Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Great, I have become "that" person!

By "that" I mean the person that everyone feels sorry for and is so afraid to say anything about babies or pregnancy. Okay, people lets get something straight yes it sucks that we have struggled with this journey of infertility and yes it feels like everyone in the world is pregnant but me, I think I have counted 25+ friends, and some of the are pregnant with baby #2, so it's defiantly not a happy situation for me. But, and here comes the but- this does not mean that I can crawl in a hole and come out when I am pregnant. I still have to survive and life day to day.

Not only are my friends "scared" to tell me when someone is pregnant but my family is now taking pity on me. I do not need pity, I need support and there is a difference. While I love my family for thinking of my feelings and not wanting to hurt me, the pity party is not fun either.

My step sister is 8 weeks pregnant with twins, conceived through Clomid- and I honestly could not be happier for her any my brother in law. They lost a baby boy last year at 18 weeks and they were devastated. I can not imagine going through that- they deserve nothing but happiness. But my mom tells me last weekend and then tells me not to tell my sister that I know, because she is going to tell me. Then my mom tells my sister that I know. So what was the point of that?

So tonight my sister calls and leave a message for my on my cell- and while it was very nice and genuine- I could hear the pity in her voice. Its the voice of the pregnant person talking to the infertile person. Now, my sister has been through her own battle with infertility- and has dealt with totally different circumstances, but its still the same in the end, things seem to change once infertiles get pregnant.

I hope that once I am pregnant that I do have pity on people that are dealing with infertility- I want to inspire people that you can beat this demon- you will be a family one day- you just don't know how it will happen, and you can never give up hope.

So I have officially become the person that everyone feels sorry for, I have very few friends left that I feel do not feel sorry for me, and are just supportive. It's so hard, because I wish I could share this journey with them, but it's also nice to just be with people and not talk about it, god knows it occupies enough my time.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

A weekend away from infertility

John and I took the weekend off- well more like 4 days off. We packed up and flew to Washington for our nephew's wedding. The wedding took place in a very small town about 2 hours from Seattle. As much as I LOVE the bright lights of Vegas I love being away from it all and being in a small town. Everyone seems to forget that I am really a small town girl that grew up shoveling horse manure at the barn.

It was so nice to have a weekend away for all the crap that is going on at home. I have not thought about our infertility once this weekend- well except for me writing this blog. While I am ready to get back and jump into our second IVF I actually found that I can have a life again. I forgot what it's like to not be thinking about infertility and it was amazing. I cannot wait until everyday is like this. I think it was so easy to forget about it because this weekend was not about us, it was about the bride and the groom and celebrating their commitment. I realized that not everything is about me and my problems.

Tonight we are going to a cookout on the river, it will be fun to hang out with everyone- I hope they have smores!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Congrats to the Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick!

The couple welcomed their twin daughters today, June 23rd via surrogate. The twins were born at 3:58 p.m. at a hospital in Ohio. The twins, Marion Loretta Elwell weighed 5 lbs., 11 oz, and Tabitha Hodge Broderick weighed 6 lbs. "Both Hodge and Elwell are family names on Parker's side," the statement explains.

This speaks volumes about the character of Sarah Jessica Parker- she has come out and been very open about her and her husbands desire to add to their family, and Sarah has discussed that turning to a surrogate was becasue she was unable to carry a child to term successfully. Sarah also discussed how brave and wonderful her surrogate was, that is the ultimate gift that you can give someone.

I LOVE Sarah Jessica and her family, and these are going to be beauitful girls, and oh so loved. They are sure going to have a great sence of style. Hopefully Sarah has saved some clothes from Sex and the City for her girls!

Congrats to the Broderick-Parker family, and welcome little twinkies to the world!

Monday, June 22, 2009

This is a random post- The Bachelorette!

I am a devot Bachelor/Bachelorette fan- I have been watching since the first episode with Tista and Amanda. I loved Jillian on The Bachelor with sleazy Jason Mesnick- so I was so excited to have her back as The Bachelorette, but from about episode 4 she has been a complete retard!

I feel in love with Jake, the pilot, on the first episode- and he had the first one on one date with Jillian and the sparks were flying. I totally said end the show now- and just marry Jake.

And tonight she kicks him off the show- was a retard! Seriously what is wrong with her. Jake said "nice guys finish last" and he is so right. Women want assholes and then they complain when they get treated like dirt.

I am married to a nice guy, and they are they best, they will be the ones to take care of you when you are sick and rock your kids to sleep. That is who you want to grow old with.

Now, lets talk about Wes, he is the slim on dog poop. He needs to go! He is only on the show for one reason, to gain populariaty for his music career. He does not care about Jillian- he only cares about himself.

But on the plus side it looks like Jake is back next week- he's a pilot he can go wherever he needs to go to prove his point. Hopefully she will not make the same mistake twice.

First appt with new doctor today.

