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) which is where your follicles fill up with fluid. It can be very serious if left untreated. My nurse said to rest, and drink lots of fluids and come in on Sunday to see the doctor.

So I went the my RE's office this morning, thinking that I am there to see her regarding my possible OHSS- so John stayed at home. I was feeling much better this morning so I figured everything would be fine. My RE comes out into the waiting room and tells me that my transfer is today and she will talk to me in a minute, but that I should call John and Dr. Roth (my acupuncturist) and to prepare for the transfer.

I call John and tell him to get his butt down to the doctors office, then I call Dr. Roth, who bless her heart drops everything and rushes down to the office to see me.
I then burst into tears, because I know nothing at this point, but I can deduce that the embryos are not doing well, otherwise they would push for a 5 day transfer, not a 3 day transfer. I am pretty much hysterical by the time the embryologist comes to talk to me.

She tells me that due to the issue with the sperm the embryos are not growing properly and we are going to transfer all 6- one was a decent looking 6 cell embryo ( they should be 8 cells by day 3, but it had not been exactly 3 days yet- so that one could still catch up) and then the other 5 were not looking good. My RE suggested that if this doesn't work we should look into donor sperm because there is obviously more of an issue with the sperm then we thought.

I am in shock right now, I never thought in a million years that this would happen. My eggs looked perfect, all 14 were mature- so we don't think its an egg issue.
So pretty much at this time we need a miracle- I know that lots of perfect cycles don't end in pregnancy and lots of bad cycles end in pregnancy-but still.

It's in Gods hands now- please God bring us a miracle!

I am on bed rest for 3 days- and already going crazy! How am I going to make it 2 more days!

Friday, May 22, 2009

And then there were 7!

I got the fertilization report this afternoon, talk about being nervous all day, now I am going to be nervous for the next 2 days, until I hear what is going on with my babies, yes I say babies- because that is what they are to me. I actually am getting teary eyed writing this- because this is the closest we have ever gotten to being pregnant.

Of the 14 eggs- 7 fertilitzed with ICSI, which from what the doctor told me is a miracle. John's sperm swims really quick at first and just just stops and dies off over the next hour or two. So that is why everything looked normal with the counts for our IUI's because yes he did have a lot moving, but they never made it the egg.

Of the 7 that fertilized 5 of them look really good. So we are still pushing for a 5 day transfer- but I will have more information on Sunday.

I am freaking out! I am so anxious, I want my babies home where they belong, in my uterus. I have to stay calm, time to get the relaxation cd out!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Egg Retreival This morning!

Well, we did it- the first big step is done. I had my egg retrieval this morning, they got 14 eggs, so we were very happy with that. This morning was HORRIBLE, I was in the worst pain- thank God they got all those eggs out. Our doctor said that so far all the eggs looked good so far. I don't have the official fert report, I get that tomorrow.

As far as the pain, all I can take is Tylenol, which sucks! Because I am dying for a Perocet, but Tylenol it is. The pain is getting better as the day progresses- but I am still quite uncomfortable.

So the countdown is on for the fert report tomorrow- I am hoping and praying that everything is mature and was fertilized and we have lots of growing embabies.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Pull the trigger!

Oh my god! We made it- it's trigger shot day. I took my HCG shot at 9:30 PM tonight in order to prepare for my egg retreival on Thursday, exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot. The shot itself is painless- but you have to get the timing just right. I was literally watching the clock and waiting.

I was feeling very anxious earlier today, but I did my relaxation cd this evening and I am feeling better now. I think tomorrow will be a LONG day. Not only do I have to get things cleaned up at work because I will be off on Thursday, but I have a meeting plus I am sure I will be ready to get the day over.

So the countdown as begun, I am so excited to find out how many eggs I have and how they look, although if I'm sure I have beauitful eggs, they are mine! HAHA!

Monday, May 18, 2009

And then there were 12- or maybe 15?!

