A broken heart

Well, no break cycle Christmas miracle for us, tonight my wonderful monthly friend came to visit! Oh, how I wish she would take a hike for nine months.

John and I had our typical responses, we cried then yelled, it seems to be our monthly regime. This sucks! That is all I can really say at this point. Yes, I still cry, but really I am mad. I don't understand why this is happening to us. The amount of anger I have inside of me cannot be healthy for any human to be carrying around.

The other day I was thinking about why this bothers me so much, and I am going to try to explain this without sounding like too much of a snob, and if it comes across snobbish I apologize up front. But growing up, I got whatever I wanted, I had a great life, great friends, a loving family, and a comfortable upbringing.
My friends were always jealous of me, not the other way around. Not that my friends didn't have a good life, they did. I grew up in an upper middle class small town, we all had good lives. But out of my friends I was the only one who had a pool at my house, got a brand new car when I turned 16 and another new one when I turned 18, I had a horse, and the membership to the country club where we would hang out all summer long. I had a great life, and things were easy for me. So when you have everything that you need what do you have to be jealous of? I had nothing to be jealous of.

Now that I am an adult things have changed. Now do not get me wrong John and I have a good life, we have a beautiful home, good jobs, great family and friends, but we do not have a baby, we are losing the baby race.

We are the only people out of our close friends who doesn't have a baby (out of those who want kids) and it stinks! We have to sit through holidays and birthday parties with everyone elses kids, with none of our own. It absolutely sucks! So now I have something to be jealous of, now I know you never want someone else's life, because you don't know truly what their life is like, however its hard to think about that then you see them with their children.

I have grown a lot in realizing that things do not make you happy, all the stuff that I had growing up doesn't make you happy, its just stuff. So I do not want anymore stuff, what I want is the love of a child, our child.