Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.



When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.



He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."



The LORD replied:


"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Hello God are you there, it's me Shannon?

That is how I have been feeling lately. I feel like all these prayers I have been praying have gone unanswered. I feel like I have been talking to a wall, because nothing is going right. I don't get it, John and I have such a wonderful life, we have great friends and family, a beautiful home, good jobs, a good marriage, and yet we cannot have a baby. I have never considered myself a "holy roller" by any means, but I was raised Catholic and John and I are practicing Christians, and I have never had my faith tested in such a way.

I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, this is teaching you something, you will understand this journey one day. Well, for the life of me I don't get it. What type of God would put someone through this much pain and heartache? John and my hearts are completely broken- sometimes I wonder how either one of us manages to get out of bed each day. There are days where I really cannot do it anymore, I feel like I am faking it- my entire life right now is a lie. I have to hide my pain and suffering from everyone because no one understands what we are going through and I am so sick and tired of talking about it and explaining it to people.

I am feeling a bit more human today- I am going to try and get it together to go to a friends party tonight. Hopefully next week will be better. I am just dreading going back to work.

Beta not so good this morning.

My beta went down- which means that things are not meant to be this time. I took it really hard. I spent the majority of the day in bed crying, yelling and not understanding why this is happening to us. My heart is broken into a million pieces, and I have no more tears to cry. I am just numb.

An Infertility Prayer

A girl on the nest posted this and I really liked it.

God, please help me overcome what I can't control. Please give me and my husband the pleasure of becoming parents. Please bless my womb and control the destiny you have already written for me. Please allow us the chance to teach a new child your ways and to be able to overcome this obstacle you chose us to have. Thank you for each and every day you give to us and each and every day that we have each other. I want to rejoice in one of your greatest gifts. You have already blessed me with so much, including your love and my husband. In your name I pray and plead again for your greatest love and kindness to bless me with a child. In your name I pray. Amen."

Excitment meets fear!

I don't think I have ever been so excited and so scared all at the same time.
I had my mock transfer yesterday, everything went fine- the doctor just takes just measurments of the uterus so they know where to put the embroyos. I also had an ultrasound and NO CYSTS, yea!! I stared the Lupron injections and they are very easy they do not even hurt, however I have a constant headache- which is common with Lupron.

The are two things in the world that I am terrified of:
1. Snakes
2. Flying

Now, I fly, because there is really no way to avoid it- but I have to be drugged and I pretty much freak out for the entire flight! As for snakes, I avoid them at all costs- on TV, at zoo's, and any where else that they may be. As scared as I am of flying and snakes, IVF has be seriously freaked out. On one hand I am so excited, and on the other I am more scared then I have ever been in my entire life.

So back to the doctor next week for my baseline appointment- they will take blood and do another ultrasound and if everything checks out okay I will start on the Follistim to start getting my ovaries in gear and making eggs!

One more milestone tomorrow!

IVF can be and is very overwelming so its best for me to take it one day at a time and one apppointment at at time. I am getting over a lovely respiratory infection so I am so grateful that our cycle got bumped a month, because I would have been deathly ill while stimming, and being sick can screw with your egg quality. So I am learning that everything happens for a reason. But tomorrow I have my SHG, this is where the doctor will shoot saline solution into my uterus to look for anything weird. We want a perfect uterus for our little embabies to snuggle in for a 9 month stay. It's a very easy procedure so I am not expecting anything crazy. This is just one more thing done. I have completed my first week of birth control pills, only a few more weeks to go.
We also got approved through our insurance for our IVF, they are paying for everything, even the drugs. I heart Aetna and Bank of America. This merger could not have happened at a better time. I was always so afraid that if we needed IVF that paying for it would be and issue, you are looking at about $15,000 for one cycle and now I don't have to worry about it. We are so blessed to not only have great insurance that is paying for our dream of parenthood to come true, but to still both be employed in this crazy economy. Life really is good at our house. I tend to be a spaz, so I am trying to take it day by day- thats my motto right now, that's all I can do. I have been praying a lot lately, I never was much of a prayer- but over the last two years I really have turned to my faith (which has been tested at times) John and I are not big church goers, but need to start going again. But I pray every night, and just about every other quiet moment I get and I know my prayers will be answeared.