So after a great weekend out of town, I had my final ultrasound and the egg retrieval is scheduled for Thursday, YEA!!! I took my final days of stims today, and tomorrow night I will take the HCG trigger shot- which will tell my follicles to release the eggs in 36 hours. So I report for surgery at 9AM on Thursday. I am so freaking excited, or maybe it's fear. Well, whatever it is I so so ready for this day. Looking back over the past two weeks it's gone really quick, and really has not been that bad. The doctor is hoping to get between 12 and 15 eggs- based on how many mature follicles I have which is a great number, heck maybe there will be some more in there that are hiding.

I am feeling very bloated and full of eggs- so I am very excited to get them out! Needless to say most of my pants are not fitting very well, thank goodness for summer dresses that are forgiving in the waist area!

So I am super excited now I just have to get through the next 3 days.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I feel like a druggie!

I gave myself 3, yes 3 injections today. I never thought I could do it, but really it was not that hard. I fee like a druggie- I have syringes and drugs everywhere, its crazy! I also went to acupuncture today, it was great, SO RELAXING!
I am starting to get ovary pain, they are starting to feel full, which is good, that means the drugs are working!

I go back to Dr. Littman on Friday for another ultrasound, so hopefully all is growing well!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

14 is my new favorite number!

I had my first ultrasound on Monday to check and see how my follicles were doing after 3 days of stims and I had 14 measurable follicles. The doctor was very happy, she said my follicles are slowly but surely kicking into gear. My left ovary seems to be the rockstar ovary- with 9 follicles, the right ovary had 5 follicles. The doctor upped my Follistim and added in another stimulate- Menopour, that is also an injectible- so I am up to 3 shots a day now. Wow, I feel like a druggie!

Overall I feel great, I am starting to have a little ovary pain- which is good- it means my ovaries follicles are growing and containing perfect little eggs!

I used my Anji IVF meditiation cd last night and it was great, I was very relaxed and slept great. It uses meditation and visualtion and there is a track for each part of the cycle, right now I am on the track- stimming- from shots to retreival.

At my doctors request I am going for acupuncture tomorrow- day 6 of stims that is the perfect day for acupuncutre- so I'm sure that will be nice and relaxing, I love going for acupuncture.

I do not have another ultrasound until Friday- so I have full confidence that everything will look great and my follicles will be nice and healthy and contine to grow until early next week- that is my projected egg retreival date.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

In celebration of Mothers Day I would like to wish all the moms out there a great day, and thank you for all you do. I would also like to celebrate families, becasue families are formed in all different ways. This blog usually talks about my journey to become a mom, but today I would like to share a story of a celebrity who finally became a mom overnight and how her life has changed since adopting her little girl. Nia Vardalos the star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding shared her story to parenthood on and it is a heartfelt touching story, and it gives us all hope. This is told from Nia's point of view.

After years of wanting to be parents, my husband and I were given 14 hours notice … then a little girl walked into our house.

Trying to adopt had been a long and frustrating process. But, when we connected with an American Foster Family Agency, it happened very quickly. One night, the phone rang – the social worker told me we’d been “matched” with a 3-year-old girl.

I hung up the phone and stood still for a second. Then, I had to sit down. Within a minute, I was laying on the floor. Yeah, this was real: A little girl was coming to our home. Tomorrow.

There wasn’t a baby shower, there wasn’t time to discuss with family and friends, there was no way to really prepare for her arrival.

She arrived without an instruction manual. I didn’t know if she had a sleep schedule, food allergies – there wasn’t even a note pinned to her shirt. She just walked in and looked up at me, like “got lunch?”

There isn’t a word for the elation I felt. I grinned like a maniac and jumped into parenthood.

We got to know each other: we blew bubbles in the backyard, drew with sidewalk chalk, threw the ball for our dog, (who looked up at her, like “dibs on the big bed.”)

Together, we decorated her new bedroom – arranging white furniture, laying out a pink rug, messily peeling and sticking purple flower decals on the walls.

