I am a bad blogger!

I know I am a very bad blogger- when you have an active 7 month old time to be on the computer is just few and far between. Let's see there have been some new developments in our little monkey's case. Our caseworker filed the termination of parental rights paperwork with the DA's office. This is a HUGE step!! We are super excited!! We hope to be assigned to an adoption worked by the end of the year- which would make finalization in early 2011. Our little monkey has always been ours from day one, but it will be nice to make it official.

I know it's cliche, but she is such a joy in my life. Everything is about her, and everything is because of her. Nothing else matters if she's happy. Everything else is just not as important as her. I went to a networking event the other night and I took her with me- she was happily nomming her Sophie toy in her stroller not bothering a soul- yet I got some very evil looks when I come wheeling in with my baby in the stroller. I could have cared less- if they didn't accept her they didn't accept me. Luckily she turned on the charm and everyone was commenting on how cute she was before we left.

My life is so different, I don't sleep in, I don't go out to clubs and we almost never go to the movies, but instead I get to raise this beautiful little soul, and she is such a sweet little soul- that child does not have a mean bone in her body, she just pure love. I get up at 5am when she's hungry and I love it- I'm falling asleep by 9pm, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I thank God everyday for bringing her into our lives- she was well worth the wait!!

The View Talks Infertility With Bill and Guiliana Rancic

This past week The View did a special show all about infertility, and much to my surprise I thought it was great. The ladies started by talking about their own expediences, Sherri Shepard went through IVF to have her son, and Barbara Walters had 3 miscarriages before adopting her daughter, and of course Elisabeth stated that she couldn't get pregnant until she gave up Gluten, due to undiagnosed Celiac Disease- she now has three kids- I do not think she was infertile, EVER, but that is another discussion.

Then they brought out a fertility specialist, who gave the basic facts on when to seek help from a specialist, honestly that part was kind of boring, but then came out Bill and Guiliana Rancic, who I LOVE, and they talked about their inability to conceive, and that they are getting ready to start IVF next week. I really love their honesty about their journey. Guiliana got a lot of crap from Whoopi for not wanting to gain five pounds. Now I understand that five pounds is not a big deal, but for someone, like Guiliana, who works in the public eye and has to fit into sample size clothing, it's hard. But I do see their point, if you want kids- you do whatever it takes to have them!

Then came the statement that most people were very upset about, at least on the infertility boards that I frequent. Guiliana was talking about how celebs do not talk about doing IVF or using donor eggs, because of the stigma that goes a long with it, then Joy Behar says "because when you use donor eggs, they are not your kids" and Bill agreed with her. Now, people it does not take a rocket scientist to know that using donor eggs will equal the child not being biologically yours, so yes Joy and Bill are correct, but believe me that baby is yours. My daughter did not come from my DNA, but she is mine in every sense of the word. So I really do not understand what the big deal is about Bill saying what we all know is true!

They closed out the show with having several different couples talk about their journey to have children. The first two couples were still in the process, the one couple was this cute young couple that were dealing with male infertility, and had done several unsuccessful IVF's, they were really nice- my heart went out to them. The other lady was a divorced woman who was 47 who was still trying to have a baby, now I gotta say- lady you are pushing 50- adopt already, IVF just is not going to work- you are too old. I know that is harsh, but come on 47? That is just crazy!!! Adopt and have your family and move on with your life- she had been trying to have a baby for 7 years!!

The last couple was a couple who had an baby boy from IVF and he was just so stinking cute! Watching this show brought back a lot of feelings for me, I never want to be at that place in my life again. But I am so happy to see that infertility is getting the attention it deserves so people can make educated decisions about their fertility.

Sickness at our house!

We have had our first official baby sickness in our house. Poor little thing has been so congested for about 3 days. After much research I discovered baby nose drops called Little Noses- they come in a saline version and a decongestant version. Since our little one is so young there is not much I can give her. I have used the saline drops for the last 2 days and she does seem to be getting better- I am also using Vicks baby chest rub, to help break up and chest congestion that she may have.

We have also been putting her in the bathroom when we take hot showers, to use the steam to help with her congestion. I feel so bad for her, because there is nothing I can do for her. Last night I just had to laugh because I changed her diaper and found that she had severe diarrhea and had to change her sleeper, then not 5 minutes later she threw up all over the new sleeper and I had to change her again! I guess this is what parenthood is all about!

Gender Disappointment?!

This a message board that is titled Gender Disappointment, and it is filled with women who are upset with the sex of their child. It's either someone who wanted a boy and is pregnant with a girl or vice versa. Now, while I understand someone may be initially upset when finding out the sex of their child, there are some women that are downright pissed off. Who say their kicks are annoying and they are seriously considering having a late term abortion.

