Here we go again!

Well after recovering from my lap, which was so easy! Here we are again, cycle day 1- and we are starting IUI #3- I have my day 3 appt. on Wednesday to get my first ultrasound to make sure everything looks good, get my blood drawn and start my medicine. I am excited, as much as I hate being on this rollar coaster I am ready to get going and get pregnant already! We have been on a 2 and a half month break mostly because we didn't want to be going through an IUI cycle during the holidays as well as I wanted to have the lap surgery and we had to take the month off to have the surgery.
So here we go again!

Erie sense of calmness

The past few days I have had the strangest feeling of calmness, unlike I have had over the course of the past 2 years on this trying to conceive journey.
Maybe its because I have renewed hoped that one day we will beat this monster, called infertility, maybe its because I am happy with things the way they are right now, maybe it's because I want to figure myself out, as I have felt so lost the past 24 months. Maybe it's for no reason at all, maybe I am just coming to terms with life.

I have decided that I need to work on me, and my relationship with my husband. We need to have fun and relax, we need to have sex when we feel like it, not when the schedule says so. I need to work out and release some of my stress. I am the first person to defend infertility as being a physical problem, not a mental one. But for me, I really think I have some mental boundaries that are keeping me from achieving my goals.

I really have felt so lost the past two years, I feel like when I had a miscarriage that I lost a part of me, and I have been trying to get that back by getting pregnant, but that's not right. I need to be whole before I can bring a life into this world. The past two years have flown by and I really do not remember most of that, when I think back all I see is the infertility, the months of disappointment and the months of unhappiness. What I am forgetting is that great trips to Disneyland, the great dinners with family and friends, and awesome Mexican vacation where we went jet skiing, where nothing mattered when I was on that ocean, the wonderful holidays and birthdays. All that has taken a back seat to infertility, and I hate that.

Infertility will always be a part of who I am and when this journey comes to an end the wounds will fade away, and I will be a stronger person for having fought this battle. But I cannot let it control me anymore, I am turning over a new leaf, it may sound selfish, but 2009 is all about me! I have to take care of myself, because I am no good to anyone else if I don't. My husband deserves a whole wife, not a beaten down, hysterical, pissed off wife. He deserves someone who is positive and faces her challenges head on. I have been so focused on the future and the what if's that I lost sight of the here and now. I know we will get through this, one step at a time!

Taking a Break From All Your Worries...

Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Or so the lyrics go in the Cheers theme song. We are going to to take a break from IUI's for a month or so and give Shannon's body a chance to rest.

Although, I don't think Shannon has thought the IUI procedures were that bad I have had my moments. The bad cramps she's had after the procedures and the this last cycle I thought she was going to bleed to death, but with being the trooper she is doing great...aside from the disappointment.

I am glad she is getting a chance to rest for a moment. I know she wants to have a good time for the holidays. We have friends who have had troubles getting pregnant and a night of relaxation and cocktails led to them getting their bundle of joy 9 months later.

I have a new concern, which is her scheduled laparoscopic surgery. Laparoscopic surgery, also known as minimally invasive surgery, is a modern surgical technique in which operations in the abdomen are preformed through small incisions. We are doing this to see if there is something else going on that we can't tell otherwise without going inside at taking a peak. I guess my concern is, although it doesn't seem that bad, it still is surgery. They have to use anesthetic and Shannon won't be able to lift anything for about a month. At least we will be able to see if there is something else going on that we don't know about and possibly fix it.

The good part is that we can hopefully just get things off are minds for a while. People say if yo just relax it will happen. So we will put that to the test. But I think some how it will still be on our minds. We will be with family and friends for the holidays and sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

Tis the season!

Well, last night we put up our Christmas tree and I got a good start on putting up the holiday decorations around the house. I love this time year, I have always been a XMAS nut! The more decorations the better. This year its kinda bitter sweet, we just celebrated Thanksgiving with John's family, who all have kids, we have kids ranging from 9 years old to 6 months old in our family. Its very true that kids make the holidays better. I hope and pray that this is our last holiday's with just us, I would have to have a newborn next year at this time, I would even take just being pregnant around the holidays next year. I just do not know how much more my heart can take.
I am trying to not let it comsume me, but its hard, I feel like getting pregnant would take a huge weight off my shoulders, I really forget what its like to not be worried about this.

Update on my life

To all who would like an update on my life here it is. John and I are happily married and just had a great holiday season. We are looking forward to an awesome vacation in March, we are heading off to Cabo for some fun in the sun! We are still working on adding another member to the Sholtz family, and no we are not getting another dog. Daisy is enough to handle! I am talking about a baby!

After a devastating miscarriage last year we have moved forward and are working with a fertility specialist here in town, and I absolutely love our doctor! After many tests and many doctors appointments we were given the go ahead to begin treatment. We just began a cycle of Clomid, which is a drug that I take that stimulates my ovaries to work a little harder! I also am doing a HCG trigger shot, it was very scary I have never had to give myself a shot before. I survived it and it really wasn't that bad. I will do anything to have a baby.

Its so crazy I live my life in 2 week intervals, the 2 weeks waiting to ovulate and the 2 weeks waiting to see if I am pregnant, and then the waiting starts all over again! I just cant wait to see 2 lines on a pregnancy test.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! I cannot wait until I can share our happy news with all our family and friends.