Friday, October 31, 2008

1 day past IUI

Well, here I am one day past my IUI and I feeling much better. I still have cramping on and off and I spent a great evening on my couch with my wonderful hubby watching movies and eating too much candy!

We handed out candy and I cannot wait until we can share that with our own children, soon!
Tomorrow I have to start eating my pineapple to help with implantation. I have to go buy some, I already bought the stuff to make pineapple smoothies. But I think I will head to Tropical Smoothie first thing in the morning and get a good start on the day.

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 31, 2008

"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes so strongly has within him the gift of miracles." -Samuel Smiles

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 30, 2008

"Never talk defeat. Use words like hope, belief, faith, victory."-Norman Vincent Peale

IUI #1 Complete!

Well we completed our first, and hopefully only IUI this morning. John turned in his best sperm count ever! The doctor was thrilled, its almost like he has no sperm issues anymore. I guess his vitamin cocktail has been working!

The procedure itself hurt a little, but I was able to drive home without any problems. But I was in for a shock about 2 hours later. I developed the worst cramps. I could barely walk, I was in tears. I have never in my life had such bad cramps. I called the doctor and they told me to drink lots of water and take some Tylenol. I did and a few hours later I was feeling much better.

So, I am so happy that I stayed home today, I cannot imagine having to have worked today, I would have been miserable. So I am still relaxing this evening, I am tired and looking forward to a good nights sleep.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

IUI in less then 12 hours!

Well our first IUI is tomorrow, very early in the morning. Poor John has to be there super early. I am nervous, but I am excited. I keep thinking, this could be it! This is a much better shot then us just trying on our own, so I am very optimistic.

Its been a long week so far, so I am so happy to be relaxing at home after my IUI tomorrow.
I have been feeling so sick all day, that is a side effect, and I am so bloated, with horrible ovulation pain. But tomorrow I will fee much better!
Wish us luck!

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 29, 2008

"Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless."-Jamie Paolinetti

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

And the count is on!

Tonight was HCG trigger night, its a big needle with medicine that is needed to have my follicles release my mature eggs. It takes 36 hours to work so that is why my IUI is scheduled 36 hours after the shot. It didnt really hurt, so I was happy about that!
I feel really bloated and my ovaries hurt, but other then that I am holding up! I cannot wait to relax on the couch after the IUI, it will be nice just to put my feet up and not worry about a ringing phone or clients. I am happy that I decided to take the day off. I am planning on watching movies.

I was reading tonight about an organization called Fertile Dreams, they offer grants for people who could not otherwise afford fertility treatments. I love that idea, I am going to start an organization when my journey to parenthood is complete. I do not feel that money should stand in the way of people starting their family.
I am determined to have something good come out of all this.

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 28, 2008

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"-George Bernard Shaw

Monday, October 27, 2008

Holy Follicles!

Today I had my day 7 ultrasound, and I have 5, yes you read that correctly, follicles. So we are a go for the IUI on Thursday. I took my last dose of Follistim today, I will do my HCG trigger tomorrow night and I will have the IUI on Thursday. I think John is a little nervous about having more then one baby. But, at this point we will take it as it comes.

Im so excited, I am very optimistic going into this. My lining looks great and my doctor said I was having a text book cycle.

Wish us lots of luck!

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 27, 2008

"Our children are our only hope for the future, but we are their only hope for their present and their future."- Zig Ziglar

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Follistim Day 6

Today is day 6 of the Follistim shots, I am starting to have some bruising on my stomach, but no pain. The needles are really small and I cannot even feel them. I am very surprised that there is even bruising. But its all worth it!

My doctor lowered my dosage because I was making too many eggs, so I guess its good to know that my body does at least know how to do something right!

John and I would be so excited to have twins, and we understand the risk of multiples when taking fertility drugs, especially in conjunction with IUI, but we have been waiting so long that we would be blessed to have twins, but I can tell you that would be it, I would have my tubes tied and we would be DONE!

I went and had my acupuncture done yesterday, its so relaxing, its really the only time that I can truly be calm and focused. I highly recommend it.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow to see how things are progressing.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Follistim Day 3

Today was a good day! No strange side effects, I go to the doctor tomorrow for my first ultrasound to check and see how I am progressing.