I cannot begin to tell you how sick this makes me! While John and I have always wanted to have a girl, I can tell you that if I became pregnant or we had the chance to adopt a baby boy we would jump at the chance- we would never in a million years turn away a baby just because of the sex.

I cannot believe that there are women out there who are so immature that they would actually be upset that they are carrying a baby boy or a baby girl, just because they wanted the other sex. Freaking be happy that you can get pregnant and have children you selfish bitches!

Dinner with new friends

We went to dinner last Friday with a new couple, a couple that we have met in our adoption class. They were so fun- and it felt so good to talk about our hopes, dreams, and our fears of this adoption process with people that understand what we are going through. I think the hardest thing about going through infertility was that no one understood- no one understood the pain and the hurt that we continued to feel month after month and cycle after cycle.

It felt wonderful to share my feelings with someone who truly understands what it feels like to stand in my shoes, because their shoes have walked the same journey and somehow someway our paths have crossed.

We have been through a lot with our friends lately, so I hope that we have found some new ones, that we can share fun times as couples, and fun times as families.

The Right to Choose?

After all these months of trying to conceive without success I have gotten very upset about the entire thing- so recently I started thinking about why am I so mad? If you asked me 5 years ago about having kids- I would have said that was the farthest thing from my mind. But there is something about getting married that changes all that. The first thing that changed for me was that I was with someone who I could actually see myself having kids with, and he wanted kids too, he will be such a good dad!
The second part is that we are taught by society that it's what we are supposed to do, get married and have kids.

If someone asks me why I want to have kids, I really don't have an answer- is it because that is what we are supposed to do or is it because I really want kids? But wait- we have gone through hell and high water to have a baby- am I serious that I don't know why I want to have a baby? No WAY!? So what all this has been for nothing?

Well no, that is not exactly true- when it comes down to it- I just really want to be fertile- I want to be able to choose to have a baby. When you are dealing with infertility that choice is taken away from you, and you have no control over it. Going through fertility treatments is a way to take back some of that control. Fertiles have the choice of when or even if to have a baby- I don't have that choice and that is what is so frustrating.

Now, just so you understand I want to be a mom more then anything- I have told myself that I will do whatever it takes to be a mom, actually there isn't anything I wouldn't do if I knew it would result in a baby. But it's interesting to look at the motivation- it's about choice.

Pregnant with 2 babies, but wait they aren't twins!

Imagine Todd and Julia Grovenburg’s surprise when doctors found not one, but two babies on Julia’s ultrasound – and then told the parents the babies weren’t twins,

Doctors think Julia and Todd conceived baby girl Jillian first, and two-and-a-half weeks later conceived baby boy Hudson, according to statements from KFSM-TV in Ft. Smith-Fayetteville, Ark.

Jillian and Hudson have different due dates, and this rare development is called superfetation – when a mother conceives another child while pregnant.

“It does really sound like this is a true case of different conception times for these children,” said Dr. Karen Boyle of the Greater Baltimore Medical Center. “When the woman had her ultrasound initially, they saw one sack, one baby developing, and that baby had a certain gestational age; then they noticed a second heartbeat in a child that was much, much younger developmentally.”

Dr. Boyle told ABC News she has only heard of 10 reported cases of superfetation.

However, superfetation cannot be absolutely determined until after the babies are born, and doctors are able to conduct chromosomal and metabolic tests on the babies.

Prayers for Sweet Annaleigh

One of my fellow nesties and her husband lost her baby girl today. Sweet Annaleigh was with us such a sort time, but touched more hearts than she will ever know. These women, my nesties, are my second family- we are there for each other in times of joy and sorrow. They are truly the strongest women I have ever known. Here is a tribute that we all put together as our tribute for Annaleigh.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.



When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.



He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."



The LORD replied:


"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Hello God are you there, it's me Shannon?

That is how I have been feeling lately. I feel like all these prayers I have been praying have gone unanswered. I feel like I have been talking to a wall, because nothing is going right. I don't get it, John and I have such a wonderful life, we have great friends and family, a beautiful home, good jobs, a good marriage, and yet we cannot have a baby. I have never considered myself a "holy roller" by any means, but I was raised Catholic and John and I are practicing Christians, and I have never had my faith tested in such a way.

I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, this is teaching you something, you will understand this journey one day. Well, for the life of me I don't get it. What type of God would put someone through this much pain and heartache? John and my hearts are completely broken- sometimes I wonder how either one of us manages to get out of bed each day. There are days where I really cannot do it anymore, I feel like I am faking it- my entire life right now is a lie. I have to hide my pain and suffering from everyone because no one understands what we are going through and I am so sick and tired of talking about it and explaining it to people.

