Follow up about Jewelyn

With the recent death of our dear "nestie" I have done some research on her cause of death. It's amazing how in the year 2009 women can still die in childbirth, isn't that something that happened back in the medieval times, not now, at least that's what I thought. Jewelyn died from a Amniotic Fluid Embolism and Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (AFES) which is a catastrophic condition that occurs during pregnancy or shortly after delivery. Suspected risk factors have included tumultuous labor, trauma, multiparity, increased gestational age, and increased maternal age. However, many patients who develop amniotic fluid embolism have no obvious risk factors and unfortunately there is not a lot that can be done.

The paypal account that was listed in the post below is still accepting donations, but if you have any diaper or formula coupons to send please forward those to:

The Jewelyn Okamoto Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 235971
Encinitas, CA 92023-5971

Anything that is not used will be donated to the Liz Logelin foundation, which is a great foundation that was created by Matt Logelin after the death of his wife last March. I will discuss this foundation more in my next post.

Please if you can send some thoughts and prayers to the Okamoto family to help them get through this difficult time.

Tears for someone I never knew

Today I found out that a fellow "nestie" as I so affectionately call them passed away during childbirth. Her name was Jewelyn and she and her husband Phillip were so excited on the birth of their first child, a girl. Jewelyn went into labor on Saturday and ended up needing an emergency c-section. She then suffered from an Amniotic Fluid Embolism and Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation. She passed away on Sunday at 11:30 am PST.

Jewelyn was a fellow nestie from California and was a frequent poster on many boards that I am part off. The Nest is a group of women who have always been there for me, we have planned our weddings together on The Knot and then all moved over to The Nest and discussed everything from husbands, family, jobs, and having children. The women on that board are some of the most wonderful caring people I have ever known.

Of course my nesties have amazed me once again and have already set up a fund for Jewelyn's husband Philip and baby Gabrielle. A PayPal account under the email address 4jewelyn@gmail.com has been set up. You can make a donation there. All proceeds will be donated to Philip Okamoto. I am sure any amount donated will be extremely helpful even if it's only a dollar. I have been informed that this money can be taxed so the girls are looking into setting up an official fund. I will update the blog with this information when I receive it.

This makes you stop and think how precious life is, hug your loved ones a little tighter tonight as we never know when our last day may be. My thoughts and prayers go out to Jewelyn's husband, and family, and especially her little girl. May God give you strength to get through this and bring you peace.

How to deal with the pain of infertility?

I don't think it ever goes away. Today I had to deal with 2 pregnancy announcements- and one of them them is twins, so to me that is 3 baby announcements. I get upset and cry, its just out of sadness for myself. I know it can be conceived as anger towards others. But really its just the sadness that I feel and the jealously that I have. It's the wish I were me mentality.

This is the single most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I really wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have just have to keep pushing on- because if we don't there is no chance of getting pregnant. Of all the obstacles I thought I would have to deal with in my life this was not the one I would have thought of.

Please God, bring this journey of ours to an end-bring us our baby, we are waiting with open arms.

Well IVF #1 offically failed!

As I type those words I still cannot beleive it, I never thought it would turn out like this. Granted, there were other things that were found out during our IVF cycle that we never would have known without doing IVF, so in that way I am grateful.
Today was one of the worst days of my life, I made arragements to work only a half day- thank god I did that- I could not have stayed at work with the way I was feeling today. I felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I do not wish these feelings or this infertility journey on anyone.

Poor John, he is taking this so hard- I at least had a clue that things were not going to work out- I know what good embryos look like and what creates a baby and I knew on transfer day that our embryos were not looking good. Part of me feels like my babies died- I had 6 of our embryos in me and none of them made it, that makes me sad.

On a positive note I was able to speak with my doctor today and she said my eggs looked perfect so we will keep the protocol the same for our next cycle, which will be towards the end of July- I will start birth control pills arouund the 4th of July. We will be using half donor sperm and half of John's sperm this time, due to the severity of our sperm issues. I know this is tough for John, but he will always be the daddy, no matter where the sperm comes from. We are creating our baby together. My doctor said she really thinks this will be out ticket to parenthood- great eggs, and great sperm (we will be using a donor who has proven pregnancies).

I had the opportunity to start another IVF cycle right away, but I think for our sanity we need a break, I need to accept this and move on with things. My heart is really broken right now- yes it will heal, but I really think that my heart will ever be the same. Infertility is something that stays with you forever, even once you have kids.

Will this ever end?

I don't think I have ever wanted something to end so bad in my life. I hate this struggle, I just want to have a baby, just one. People have them everyday and they are conceived everyday. Why do I have to enlist the help of 2 doctors and lots of drugs and procedures just to do what comes naturally to others?
I hate that I do not know when this journey will end, its all the uncertainty that drives me crazy. I hate that I could potentially have IVF insurance coverage in a few months, but then on the flip side, John could get laid off and then we don't have it. Its like can't they please just wait until May to lay him off? It could be 6 days, or 6 months with these lay offs. No one knows, so everyday we just wait, every day is one day closer to getting the insurance that we need.

I have been doing so much research on companies that cover IVF, my next plan is to start applying at those companies. I would leave my nice office job with a personal assistant and go work at McDonald's if it meant I could have IVF coverage. That is so sad! Here I am a college graduate and I would give up a career to go flip burgers at a greasy fast food restaurant.
Damn insurance companies, why can't they all just pay for IVF! Why can you have a baby if you have enough money. That is not right!

IVF scares the crap out of me, I refuse to do it if we have to pay for it ourselves. The stress and pressure of it having to work that one time is too great. I do not think I could handle it if it didn't work. Its a 50/50 shot, at least with adoption you will get a baby eventually.

So tomorrow is another day, another day that I have to look at everyone else's babies, at other pregnant women's bellies and think about why not me? I pray every day for God to please bring us our baby. I just want to close this chapter of my life. I am tired of worrying about it, of researching it, and dealing with not being able to have kids, that is my biggest fear. I just want to scream. I want that ball in the back of my throat to go away. I want to stop crying tears of sadness. Off to bed, at least I don't have to think when I am asleep. Its the one time of peace that I have in my life.