Busy at work, but nothing that I cant handle, at least it keeps me occupied and I have less time to think about other things.

Talked to my mom tonight, she asked me about coming home for Thanksgiving. In a way I would love to go there and see everyone, but I hate flying, epically during the holidays, its such a pain in the butt! And if we are onto another IUI then I have to think about when the insemination would be. So its official, my life revolves around my ovaries! Who would have thought!

I'm really tired, off to bed, I have to be at the doctors office bright and early!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Day 2 of Follistim

Well today is day 2 of the Follistim, and so far so good. I have no side effects and I feel great. Too bad everyone at my office thinks I'm diabetic, because I sneak off to the bathroom with my little kit and give myself my shot. Too bad, I'm not telling the entire world. Only about 3 people know whats going on, so I guess let everyone think I'm diabetic.
You know its crazy but I don't want the entire office to know my business or what my ovaries are doing on a daily basis.

One thing that did upset me today was there is a girl at my office, and she thinks she is the princess, and feels that she should be treated as such. There was an issue with her and I requesting off the same day. Well, most likely it will be the day that I have my insemination, but I retracted my request and told our HR dept that I will have to see, depending on how I am progressing when the insemination will be, so I may end up being off on that day anyways. Cause guess what, I have not gone through hell and all of this to not listen to the doctor and take it easy after the IUI, and me getting pregnant is more important then her day off. She has no children, doesn't want kids, and knows what I am going through, and she chooses to be inconsiderate.
A normal person would say, "I understand what you are going through you take the day, because of your procedure" but not her. I really hate people sometimes!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

IUI #1 we are a go for launch!

I had my day 3 appt today with our fertility specialist. I had my blood drawn, yet again! I swear they are vampires over there! No, the blood really doesn't bother me, I have had so much drawn, one tube is nothing! I also had an ultrasound, which shows how my follicles are growing so they can see how my eggs are developing. Everything looked good and I was told to start my injections of Follistim. Follistim is an overpriced drug (and I am not kidding, its way expensive) that causes your body to make more follicles, therefore producing more eggs. So the more eggs there are the more targets the sperm has.
Shots don't bother me, its such a small needle, but I had myself so psyched up for the shot that I made myself sick, I literally had a stomach ache after I left the doctors office. But after about an hour I felt fine.

So, I go back to the doctor on Friday for another ultrasound. to see how my follicles are growing, I will keep you updated!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Infertility Awareness Week

This week is all about awareness. I feel that is why I was chosen to have to go through this journey. To help others understand and be aware. I would encourage all women to get to your doctor and talk to them about your ability to have children, even if you aren't ready. A simple blood test can show your ovarian reserve and give you some insight to your fertility.

We live in a society where women are putting off having children either because they are going to school, or taking their time getting married. Gone are the days where women are married by 20 years old and having children when they are 22. The average age that a woman gets married is increasing every year.

Hollywood is also painting an incorrect picture of what its like to have children older. Many actresses have made no secret that they have had their children in their 40's. While this is great, and woman should be able to have their family at any age, but many have endured many fertility treatments, such as IVF and some have even used donor eggs. Some actresses have been very open and honest about their fertility struggles, such as Marcia Cross and Courtney Cox Arquette, but others have decided to stay quiet and women get the wrong idea, thinking I have all the time in the world to have children.

So be proactive and take control of your fertility, you will be glad that you did!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Its all about the Sperm!

Our official diagnosis is male infertility, due to low morphology. Now if you didn't understand a word in that sentence I will explain.

Men have a biological clock, just like women, only their ticks a little slower, but can still create problems. The easiest thing to check and normally one of the first things to do when dealing with the inability to get pregnant is to have a semen analysis done on the male. All of the women's test are very invasive and can be painful, where a semen analysis is very easy for the male to do and is not invasive at all.