I am feeling a bit more human today- I am going to try and get it together to go to a friends party tonight. Hopefully next week will be better. I am just dreading going back to work.

Beta not so good this morning.

My beta went down- which means that things are not meant to be this time. I took it really hard. I spent the majority of the day in bed crying, yelling and not understanding why this is happening to us. My heart is broken into a million pieces, and I have no more tears to cry. I am just numb.

Fertilization Report!

I can barely keep the tears from flowing as I write this, but wait, they are tears of JOY!! I was not expecting to hear from the doctor until this afternoon, but lone and behold he called at about 10AM this morning. When he called he said, Hey Shannon it's Dr. F I have your fert report then he said "are you sitting down" I though oh no, here it comes bad news. But no, he said first off all 10 eggs were mature- there was one that was a little slow- but it caught up so we were 10 for 10 for mature eggs, and then on top of that we had a 100% fertilization rate- all 10 eggs fertilized!
I think my heart stopped when he said that! He said they are going to do the marker test, which helps them pick the best embryos to transfer- and we are still pushing out for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday, other than that I didn't hear anything else, I just kept saying 'thank you so much' over and over and then hung up and burst into tears. I am so happy! I know we still have a long way to go, but this was great news and I need to just enjoy this for the time being.

I cannot beleive what a change from our last IVF- we had a 50% fert rate before, so to go from a 50% to a 100% is huge! I think it's a combination of better quality eggs, a better lab, and fertilizing the eggs sooner.

Wow, just wow that's all I have to say right now, I couldn't be happier.

My Dear eggs letter:

You have heard of a Dear John letter, well this is a twist on that- I call this my Dear Eggs letter.

Dear Little Eggies:

Thank you for growing the last week and coming out healthy and strong. Daddy and I love you so much already. We know that you are going to all fertilize and divide and grow to be rockstar embryos so we can put you back into my nice ware uterus for you to grow and thrive for 9 months. I know that you cannot wait to come home with us, but I need you to be strong and grow in the lab for the next 5 days, so snuggle into your petri dish for the time being, and in just a few days I will bring you home and never let you go.

Love you lots,
Mommy

First PIO shot tonight!

Tonight I did my first PIO (progesterone in oil) shot. These are considered the devil shots in the infertility world. Honestly it was not that bad, it was much better in my mind that it was in reality. It's definaltey a large needle and it's thick, because it's oil, but it's not that bad.

I have read such horror stories online about it and watched horror videos about it on You Tube that I was scared to death. My suggestion would be to others is DO NOT research it. As much of a message board junkie I am, I love thenest.com, stay away from reading the posts about the shots. Just suck it up and judge for yourself. The PIO and the Lovenex injections were not as bad as everyone made them out to be.

Good luck!

Egg Retrevial today!

Today was my egg retreival for IVF #2 it went very smooth and I have almost no pain afterwards. I came home and slept for several hours and feel pretty good right now (about 6 hours post retreival) they got 10 eggs, 9 of which were mature. It's a good number, our doctor was expecting 13- but obviously 3 follicles did not contain an egg. We are still waiting to see if that final egg was mature or not- so we may have 10 out of 10. I am happy with 9 mature eggs though- hopefully they will be better quality then last time. I am counting the hours down to our first fert report to hear how things look this time. We had a horrible fertilization rate last time so I will be interested to hear this time. I pray things are different. This IVF has gone so fast, I feel like I have not had any time to think about it, which I think is a good thing, I almost feel numb, like I am just going through the motions. Maybe that's my way of dealing with things so I don't get hurt anymore.

Tonight I start my PIO shots- I am scared- that needle is so big!!!

4 shots a day!

Today I added yet another yet to my drug use, my Luveris. This is a new drug for me, my last cycle I used Menopur. My new doctor feels that the Menopur is way wrong for me, and that it damaged my eggs, he feels the Luveris will be better for me, and it helps with getting better egg quality.

The shot itself was easy, its in the belly and the medicine doesn't hurt at all. I really feel that I could have a serious career as a druggie if I ever needed to. As bad as that sounds it's so true. My PIO came today, which is the progesterone in oil, and I am a bit scared of that. Its a big needle and the medicine is thick, it's an oil, and it goes in your butt so I am not looking forward to that, but I don't start that for awhile.

I have my first ultrasound to check my follicle growth on Monday, I am excited to see how I am progressing, in the past I have been a slow responder- so I am expecting my dosage to be increased, but we shall see.