I had my first appointment today with my new fertlility doctor and it was a totally different experience then with my old doctor. First off my old RE (reproductive endocrinlogist) was a woman and my new RE is a man, so we all know that men are not as gentle as women and that defiantley came through in the ultrasound. But other then that it was business as usual. I got my new protocol, which isn't all that different then my old protocol- just some minor changes. The one thing that I am most excited about is that my new RE is going to start my Lovenex before I am pregnant. Due to my clotting disorders this could be our ticket to success- becasue if my blood clots to much it will hinder implantation, I am thrilled with that fact.
It's one more shot- but hell who cares- I will give myself 10 shots a day if it means I will get pregnant.

So I start Lupron on July 1st! Wow, it's all going so fast, IVF #2 here we come!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

How to deal with the pain of infertility?

I don't think it ever goes away. Today I had to deal with 2 pregnancy announcements- and one of them them is twins, so to me that is 3 baby announcements. I get upset and cry, its just out of sadness for myself. I know it can be conceived as anger towards others. But really its just the sadness that I feel and the jealously that I have. It's the wish I were me mentality.

This is the single most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I really wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have just have to keep pushing on- because if we don't there is no chance of getting pregnant. Of all the obstacles I thought I would have to deal with in my life this was not the one I would have thought of.

Please God, bring this journey of ours to an end-bring us our baby, we are waiting with open arms.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I am offically a lunatic!

Yes people I have offically lost my mind. I just feel so detached to reality right now. My entire world right now is about IVF and getting pregnant. Please God promise I will have a life again one day!?

It's so hard for me to concentrate on other things in my life, because I still have to function and get things done for other people, when I really just want to look at them and say, "f*** you, can you call me back after I'm pregnant, because right now I really don't give a rats ass about you and your problems!" Yes, I know CRAZY! But I can't help it, I guess I just feel that my life is so much more important that others right now. To me, trying to get pregnant with IVF is so much bigger that whatever people could be complaining about.

Today I had to go get more blood drawn at Quest, no biggie, I really could care less about getting my blood drawn. So I am sitting in the chair and the nurse goes, "I'm really sorry I have to take 2 tubes of blood" I looked and her and said, "that's nothing, I'm used to 10 or 12 tubes" and she looked at me like I was crazy. I explained that with IVF and fertility treatments I am used to it. Then she asked, "what is IVF?" I almost fell out of my seat! Serioulsy people read a book- please try and educate yourself. She's a nurse for goodness sake!

So that was my day, I am glad it's over and almost time for the weekend!
Only 3 more weeks of peace then the shots start! I am nervous, in a way I feel like I should wait another month, but then I think why would I wait? Go for it. Please God let this be our miracle, we are so ready to be parents, please bring us our baby.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Our new doctor!

Well after our failed first IVF, I decided that I was going to go see another doctor at another fertility clinic here in Las Vegas. After meeting with Dr. Fisch at SHER Institute I convinced John to switch doctors. As much as I love our old doctor, I just feel that we need a change. I felt like out IVF was rushed and I was put on to much of a common protocol and there was not enough thought that went into our cycle.

I think its human nature when something goes wrong to change something. After talking to the new doctor- he ordered some tests that I have never had. He also feels that I had a egg quality issue- so he is going to work to improve the quality of my eggs this go around. He is very confident that I can get pregnant with my own eggs, which is a relief to me, my biggest fear is donor eggs, just because its so freaking expensive. He said that my protocol with my old doctor was not all that bad, but there would be things that he would change. That made me happy, because my old doctor was not going to to change my stim protocol at all.

While I was talking to the doctor I was going through my last IVF cycle, and I really started to get mad, there was a lot that was done that I feel our old doctor dropped the ball. Our new doctor didn't understand why she didn't let our embryos grow out to day 5, just to see what would happen. He felt transferring all 6 was irresponsible, and I have to agree. I would not have been upset if we did not make it to transfer- I feel we would have had more info on the embryos if we had let them grow another two days, especially because they looked so bad on day 3.
He also feels that John should have been called in to do another semen sample when his sperm was dying. I also felt like why did they leave the sperm so long- if it was dying after an hour- why was it left for an hour?!

So we are cycling again! SCARY!! Not until the end of July- I am currently back on birth control pills- and I will start stims after the 4th of July. I have my appt with the IVF coordinator tomorrow- so hopefully I will get my protocol- I am interested to see what he changes with my protocol.
To read more about our new doctor visit www.haveababy.com.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Starting to feel more human!

Well, its been a rough week and a half- we have been dealing with our failed IVF cycle the past few days, and I am finally starting to feel more normal. Its been a rough few days, I have cried, been angry and be down right irrational. I actually had a moment a few days ago where I actually screamed "I want my babies back!"
I feel like I have lost so much. Not only did I loose a baby almost two years ago to a miscarriage, but I had 6 embryos that didn't make it in my uterus.

I know that I cannot go through life thinking about my embryos that didn't make it, but wow it really hurts to think that I had fertilized eggs in me and they didn't turn into a baby.

John and I have done some talking and we are going to make some changes with our baby making. But that will have to be it's own entry.