There are 4 things that are tested in a semen analysis:
Volume- Should be at least 2 ml
Sperm Count- Should be at least 20 million per ml
Motility- Should be greater then 50%
Morphology- Should be greater the 14%, but anything over 4% is considered decent (Kruger scale) if testing on a WHO scale it should be greater then 30%

There are 2 scales with morphology, Kruger is stricter and is used by fertility specialist, WHO is used by most basic labs. I really suggest the Kruger scale, because it will give you a better test, but it just depends on your lab and what type of doctor ordered the test.

There is a lot of debate about morphology, as to how much effect it has on male fertility, and its a heavily debated issue in the world of fertility.

My husband has been diagnosed with having low morphology, so we are told that his sperm cannot penetrate my egg and fertilize it. Well, that does create a problem, if the egg cannot be fertilized then I cannot get pregnant. It all makes sense. But the good thing is that he has sperm and they are good swimmers.

We were told that IVF with ICSI ( intracytoplasmic sperm injection) was our best option, because it allows the lab to take the sperm and directly inject into my egg, therefore taking our sperm problem out of the equation. The fertilized egg will then be put into my uterus and hopefully implant, and then I am pregnant! We were told if we going to have a problem, this was a good problem to have, because it can be solved very easily. IVF with ICSI is very common, it gives the best results.

So if you having problems getting pregnant have your husband or partner get a semen analysis, it may give you insight as to what the problem is.

Our road to parenthood

I thought I should give a little insight to how I got to where I am in my fertility journey. So here is our journey:

August 2006- Married, decided to wait a few months to have kids
December 2006- Threw away the Birth Control pills
January 2007- Surprise BFP (big fat positive)
February 2007- Miscarriage
April 2007- Started trying naturally again
September 2007- Saw my OBGYN, expressed my disappointment that we were not pregnant- HSG ordered for me and Seman Analysis ordered for my husband.
After seman analysis came back questionable referred to a urologist and a fertility specialist
Met with urologist- he told my husband that nothing was wrong, told him to order special vitamins to help with sperm health, and said come back if you aren't pregnant in a year.
I met with fertility specialist (RE) and was told that IVF was our best option, because of our sperm issues. Doctor said lets retest sperm in 3 months
January 2008- Sperm Analysis repeated- it showed some improvement- told IVF was still our best option. Doctor moving into a new office, we are on hold until spring. Decide to take Clomid and try some timed intercourse.
March 2008- 2 rounds of Clomid and Timed Intercourse failed- still waiting until doctor is in her new office
April 2008- Doctor moved into new office, repeat seman analysis- told IVF is best option- we decide to go ahead with IVF in the Fall- due to us moving in the summer.
June 2008- Get moved into new house, find out my new insurance covers 6 IUI's at 100%- starting September 1st.
Decide to try a few IUI's because we have nothing to loose with our insurance paying for them.
September 2008- IUI #1 postponed due to ovarian cyst
October 2008- waiting to start IUI #1- found out that April 2009 we have IVF coverage, YEAH!! Will still move forward with the IUI's in the meantime, hopefully we won't need IVF.

So that's our journey, its been a lot of waiting! I am so sick and tired of waiting!

My beef with Insurance companies

I have done a lot of research on insurance companies and what they cover and what they do not. Some of the major carriers, Aetna, United Health Care, and Cigna do offer some fertility benefits. Some even cover In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Inter Uterine Insemination (IUI) as well as the drugs that go with them. It just depends on what policy your company chooses to offer for its employees.

I am very lucky to have coverage for 6 IUI's under my insurance, and my husbands company policy covers IVF, but that does not go into effect for a few more months. So I am very happy to have some coverage.

It really bothers me that insurance companies will pay for, birth control and abortion, but they will not pay for fertility coverage. We didn't choose this road, I didn't choose to not be able to have children the old fashion way. Infertility is a medically documented problem and should be treated as such.

My suggest for everyone is to talk to you Human Resource dept and get information on all the policies that are available to you. Ask if they cover fertility treatments or diagnostics. HMO policies are usually the plans that have fertility coverage, but be informed, ask a lot of questions and get the insurance plan that is right for you.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Lost so much respect for someone!