Day 2 of Lovenex Injections

I could barely sleep on Sunday night because I was so terrified of my first Lovenex injection that I had to give myself on Monday morning. Well, much to my surprise it was super easy. Its a sub q injection- so it's given in the belly- where the fat is, and its a small needle. It doesn't burn, but it does sting a little when it's done, but nothing that I could not handle. I watched a video on youtube, which totally freaked me out- the girl in the video stated that to avoid bruising you should put the needle in very slowly, not pinch the skin and inject the medicine very slowly.

I have to disagree with the video- I say pinch the fat- hold the needle like a dart and go for it and inject. The syringes are prefilled and they have a very springy plunger- s it's very easy to inject quickly. I say screw the bruises- who cares if you get a bruise- it's your belly.

I was seriously so upset for no reason, they were a piece of cake. I will have no problem doing these shots for 9 months- hey if it gives us a healthy baby, I will do anything.

IVIg alternative- Intralipids

For those women who need IVIg therapy but cannot afford the heafty price tag that comes with it will be happy to know that SIRM doctors ar pioneering the field and have had great success with Intralipid treatment.

SIRM physicians have long advocated aggressive treatment of immunologic implantation dysfunction in women undergoing IVF. In cases where there has been Natural Killer Cell activation (Nka) (as evidenced by an abnormal K562 target cell test) we have championed the use of IVIG to down-regulate (deactivate) the Nka. In this manner, many women who otherwise might not have achieved success with IVF have gone from infertility to family.

Adviating the use of IVIG over the last decade, has come at a considerable price. Clearly, women requiring IVIG have been concerned about the cost (more than $4000 per dosage), reported side effects and, given the HIV/hepatitis scare, have been reluctant to receive a blood product. To make matters worse, under-informed critics have for unexplained reasons played on such unfounded fear often raising it to the level of alarm. The fact is that over the years we have administered IVIG to thousands of women, without a single report of viral transmission and few significant (but always transient) side effects.

About a year ago reports began to surface regarding a low cost (about ten times less than IVIG) synthetic product called Intralipid, which upon being infused more than a week prior to embryo transfer would lower Nka and further more, was virtually free of side effects.

About a year ago, we began evaluating the effect of Intralipid in patients who had activated Natural Killer cells, and for whom IVIG therapy would otherwise be indicated.
Thus far we have treated more than 30 women with Nka using Intralipid 20%. More than 60% of the patients achieved viable ongoing pregnancies, showing Intralipid therapy to be at least as effective (and perhaps even more so) than IVIG. There were no significant side effects and patient tolerance of this treatment was high.

Against this background, SIRM physicians have collectively decided to virtually abandon further use of IVIG, in favor of Intralipid.

Below are some clinical details about Intralipid:

Intralipid (IL), is a synthetic product composed of 10% soybean oil, 1,2% egg yolk phospholipids, 2.25% glycerin and water. Based on research performed at SIRM and elsewhere, infusion of IL lowers Natural Killer cell activation (Nka) as effectively as does, intravenous gammaglobulin (IVIG.) When indicated IL (as with IVIG) is infused 7-10 days prior to ET and one more time again after a positive pregnancy in women whose Nka is due to an autoimmune causes (antiphospholipid antibodies and/or antithyroid antibodies). In cases of alloimmune implantation dysfunction (DQa and/ HLA matching between the embryo recipient and the male partner) the same applies but in this situation the infusion is repeated at 2-4 week intervals until the 24th week of pregnancy.
SIRM physicians have supplanted IVIG with IL therapy in a significant number of women undergoing IVF , and who had immunologic embryo implantation dysfunction. The results thus far have been excellent, way beyond our initial expectations.
At last we now have a safe and inexpensive alternative to IVIG therapy...Intralipid! What is more, IL costs about 10 times less than IVIG, is not a blood product and is without significant side effects.

So there is now hope for women who need IVIg treatment, but cannot afford it. To get more informaiton about Intralipids and the nearest SIRM center visit, www.haveababy.com.

What is IVIg Therapy?

Having to go through one miscarriage can be terribly upsetting; experiencing multiple miscarriages can be devastating. However, depending on the reason for your recurrent pregnancy loss, treatment may be available to help you maintain a pregnancy. Intravenous immunoglobulin G (IVIg) is an intravenous drug given to women prior to conception through to the sixth month of pregnancy. Although it won’t help all women, those who have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss due to autoimmune factors may find that IVIg is just what they need to maintain their pregnancy.


