Happy Anniversary! Wedding that is!

Today is mine and John's anniversary, four years ago we were getting married. It's amazing to think that four years have gone by in the blink of an eye. This is the first year that I feel good about celebrating a year of marriage. First off infertility takes a toll on a marriage, so to have made it through four years of that is something to celebrate! Marriage is hard enough, add infertility on top of that and you have a lot to deal with, but John and I have managed to get through it, with some fights, tears, and hugs along the way. Now that we have our beautiful little girl we can look back and say it was all worth it, and I don't think either one of us would change the path of the last four years. It has brought us to where were are now and we are both better people for having traveled that road together.

I was thinking today about where I was on this day four years ago, it's about 4pm so I was getting ready to start our pictures with our photographer. I was laughing with my mom, oh how I miss her and can't wait to see her soon, and thinking I never thought this day would get here, but it did, and all the days since then have flown by. I have to remember to take in each day and remember that I will never get to do it again, my baby will not be a baby forever, so I have to cherish every moment with her and our moments as a family.

My opnion of The Daily Beast Article

After reading the article that was posted on The Daily Beast I was so mad I think there was smoke coming out of my ears. First off to call wanting to have a child an "obsession" is completely wrong! There is nothing obsessive about wanting to have a family, that is a basic human desire for some. I can think of nothing better to spend your time or money on, its a baby for goodness sake- not a pair of shoes.

To put others down for their decisions when they do not effect the lives of others is so wrong. My decision to pursue IVF does not in any way impact any one else, only me and my husband are affected. There were several people in this article that had medical issues that were causing issues and just because they used assisted reproductive technology (ART) in order to have a child that is wrong. I didn't know that having Hepatitis or HIV banded you from having children. If someone has a disease and they use ART in order to not pass a horrible disease onto their child that is smart, not wrong.

I do not wish infertility on anyone, but in this case- the author needs to walk a mile in our shoes and see how it feels to be disappointed month after month because you cannot get pregnant, then maybe she will have a different opinion about using whatever method necessary to have a baby. I am happy that we have the technologies available to us. This is an instance in which if you do not have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all!

It was a rough day!

Well, I certainly woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed, I immediately started crying- it took about 30 minutes for me to fully compose myself and drag myself to work. I really wanted to stay home and bury myself under the covers and never come out.
I managed to make it through the day until around 4PM until a co worker brought her twins in, they are a month old. I kept it together long enough to say hi and excuse myself to the restroom where the tears started. I composed myself and stayed holed up in my office the rest of the day, thank goodness for having my own office.
I am just so ready to have a baby and be a mom and do all the stuff that families do. I told my mom what happened and actually I did not cry once during my entire conversation with her, I could not believe it.
So here's to my mantra, "just keep swimming" because that's what we have to do, just keep swimming.

A broken heart

Well, no break cycle Christmas miracle for us, tonight my wonderful monthly friend came to visit! Oh, how I wish she would take a hike for nine months.

John and I had our typical responses, we cried then yelled, it seems to be our monthly regime. This sucks! That is all I can really say at this point. Yes, I still cry, but really I am mad. I don't understand why this is happening to us. The amount of anger I have inside of me cannot be healthy for any human to be carrying around.

The other day I was thinking about why this bothers me so much, and I am going to try to explain this without sounding like too much of a snob, and if it comes across snobbish I apologize up front. But growing up, I got whatever I wanted, I had a great life, great friends, a loving family, and a comfortable upbringing.
My friends were always jealous of me, not the other way around. Not that my friends didn't have a good life, they did. I grew up in an upper middle class small town, we all had good lives. But out of my friends I was the only one who had a pool at my house, got a brand new car when I turned 16 and another new one when I turned 18, I had a horse, and the membership to the country club where we would hang out all summer long. I had a great life, and things were easy for me. So when you have everything that you need what do you have to be jealous of? I had nothing to be jealous of.

Now that I am an adult things have changed. Now do not get me wrong John and I have a good life, we have a beautiful home, good jobs, great family and friends, but we do not have a baby, we are losing the baby race.

We are the only people out of our close friends who doesn't have a baby (out of those who want kids) and it stinks! We have to sit through holidays and birthday parties with everyone elses kids, with none of our own. It absolutely sucks! So now I have something to be jealous of, now I know you never want someone else's life, because you don't know truly what their life is like, however its hard to think about that then you see them with their children.

I have grown a lot in realizing that things do not make you happy, all the stuff that I had growing up doesn't make you happy, its just stuff. So I do not want anymore stuff, what I want is the love of a child, our child.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 13, 2008

"Families is where are nation finds hope, where wings take dreams."- actual quote from George W Bush

I thought I would post a humorous quote today. We watched the movie Step Brothers last night starring Will Ferrell and John C Reilly and the movie opens with this quote. The quote contained the word "hope" and caught my eye. I got a laugh out of it and I just had to post it.

Poem

This is a wonderful poem that one of my great nesties posted:


I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to displayThe mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I getIs, “Not today”
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I questionmy strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

One in Six

Did you know that?
That one out of every six couples is struggling with infertility.

That's a lot of people! Everyone thinks that having kids is so easy, and whenever you want it to happen it will happen.
I'm here to tell you that you have to be proactive in what you want in life. We didn't choose this road, but we are and will continue to be stronger people because of it. I sometimes don't know where I get the strength, but it comes. I get out of bed every morning and think this is the month. I continue to go to the doctor and research everything I can on my own and push through this, because its temporary.

I do however have my moments, I cry and think WHY!!! But I also know that I am on this path for a reason. Not only have I grown as a person, it has brought John and I closer together and we will be better parents and better people because of this journey.

I can see my life so clearly. I see the holidays and birthday parties, and the family times. I see myself being pregnant, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and giving birth. Just thinking about all those moments brings tears to my eyes and take my breath away.

I know I am not the only one feeling what I feel and going though what I am going through, although it certainly feels like it.
Its others that can understand and stand in my shoes that help me the most and give me the most comfort, my only hope is that I make others feel the same.