I was with a friend on mine yesterday, now not a good friend, but a friend. She and her husband have been married for over ten years. They are in their late 30's, have good jobs, and a lovely home. We were talking about my IF issues, and I was telling her how happy I was that I was not invited to another friends baby shower, I am good at buying gifts and sending my congratulations, but being there in person is really hard for me.

So, anyways I asked her why her and her husband never had kids. Where they not able to, or was it just not something they wanted. She answered that they never wanted kids, and are both too selfish to have kids.

That's fine, I am not here to judge anyone, if you don't want kids, that's fine, I am just happy that she is with someone who feels the same way. So I continued to ask her, what do they use for birth control, because they are still both in child bearing years.
I was thinking she would say that her husband had a vasectomy, or she had her tubes tied, but she said they used condoms!

Again, not here to pass judgement, but CONDOMS! You are married for goodness sake. If I told my husband he had to wear a condom he would say, why the heck did I get married?!

I acted kinda shocked, but I said well that's good (I mean what do you say to that) but she continued to tell me, that they had decided that if she ever got pregnant that she would just have an abortion.

Now, again I really mean this, I am not passing judgement on anyone and what you choose to do with your life is your business. But I was absolutely appalled!

First off, why would you tell me this, I'm a friend who she knows is struggling to get pregnant. Do you really think I would want to hear about abortion. Secondly, here are two people who are able to care for a child, both financially and emotionally, how could you abort your spouses child!?

I turned to her and said, "if that ever happens please don't tell me about it!"

Seriously! I was so upset for the rest of the day, how could she say that, and to me of all people! I lost so much respect for her, because I really feel like she was not even thinking of my feelings in that conversation or her comments, and I cannot have people like that in my life!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lots of questions!

I think the worst think about this road to parenthood is all the waiting. I feel like we have been waiting all year long. Its October and we are still waiting! Now I am waiting for my period to show up. Its like, all the months that I wished that my period would stay away, I actually want it to show up so we can get this party started!

Its really been a rough week, I'm tired, not feeling so hot and dealing with some other personal issues.

Infertility really takes a toll on you, emotionally, financially, and mentally. Sometimes I feel like John and I are totally on the same page, and other times I feel like we are on opposite sides of the earth. Not so much with having a baby, because there is no doubt in my mind that he wants to be a dad as much as I want to be mom, and we are both willing to go the distance to be parents. But being stressed out because of fertility issues, spills over into a lot of other life issues.

Everyday things that may not cause issues in most people's lives I feel like they are blown out of proportion because of how much stress we have. I hate it! I just want to have a baby, and be a mom. I really don't think that I am asking to much. Isn't that what we are here for, to breed and create more life to live on after us? I used to say I wanted 2 kids, but now I would be happy with one, just ONE! I have so many questions, that are unanswered, and its all the uncertainly in my life right now that I hate.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Living in an Fertile world

Dealing with infertility is hard enough, the doctors appts, the shots, the waiting, and the disappointment. But when you have to get through it all while sharing everyone else's happy pregnancy news, its makes it even harder. Since starting down the road to parenthood, I have know, 25 (yes 25) people that have had kids. That's 25 congratulations, when you don't really mean it, and 25 moments of wishing it was me.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for others, but its just such a sad time for me that its really hard not to be jealous. I am literally the only one left, everyone else is either pregnant or has had their baby. I actually have friends that are lapping me, and that are pregnant with baby #2! I even have friends that are 10 years older then me getting pregnant.
Now, explain to me how this happens!

Every time I turn on the TV there is that stupid commerical for the FREAKING Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy test, every store, restaurant, and office I go into has baby stuff, and there are babies everywhere!
Even on the news stand, I cannot pick up an US Weekly, People, or In Touch without seeing "Hollywood Bump Watch" or " Who's due next" I literally want to slit my wrists. When did the entire world start having babies?!
I just want to curl up in bed and wake up when I am pregnant. Getting through everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a battle for me, I just keep thinking one day at a time, that's all I can do!

Monday, October 13, 2008

My Story- the good, the bad, the miscarriage.

Well, since I have been telling you about different ways to help you get pregnant, I feel its only fair that I share my story.

