Erie sense of calmness

The past few days I have had the strangest feeling of calmness, unlike I have had over the course of the past 2 years on this trying to conceive journey.
Maybe its because I have renewed hoped that one day we will beat this monster, called infertility, maybe its because I am happy with things the way they are right now, maybe it's because I want to figure myself out, as I have felt so lost the past 24 months. Maybe it's for no reason at all, maybe I am just coming to terms with life.

I have decided that I need to work on me, and my relationship with my husband. We need to have fun and relax, we need to have sex when we feel like it, not when the schedule says so. I need to work out and release some of my stress. I am the first person to defend infertility as being a physical problem, not a mental one. But for me, I really think I have some mental boundaries that are keeping me from achieving my goals.

I really have felt so lost the past two years, I feel like when I had a miscarriage that I lost a part of me, and I have been trying to get that back by getting pregnant, but that's not right. I need to be whole before I can bring a life into this world. The past two years have flown by and I really do not remember most of that, when I think back all I see is the infertility, the months of disappointment and the months of unhappiness. What I am forgetting is that great trips to Disneyland, the great dinners with family and friends, and awesome Mexican vacation where we went jet skiing, where nothing mattered when I was on that ocean, the wonderful holidays and birthdays. All that has taken a back seat to infertility, and I hate that.

Infertility will always be a part of who I am and when this journey comes to an end the wounds will fade away, and I will be a stronger person for having fought this battle. But I cannot let it control me anymore, I am turning over a new leaf, it may sound selfish, but 2009 is all about me! I have to take care of myself, because I am no good to anyone else if I don't. My husband deserves a whole wife, not a beaten down, hysterical, pissed off wife. He deserves someone who is positive and faces her challenges head on. I have been so focused on the future and the what if's that I lost sight of the here and now. I know we will get through this, one step at a time!

Moving on

Well, we just returned from an great trip to Cabo! Beauitful weather, and spa treatments, who could ask for more! We are still working on trying to have a baby, our 2nd cycle of Clomid failed, but we are moving forward with more treatment. We have to take the month of March off, so we will try on our own (no drugs!) and then decide what to do next when we see our doctor in April.



I am very optimistic, I know that John and I are meant to be parents, and its just a matter of waiting until its our time. I recently came across a quote that a girl I know told me,



"Your God is big, and He has a big plan for you.. and one day you'll see... that plan will call you mommy"



I love it! This sums up my life perfectly. There are reasons that John and I are not parents yet, and our time will come.

Update on my life

To all who would like an update on my life here it is. John and I are happily married and just had a great holiday season. We are looking forward to an awesome vacation in March, we are heading off to Cabo for some fun in the sun! We are still working on adding another member to the Sholtz family, and no we are not getting another dog. Daisy is enough to handle! I am talking about a baby!

After a devastating miscarriage last year we have moved forward and are working with a fertility specialist here in town, and I absolutely love our doctor! After many tests and many doctors appointments we were given the go ahead to begin treatment. We just began a cycle of Clomid, which is a drug that I take that stimulates my ovaries to work a little harder! I also am doing a HCG trigger shot, it was very scary I have never had to give myself a shot before. I survived it and it really wasn't that bad. I will do anything to have a baby.

Its so crazy I live my life in 2 week intervals, the 2 weeks waiting to ovulate and the 2 weeks waiting to see if I am pregnant, and then the waiting starts all over again! I just cant wait to see 2 lines on a pregnancy test.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! I cannot wait until I can share our happy news with all our family and friends.