Hello God are you there, it's me Shannon?

That is how I have been feeling lately. I feel like all these prayers I have been praying have gone unanswered. I feel like I have been talking to a wall, because nothing is going right. I don't get it, John and I have such a wonderful life, we have great friends and family, a beautiful home, good jobs, a good marriage, and yet we cannot have a baby. I have never considered myself a "holy roller" by any means, but I was raised Catholic and John and I are practicing Christians, and I have never had my faith tested in such a way.

I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, this is teaching you something, you will understand this journey one day. Well, for the life of me I don't get it. What type of God would put someone through this much pain and heartache? John and my hearts are completely broken- sometimes I wonder how either one of us manages to get out of bed each day. There are days where I really cannot do it anymore, I feel like I am faking it- my entire life right now is a lie. I have to hide my pain and suffering from everyone because no one understands what we are going through and I am so sick and tired of talking about it and explaining it to people.

I am feeling a bit more human today- I am going to try and get it together to go to a friends party tonight. Hopefully next week will be better. I am just dreading going back to work.

Well IVF #1 offically failed!

As I type those words I still cannot beleive it, I never thought it would turn out like this. Granted, there were other things that were found out during our IVF cycle that we never would have known without doing IVF, so in that way I am grateful.
Today was one of the worst days of my life, I made arragements to work only a half day- thank god I did that- I could not have stayed at work with the way I was feeling today. I felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I do not wish these feelings or this infertility journey on anyone.

Poor John, he is taking this so hard- I at least had a clue that things were not going to work out- I know what good embryos look like and what creates a baby and I knew on transfer day that our embryos were not looking good. Part of me feels like my babies died- I had 6 of our embryos in me and none of them made it, that makes me sad.

On a positive note I was able to speak with my doctor today and she said my eggs looked perfect so we will keep the protocol the same for our next cycle, which will be towards the end of July- I will start birth control pills arouund the 4th of July. We will be using half donor sperm and half of John's sperm this time, due to the severity of our sperm issues. I know this is tough for John, but he will always be the daddy, no matter where the sperm comes from. We are creating our baby together. My doctor said she really thinks this will be out ticket to parenthood- great eggs, and great sperm (we will be using a donor who has proven pregnancies).

I had the opportunity to start another IVF cycle right away, but I think for our sanity we need a break, I need to accept this and move on with things. My heart is really broken right now- yes it will heal, but I really think that my heart will ever be the same. Infertility is something that stays with you forever, even once you have kids.

Hello 2009! Happy New Year Everyone!

Shannon began taking down the Christmas decorations this morning. I always feel sad when that process begins. I love Christmas and we had a great one last year as we do every year.

I was going to post all of our blessings for last year, but Shannon beat me to it. Our focus on having a baby I think let us forget what a wonderful year it really was and I know in my heart 2009 is going to be even better.

I am looking forward to what 2009 has to bring to us and I wish everyone a Happy New Year!