Well IVF #1 offically failed!

As I type those words I still cannot beleive it, I never thought it would turn out like this. Granted, there were other things that were found out during our IVF cycle that we never would have known without doing IVF, so in that way I am grateful.
Today was one of the worst days of my life, I made arragements to work only a half day- thank god I did that- I could not have stayed at work with the way I was feeling today. I felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I do not wish these feelings or this infertility journey on anyone.

Poor John, he is taking this so hard- I at least had a clue that things were not going to work out- I know what good embryos look like and what creates a baby and I knew on transfer day that our embryos were not looking good. Part of me feels like my babies died- I had 6 of our embryos in me and none of them made it, that makes me sad.

On a positive note I was able to speak with my doctor today and she said my eggs looked perfect so we will keep the protocol the same for our next cycle, which will be towards the end of July- I will start birth control pills arouund the 4th of July. We will be using half donor sperm and half of John's sperm this time, due to the severity of our sperm issues. I know this is tough for John, but he will always be the daddy, no matter where the sperm comes from. We are creating our baby together. My doctor said she really thinks this will be out ticket to parenthood- great eggs, and great sperm (we will be using a donor who has proven pregnancies).

I had the opportunity to start another IVF cycle right away, but I think for our sanity we need a break, I need to accept this and move on with things. My heart is really broken right now- yes it will heal, but I really think that my heart will ever be the same. Infertility is something that stays with you forever, even once you have kids.

Well maybe the 300th post will be lucky!

Today marks my 300th post- I cannot believe it- I have actually written that much about this journey that is my life. Well lets recap that last 2 days. Yesterday I called my IVF nurse because I was feeling really horrible and thought that I have having symptoms of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) which is where your follicles fill up with fluid. It can be very serious if left untreated. My nurse said to rest, and drink lots of fluids and come in on Sunday to see the doctor.

So I went the my RE's office this morning, thinking that I am there to see her regarding my possible OHSS- so John stayed at home. I was feeling much better this morning so I figured everything would be fine. My RE comes out into the waiting room and tells me that my transfer is today and she will talk to me in a minute, but that I should call John and Dr. Roth (my acupuncturist) and to prepare for the transfer.

I call John and tell him to get his butt down to the doctors office, then I call Dr. Roth, who bless her heart drops everything and rushes down to the office to see me.
I then burst into tears, because I know nothing at this point, but I can deduce that the embryos are not doing well, otherwise they would push for a 5 day transfer, not a 3 day transfer. I am pretty much hysterical by the time the embryologist comes to talk to me.

She tells me that due to the issue with the sperm the embryos are not growing properly and we are going to transfer all 6- one was a decent looking 6 cell embryo ( they should be 8 cells by day 3, but it had not been exactly 3 days yet- so that one could still catch up) and then the other 5 were not looking good. My RE suggested that if this doesn't work we should look into donor sperm because there is obviously more of an issue with the sperm then we thought.

I am in shock right now, I never thought in a million years that this would happen. My eggs looked perfect, all 14 were mature- so we don't think its an egg issue.
So pretty much at this time we need a miracle- I know that lots of perfect cycles don't end in pregnancy and lots of bad cycles end in pregnancy-but still.

It's in Gods hands now- please God bring us a miracle!

I am on bed rest for 3 days- and already going crazy! How am I going to make it 2 more days!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 12, 2008

"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles."- Samuel Smiles

Inspirational Quote of Hope October 31, 2008

"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes so strongly has within him the gift of miracles." -Samuel Smiles