I was delighted by her: Every facial expression, every tantrum, every small thing she did was fascinating and fantastic. Mornings were now a flurry of juice spilling, tiny clothes washing and frenzied kid-chasing. It was thrilling chaos.

Our families and friends were so happy for us, and our priest sweetly asked if he could bless her.

So, that Sunday we headed to church. Our daughter silently took in the chanting and the smell of incense as the sun shone through the stained glass windows.

After the service, the priest softly gestured for us to join him at the front of the church. He began to read. But I wasn’t hearing a standard blessing. This was new to me. It was a special prayer for … adoption.

The words and ceremony were a beautiful acknowledgment that some families are created in different ways, but are still in every way, a family.

The priest said the words, “Today you have given birth to your daughter,” and I began to cry. It all poured out. All the grief, all the anger, all the angst at the difficult and long journey to parenthood. And that outpouring of tears was quickly followed by a peaceful gratefulness.

I held my daughter in my arms and thanked God for bringing her to me. If the standard route of creating a family had worked for me, I wouldn’t have met this child. And I needed to know her. I needed to be her mother. And in that moment, I knew why it had all happened this way: So I could meet this little girl. She is, in every way, my daughter.

Curiously, we humans seem to need these rituals to get things into our skulls. There isn’t just one reason we need these rites. Sometimes we need to witness, sometimes we need the catharsis. That ceremony on that day was healing and more importantly, helped it sink in that I am a parent, no matter how my child came to me.

I thanked the priest for the ceremony and we headed home. And I realized … while I have walked into the church many times … on this day, it was the first time I walked out as a mother.

This is such a great story, so many people hide thier feelings and do not tell their story. I admire Nia so much for opening up and sharing her life with us, through her journey she can inspire others, she certainly inspires me. So here's to all the mother's- I will be a member of your mommy club soon!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Stims start your engines!

As instructed I started my Follistim on day 3 of my cycle, which was yesterday. Again, Follistim is a very small needled that is injected into the tummy area. It doesn't hurt a bit. Follistim is my friend, it's liquid gold (as I call it) it makes the follicles grow, therefore creating lots and lots of eggs.

I call it liquid gold because its VERY expensive, I am so lucky to have insurance coverage for it, otherwise it would run around $3000 for one IVF cycle. The more stimulation you need to get your ovaries going the more drug you need- so some women spend tons of money of these drugs. Other common drugs that are used to stimulate the ovaries, is Gonal F and Bravelle.

I go back to the doctor on Monday, so after 3 days of stims we will see where I am with follicle growth. I am also still taking a small dose of Lupron just to keep my ovaries from ovulating and releasing the eggs before the doctor is ready for them and before they are mature enough. So I am up to two shots per day, but again they are a piece of cake- I never thought I would say that.

I have a mix of emotions right now- I am super excited- we have been waiting for this for over a year- but I am also scared- because it's real! I am just taking it day by day and concentrate on what I have to do today- and not worry about tomorrow.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Baseline = Starting Line

Ready. . . . Set. . . . Go. . . .

Today was the ever important baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and I am happy to report that I passed with flying colors. My ultrasound showed about 11 follicles and my lining was nice and thin, just the way they like it, and no cysts! My doctor said she is expecting around 12 eggs, which is average, and she said that I should be very happy about that. All my bloodwork looked great! They have to make sure that your estrogen is very low and that your body is absorbing the Lurpon so you don't ovulate until the doctor wants you to. So everything looked great, and my FSH was 3.5, that is the lowest it has ever been. So hopefully that means that my eggs will be great quality and make great embroyos. FSH is a basic bloodtest that is done on day 3 of a cycle and it is the first step in assessing ones fertility. Normally the lower the number the better, anything over 10 is usually a reason for concern.
One thing I have to remember is this is a marathon, slow and steady, not a sprint to the finish line.