Its amazing it take so much time to go through the IVF process and only one day to shatter your dreams when the pregnancy test comes back negative. I feel like I have let everyone down- everyone knew about our IVF and everyone was thinking it was a done deal that we would get pregnant. So god help me our next IVF NO ONE is going to know- I do not want to tell anyone. I do not need the pressure of others. I know that people are just trying to be supportive, but its hard, because they don't know what this feels like.

Fun game on a Sunday Night!

Our upcoming IVF cycle
Going to Washington in 2 weeks
Getting a pedicure
Going to visit my family in September!
Getting pregnant
Spending time with my husband
Watching the Bachelorette tomorrow night

Went to the movies
Took a shower
Slept in
Cleaned my house
Went shopping with my husband
Went out to dinner with my husband and a good friend
More Laundry

Get pregnant by having sex- and not needing doctors and an embryologist
Have John home with me and not have to work
See the future
Lose weight by eating ice cream and food that is bad for me
See New Moon right now- I hate waiting!
Win millions of dollars
Not have to work
Be in Cabo right now- on the beach!

Army Wives
Beverly Hills, 90210 (original)
The Bachelorette
Desperate Housewives
Real Housewives of whatever city they are on right now
Flipping out


Mexico- again- I wish I was in Cabo right now
The Hampton's
South of France

Cabfield, Ohio
Bowling Green, Ohio
Columbus, Ohio
Myrtle Beach, SC
Las Vegas, NV

I am not going to tag anyone - so copy and paste and play if you want to!! : )

Saturday, June 6, 2009

First comes Love, then marriage, and a baby carriage? Not in my world!

I remember that song- it made everything seem so easy. You fall in love, get married, throw out the birth control pills and 9 months later you bring home your little bundle of joy. But wait, no where in that song did it talk about IVF, daily shots, lots of doctors, and pain and sadness. Well, that is my world, welcome to the world of infertility.

This has been a long journey, about 2 years to be exact, and throughout those 24 months of pain, tears, and sadness John and I have stayed pretty close and never really let it get to us and our relationship. Lots of couples that deal with infertility end up divorced or in marriage counseling. I even know couples who have a baby and then divorce, that seems like such a waste to me. I guess I feel like if you can overcome infertility you can overcome anything in marriage. Now that is not to say that John and I have not had our share of arguments over this- but pretty much we share the same ideas- we will go to the ends of the earth to have a baby- now after #1 I don't think we are so sure. I will do whatever it takes to have one, after that its in God's hands- I don't know if I would ever do this again, it's a lot to handle.

I know this journey will end one day, and there will be a baby at the end, I consider that my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Nothing lasts forever- somehow someway we will overcome this.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It was a rough day!

Well, I certainly woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed, I immediately started crying- it took about 30 minutes for me to fully compose myself and drag myself to work. I really wanted to stay home and bury myself under the covers and never come out.
I managed to make it through the day until around 4PM until a co worker brought her twins in, they are a month old. I kept it together long enough to say hi and excuse myself to the restroom where the tears started. I composed myself and stayed holed up in my office the rest of the day, thank goodness for having my own office.
I am just so ready to have a baby and be a mom and do all the stuff that families do. I told my mom what happened and actually I did not cry once during my entire conversation with her, I could not believe it.
So here's to my mantra, "just keep swimming" because that's what we have to do, just keep swimming.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Well IVF #1 offically failed!

As I type those words I still cannot beleive it, I never thought it would turn out like this. Granted, there were other things that were found out during our IVF cycle that we never would have known without doing IVF, so in that way I am grateful.
Today was one of the worst days of my life, I made arragements to work only a half day- thank god I did that- I could not have stayed at work with the way I was feeling today. I felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I do not wish these feelings or this infertility journey on anyone.

Poor John, he is taking this so hard- I at least had a clue that things were not going to work out- I know what good embryos look like and what creates a baby and I knew on transfer day that our embryos were not looking good. Part of me feels like my babies died- I had 6 of our embryos in me and none of them made it, that makes me sad.

On a positive note I was able to speak with my doctor today and she said my eggs looked perfect so we will keep the protocol the same for our next cycle, which will be towards the end of July- I will start birth control pills arouund the 4th of July. We will be using half donor sperm and half of John's sperm this time, due to the severity of our sperm issues. I know this is tough for John, but he will always be the daddy, no matter where the sperm comes from. We are creating our baby together. My doctor said she really thinks this will be out ticket to parenthood- great eggs, and great sperm (we will be using a donor who has proven pregnancies).

I had the opportunity to start another IVF cycle right away, but I think for our sanity we need a break, I need to accept this and move on with things. My heart is really broken right now- yes it will heal, but I really think that my heart will ever be the same. Infertility is something that stays with you forever, even once you have kids.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tomorrow is the big day!

Beta day that is, or AKA the pregnancy test. I am eerily calm, I have not tested and do not plan on it. I feel fine, I have no real symptoms- I have had some cramping, but cramping is normal in early pregnancy and before you get your period. So here we go, I am prepared for both outcomes- and I think I have prepared John for both outcomes.
Cross your fingers for us! Please God, let this be our miracle!