It all began in August 2006- John and I got married and decided that we wanted some alone time before we starting trying to have a baby. We agreed that March 2007 is when we would start trying. So, in December of 2006 I decided to go off the pill, thinking that it would take 2 months to get my body back to normal. Well, fast forward a month to the end of January 2oo7 and my period is 4 days late. I arrived home from work and decided to take a home pregnancy test (HPT) just to see. Much to my surprise it was positive, I couldn't believe it, I was pregnant. But I had to be sure, I mean it was an old test, and they can be wrong. So it was a Friday night and John and I had our usual dinner out plan. We went to Ceasars Palace at ate at the Cheesecake Factory, throughout the entire meal I didn't say a word. But after dinner we went home and I went to Walmart and bought 4 HPT's. I came home and about midnight they were all positive.

Now, being married to a banker I have learned the personality, everything is planned and everything in the right time. Well, this was not the right time, it was 2 months before John wanted kids. So, nervously I walked into the office with the Clear Blue Easy digital test and said, "promise you wont be mad" and showed him. He was very excited. I was relieved!

We were pregnant! I couldn't believe our luck! My mom had struggled for years to have me, so this was a shock! All I kept thinking was, we didn't even have to try!

We told our mom's and that was about it, but our family cannot keep a secret so within 2 days the entire family knew.

Well, our excitement was short lived, 2 weeks later I started spotting, I immediately called the doctor who ordered blood work, everything came back perfect, but they scheduled me for an ultrasound the next week. Two days later my spotting turned into bright red blood. I called my mother, the nurse, and she immediately jumps on an airplane and flies 3000 miles to be with me. Now I love my mother, however this was not the time to have her staying with me! I know she was trying to help, but it was not helping.

I kept my ultrasound appointment and to our dismay there was nothing to see. I knew it in my heart. I had such extreme pain and so much blood, I knew I was miscarrying. I will never forget that day, February 13th, 2007, it was horrible. I hate that doctors office and I hate that office building. I have since switched doctors so I do not have to go back there.

I went back to work the next day, although I do not know why, and I had to act like nothing was wrong, and be excited that it was Valentines Day. John and I still went out to dinner, but not even the best meal could make me feel better. I took some time to grieve, and feel bad for myself, until I realized that being sad wasn't going to change anything.

Over the next few weeks I started to feel better. I thought we got pregnant once, we will get pregnant again. I kept thinking if I can just get pregnant everything will be okay. But as the months went on and on, without being pregnant, it got harder to deal with.

I still wonder what things would be like if I hadn't lost that baby. I also know that there are things that have happened that would not have happened if we would have had a baby, our business is the prefect example.

Now that it has been almost 2 years, I have moved on and I try not to think about my miscarriage, but it is a part of me, just like infertility is a part of me. I will beat this, I will hold our baby in my arms.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A little more techno!

So yesterday I discussed how to chart your temperature and use ovulation predictor kits to track your ovulation. Now, there is an easier way!
For all of you that don't want to wake up, take your temperature, and track it every day.
There is an easier way! The Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM). Its a machine that is about the size of your palm that takes sticks that track your cycle. Its very easy to use, you set it when you start your period and then it will tell you when it needs a stick. When the stick is inserted it simply tests the amount of hormone in your urine and spits out a reading. It tells you when your fertility is low, high, and peak. That way you can plan intercourse when your fertility is at its peak.

The monitor can be purchased online, or at a pharmacy. I have at the best luck at Walgreens. I purchased my monitor online from an online pharmacy, I got it at a discount and it came with a 3 month supply of sticks.

The CBEFM is an investment, the monitor itself runs about $150-$200 depending on where you purchase it. And for a 3 month supply of sticks its about $50, again depending on where you purchase them. I have searched all over and the only pharmacy that I could find the sticks at consistently was Walgreens.

I highly suggest the monitor for someone who doesn't want to go through the hassle of the temping and the charting. And the CBEFM is very effective, I have never had it be wrong with its timing.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


This is a wonderful poem that one of my great nesties posted:

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to displayThe mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I getIs, “Not today”
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I questionmy strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

Understanding your body- your first step!