I did have a mini break down on my way from the doctors office to my office, I was driving and all of a sudden the tears just started flowing. I do feel better after I cry, so that is the upside. Everyone tells me to be positve and optimistic, but it's a lot harder then it sounds. But I take their advice and put on a smiling face and block out the negative thoughts!

Here we go, we are so ready, this has been 2 1/2 years in the making!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

You are naming your baby WHAT?!?!

Faddish baby names don't retain their appeal for long, a new study suggests. But names that take their time becoming popular seem most apt to stick around.

The findings, from research published Tuesday May 5th ,in a top scientific journal, offer insight into how we become suspicious of sudden fads and prefer the tried and true, said the study's lead author, Jonah Berger, assistant professor of marketing at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.

"Things that catch on more quickly are more likely to be seen as fads and decline more quickly," Berger said. "We can show that things that catch on quickly are less successful over all."

That dynamic could be at play in everything from music and fashion to cars and hair styles, Berger said.

In the study, Berger and his colleagues examined the popularity of 2,570 names given children in France between 1900 and 2004. They also looked at names that were given to at least 1,850 babies in the United States in any year in that period, as long as the names remained fairly common for at least six years.

The researchers found that many names grew in popularity over decades and then dipped. The name "Charlene," for example, was most popular from about 1930 to 1970, before dwindling in popularity and becoming fairly uncommon by 2000.

The names "Kristi" and "Tricia," by contrast, zoomed up in popularity in the early 1970s but lost much of their appeal by 1985.

In other words, they were fads that fizzled. "Faster adoption speed means faster death," Berger said.

The name "Shaniqua" also demonstrates the fad phenomenon., a Web site that tracks baby names, reveals that the name zoomed up in popularity in the 1980s and 1990s but vanished by 2000.

And what about names that have been around seemingly forever? "They probably didn't catch on very quickly," Berger speculated. "They probably caught on more slowly and deliberately" and, therefore, had staying power.

The findings can help marketers figure out how much buzz their products need to be successful, Berger said. "As marketers, we might want to manage the process, encourage a trickle rather than a gushing thing right at the beginning." Results of the study appear online Tuesday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

George Belch, chairman of San Diego State University's marketing department, said there may indeed be some parallels between how people choose baby names and how they choose products.

"It demonstrates the fact that when you have something that becomes very popular and widespread, that's good in the short term," he said. "But as something becomes more popular, that starts to end up being more of a negative cue.

"Human nature is such that people really want to be unique and different," Belch said. "And once they start thinking that they're following others, the things that were once making them feel unique or different start to work against them."

So think about this next time that you want to name your child a trendy fad name, because chances are in 20 years it will be a fizzle NOT a fad!

Holy Hot Flashes!!!!

Well after 5 days of Lupron I am having EVERY side effect of the drug. Not only am I cranky and moody, but I have the worst hot flashes. It does not help that it is already 85 degrees in Vegas. I have had to turn down the a/c and turn up the fan. It's been an adventure!
Poor John- he needs to wear long underwear and a winter coat to stay warm in our house.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Excitment meets fear!

I don't think I have ever been so excited and so scared all at the same time.
I had my mock transfer yesterday, everything went fine- the doctor just takes just measurments of the uterus so they know where to put the embroyos. I also had an ultrasound and NO CYSTS, yea!! I stared the Lupron injections and they are very easy they do not even hurt, however I have a constant headache- which is common with Lupron.

The are two things in the world that I am terrified of:
1. Snakes
2. Flying

Now, I fly, because there is really no way to avoid it- but I have to be drugged and I pretty much freak out for the entire flight! As for snakes, I avoid them at all costs- on TV, at zoo's, and any where else that they may be. As scared as I am of flying and snakes, IVF has be seriously freaked out. On one hand I am so excited, and on the other I am more scared then I have ever been in my entire life.

So back to the doctor next week for my baseline appointment- they will take blood and do another ultrasound and if everything checks out okay I will start on the Follistim to start getting my ovaries in gear and making eggs!