Using donor blood that has been washed and processed, IVIg is made up of human-derived antibodies. These antibodies help to keep your immune system from recognizing an embryo or fetus as foreign and attacking it. More specifically, IVIg aids in minimizing the actions of natural killer (NK) cells. Amplified levels of NK cells can prevent an embryo from implanting as well as interfere with the proper development of the placenta, which in turn prevents the embryo from developing normally. All of these factors can result in a miscarriage.

Precisely how IVIg works is not entirely clear. It is thought that the drug may block those antibodies that cause your body to reject a pregnancy. However, it is also speculated that IVIg may work by soaking up and defusing the harmful antibodies that can interfere with a pregnancy.

In general, women who have elevated levels of natural killer cells resulting in recurrent miscarriages are thought to benefit the most from IVIg treatment. Yet, recent research has also shown a connection between increased natural killer cell activity and antiphospholipid antibodies (APA): it appears that those with APA are more likely to have elevated NK cells.

Typically, women whose miscarriage problems were linked with APA were treated exclusively with heparin and aspirin. Because of the relationship between APA and NK cells, however, more fertility specialists are testing women affected by APA for NK cells as well. If there are elevated levels of NK cells, then these women will likely be treated with IVIg instead of the common treatments for APA.

In general, IVIg therapy should be started from the first month of pregnancy and continue until the 28th week of pregnancy. However, there is some evidence to suggest that administering IVIg infusions even before pregnancy occurs may be beneficial in preventing miscarriage. IVIg therapy is often done monthly and doses can be given anywhere from one to three consecutive days.

Because IVIg is administered intravenously, to receive this treatment, an IV catheter will be inserted into a vein in your hand or lower arm. This will allow the IVIg solution to slowly drip into the vein and enter your system. Although IVIg can be administered in your home under the supervision of a nurse, the very first time you receive treatment you will need to visit your fertility specialist. The first infusion is always done in a clinical setting under proper supervision in case you experience a severe reaction to the drug.

In order to guard against unpleasant side effects, IVIg infusion must be done slowly. This means that one session can take several hours to complete. However, if you seem to be dealing with the treatment well with minimal side effects, it may be possible to complete treatment sessions sooner. Just how much IVIg a person should receive can vary as dosage is calculated according to your weight.

IVIg can greatly improve your chances of having a successful pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage. Some studies have shown a success rate as high at 80% with the use of IVIg therapy. However just like fertility treatments this therapy comes with a hefty price tag.
Depending on how much IVIg is required for your treatment, each dose could cost as much as $1500. This means that receiving IVIg therapy during your pregnancy could cost in excess of $10,000. Unfortunately, many insurance companies do not cover IVIg therapy (although it doesn’t hurt to contact your insurance provider to double check). As a result, not every couple will be able to afford this treatment.


There are some alternatives to this therapy that are more affordable for women, I will discuss these alternatives in our next blog entry so stay tuned for some valuable information.

I had an apifiny today!

I was talking to my friend and co worker- today is her grandson's 5th birthday and she was saying how the sun rises and sets in his eyes, and she is so serious! She is so in love with her first grandson Tyler its adorable. Now, Tyler has a brother Gavin and he is almost 3 years old. I asked her if she loved Tyler more- and she said yes and no. She said he will always be her first grandchild and that holds a special place in her heart. Now let me say that she reminds me so much of my mother- it's almost scary. And that's when it hit me! I now realize why my step sister having a baby before me bothers me.
First off my mom and I are super duper close, like almost too close! Now I am an only child, but I have 2 step sisters. One of my step sister's is not married and she is not close with my mom at all. My other step sister lives in NC (which is about 3 hours from my mom) and she is pregnant with twins. Now she is close with my mom, not as close I am, but still somewhat close. And it bothers me that my mom will have her children first and grandchildren and they will be so close to her.
Now my step sister is very close with her mother, who lives in Florida, so I know that those babies will be much closer to my step sisters mother then to my mother. But in a way I am mad that my sister is making my mom a grandmother before me, its the ITS MY MOMMY and I want to make her a grandma first.

I know that my step sister is not blood related to my mother, and I am her baby, per say- but still it's hard. I think also the fact that my step sister is close to my mother and I am 3000 miles away is hard. I hope that I can make my mom a grandma soon, becasue she will be such a great grandma. I think part of why I want to be a mom so bad is because I have such a great one, and all the love that I have to give needs to go somewhere.

So this was my realization today, it all makes sence now. I explained this to my friend who said she agreed with me, but not to worry to much, she said once the babies come, both my sisters and mine we will just all seem like one big happy family. I know my mom has enough love to go around, she has a big heart!