For some people the act of conceiving will never be an issues, but for one in every six couples conceiving will be difficult and the first step to success is understanding your body and what to look for.

The easiest and most cost effective way to start to understand your body and when ovulation occurs is to chart your Basal Body Temperature (BBT). A Basal Body Thermometer can be purchased at any Walmart, Kmart, or Target for less then $15. Just make sure that you purchase a Basal Body Thermometer, they are different then the ones you would use to take your temperature when you are sick. The easiest way to track your BBT is to take your temperature at the same time everyday, and you want to take your temperature before you get out of bed, so keep your thermometer near your bed, in a nigh stand is always a good place. Just write down the temperature every morning starting on day one of your menstrual cycle.

Keeping track of your BBT is a way to document whether or not you have ovulated. A specific hormonal change during your cycle triggers a rise in basal body temperature. By taking your temperature every day you can chart the rise of your temperature and note the day you ovulate. The BBT chart will not predict when you are going to ovulate, but can serve as a record of your patterns. This will be very helpful when you see your doctor, most doctors will want to see 3-6 months of BBT charts. This aids in seeing if you are ovulating on your own.

You can also purchase ovulation predictor kits (OPK), those can be purchased at any drug store, Walmart, or Target in the family planning section, and usually cost about $20 for a one month supply. OPK's are helpful in helping you determine when you are going to ovulate, so you can time intercourse appropriately. They are very helpful when used in conjunction with a BBT because you can track up to your ovulation day and then confirm that you ovulated with the help of your chart.

For more information on charting pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility, its a great book and very informative. Even after you have read it its a great reference book to keep on hand.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Today I found out that my cysts are gone, we can move onto IUI this month!!
Bring it on! We are SO ready!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

One in Six

Did you know that?
That one out of every six couples is struggling with infertility.

That's a lot of people! Everyone thinks that having kids is so easy, and whenever you want it to happen it will happen.
I'm here to tell you that you have to be proactive in what you want in life. We didn't choose this road, but we are and will continue to be stronger people because of it. I sometimes don't know where I get the strength, but it comes. I get out of bed every morning and think this is the month. I continue to go to the doctor and research everything I can on my own and push through this, because its temporary.

I do however have my moments, I cry and think WHY!!! But I also know that I am on this path for a reason. Not only have I grown as a person, it has brought John and I closer together and we will be better parents and better people because of this journey.

I can see my life so clearly. I see the holidays and birthday parties, and the family times. I see myself being pregnant, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and giving birth. Just thinking about all those moments brings tears to my eyes and take my breath away.

I know I am not the only one feeling what I feel and going though what I am going through, although it certainly feels like it.
Its others that can understand and stand in my shoes that help me the most and give me the most comfort, my only hope is that I make others feel the same.

Fall here we come!

Let me start by saying that I am sorry that I have been MIA for spring and summer. It was a busy time in John and my lives. We purchased another home, and moved in in May. We are thrilled to have more room! We now have lots of room to entertain, and an entire room dedicated to our promotional business!! YEAH! I don't have to work in the garage anymore! And we have a room just reserved just for Baby S. Its a beautiful room, lots of windows and light, and already painted waiting the arrival of our little bundle of joy.
But here's the hard part, we are yet to be pregnant!

We are still working on having a baby, however we have decided to entrust our dreams of parenthood to our wonderful fertility specialist, Dr. L. We were all set to start our first cycle of IUI (artificial insemination) using injectible medication. But I was told that I had a cyst on my ovary and had to sit out a month. So I find out if we are good to go here in two days.

Its been a rough month! I love fall, and I am defiantly happy that the weather is cooling off, but in other ways its bitter sweet. If I had not had a miscarriage last year we would be celebrating a our child's first birthday, I was due on October 1st. 2007. I don't know if I will ever forgot that, and I often wonder if I will ever not think about what could have been.

The other reason that its been rough is that we have many friends and family who's children have birthday's in September. So I have been bombarded with kids, babies and pregnant women all month long. I did better then I expected, looking and holding babies, reminds me of what we are fighting for, and it gives me the strength to keep going through all this, because I know there will be joy in the end.