Its my blog and I'll vent if I want to!

I have to admit that I was shocked over the comments that came in over my Sarah Jessica Parker blog. So in response to the first comment, NOT the second. I get to have my venting session and y'all get to listen.

Now I have been dealing with infertility with going on two years here and I have to admit I'm really freaking getting sick of it! I have had to celebrate my friends and my not so friends babies at showers more times then I would like to admit. I have had to act happy and smile when people announce their pregnancies even when I want to scream "you don't deserve to be a parent!" I have to go to birthday parties and watch others celebrate their children when it should be me, not them. I hate what this has done to me, I have never been a jealous person, but that is what infertility has turned me into.

And to comment on all the stupid ass advice people have given me over the months, and yes it's STUPID!! First off, relaxing is not going to bring me a baby, and yes I have tried putting a pillow under my butt after sex, I have taken my temperature, and had sex when I was ovulating, and no I don't just want to adopt, we have a freaking medical condition that is hindering our baby making abilities so BACK OFF! This advice has come from friends and family that I love dearly, but they don't have a freaking clue, so please people get a clue. Stop giving advice and just be supportive.

I also have heard it all when it comes to the fertility treatments. I know that fertility treatments are not explained correctly in the media or on TV, so unless you have been there and done that I do not expect you to understand them. But please understand that IVF is not just for rich people, yes it's expensive, but couples save for months, even years, to be able to afford it, because they want a baby. And IVF does not give you 9 kids, like octomom. Also, IUI does not always end like Jon and Kate plus 8- just FYI there are only 14 sets of living sextuplets in the US- that is not that many compared to how many couples go through IUI every year. The goal of fertility treatments is to have ONE baby, not a litter.

In regards to donor eggs and donor sperm, sometimes that is a couples only option- and it can be very helpful in some cases, where there is a medical problem with either the female or the male. In regards to surrogacy, women do not do it because they are vain or do not want to get fat- women suffering from infertility would give their right leg to be pregnant. But there are medical conditions, such as severe cases of endometriosis,, or uterine fibroid, or even a cancer that can make it so a woman cannot carry her own child. So please, if you have an opinion about infertility or fertility treatments and you have not walked in our shoes please do not try, be supportive and just be there for us and support us through all our trials and tribulations and be there to celebrate the new life that will eventually arrive.

So thanks for listening to my rant, but it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick to have twins!

So this was the news headline on People.com tonight and I have to admit I am super exicted for them. I absolutely LOVE Sarah Jessica Parker- partly because I am a huge Sex and the City fan, but becasue they seem like they are such real people and real parents. I also love that they came out and admitted that they are using a surrogate.

My personal favorite was the comments that people were making on people.com, stuff like "why don't they just adopt" or "why did she use a surrogate?" "is she too vain to get pregnant?" And my personal favorite, "I hope its their egg and sperm, otherwise it's not fair to the kid".
I seriously wanted to kill those people. First off, freaking be happy for them, they admitted that they have had trouble concieving since the birth of thier son, James Wilkie 6 years ago. Hello people she is 44 and he 47- getting pregnant at 44 is not an easy task! It has nothing to do with being too vain to carry her own child. GET REAL!!
I would be interested to know if they were SJP's eggs, just the fact that she is 44 her eggs cannot be in the best shape, if they are donor eggs, good for them, and if they are not good for them as well.

People have no idea what it takes to form a family, and they need to learn to keep their comments to themselves. These twin girls were concieved out of love, and lots of blood, sweat, and tears. Good for them! I just hope they use this as an opportunity to tell their story and encourage and inspire others!

I would be interested to know

Its National Infertility Awareness week! Did you know that 1 in 7 couples will face infertility. Be aware and ask questions! Be your own advocate. For more information visit Resolve.org

MOTHER F**CKER

Made you look! HAHA! Just kidding, not I did not just swear at you, its actually a gene mutation that I have. MTHFR, looks a lot like Mother F**cker doesn't it? The long name is Methlyenetetrahydrifikate reductace (MTHFR) and it is a key enzyme in the metabolism of homocystine. Mutation sin the MTHFR gene have been reported as causes of hyperhomcysteinemia. The most common MTHFR mutation , C^&&T, is present in homozygous state in 5-10% of the general Caucasian population. Homozygous individuals are predisposed to developing hyperhomocysteinemia, particularly when deficient in foliate. I am oh so lucky to have this gene mutation. Which means that I have be on extra high doses of folic acid (5 times what the normal person takes) in order to protect my body and my baby. Folic acid helps to form the spine in the fetus, so not having enough folic acid could cause birth defects. I also will have to be on blood thinner once pregnancy is confirmed, via blood test. The blood thinner that is most frequently used is Lovenex, and it is an injectible medication. So needless to say, after shooting up for weeks prior to IVF, I will be shooting up for 40 weeks while pregnant. Not that I mind, if I had to take 100 shots a day to protect my child I would do it.

Having this gene mutation puts me at higher risk for developing blood clots and therefore late 2nd and 3rd trimester miscarriages. So the blood thinners are key in me having a successful pregnancy. There are a lot of horror stories on the Internet, however the thing to remember is that these horror stories are from people who did not know that they have the mutation, so knowing that I have this is very important in combating it. My doctor has been all over this and has been very proactive in treating my mutation.

I think what is so hard about this is that I will never have a easy pregnancy that is stress free. Not only have I had to jump through hoops to get pregnant- but once pregnant I will have to be seen by a high risk OBGYN, and seen almost weekly to make sure that they baby is okay. In a way I am happy because I will get lots of extra attention. This also makes me feel like this is it- with all my issues we may not be doing this again, this is where my hopes of having twins come in- my body may not be able to have another child after this. I don't want to worry about that right now, my goal at this time is to walk away with a healthy baby, if it's more then one then that's a bonus.

I really had to push to have the blood tests done that caught my gene mutation, and without this information I could have had one devastating miscarriage after another. So I really want women out there to be your own advocate, and talk to your doctor, especially if you have been suffering from miscarriages demand to have the repeat pregnancy loss blood panel done. It may answer all your questions.
Don't stop asking questions and demand answers, this is your body and your baby you are fighting for.

How to manage a marriage

When John and I were engaged we went to a 10 week marriage class that was help at our church and it was great, we learned so much about each other, however it did come up that I had very unrealistic expectations of what marriage was. Our counselors told us that it was normal since I never been married before, but I needed to remember that marriage is work, and its not all sunshine and rainbows. Now almost 3 years after our wedding I totally agree with them. Marriage is not easy, you have to work at it. There is always going to be something that comes in in life that can complicate things. John and I have been lucky that we have not had to deal with any major life issue, no family deaths or sickness, no unemployment (knock on wood), no life threatening medical issues. All in all we are doing pretty good. However, infertility has been a big hurdle in our life, not so much in our marriage. I think the first year that we were trying John thought I was nuts he wanted to have a baby, but he was not in a big hurry. By the second year I think we were finally on the same page, he was ready and I was certainly ready. We pretty much had several all out fights and crying sessions over it, we both decided that we would do whatever it takes to have a child. I know so many couples that struggle with infertility and don't make it, either they break up after they have a child, which seems like such a waste, and others never make it to that point. Some break up because one wants a child and the other does not, some break up over infertility issues. It really is so important to talk about it and know where you partner stands on fertility treatments and to what extent you are willing to go. There can be a lot of ethical issues and personal morals that are tested when you start talking about IVF, donor eggs, donor sperm, or adoption. So honesty is very important you cannot hold back anything. I am very lucky that God blessed with a man as patient as John, I know I test his patience at least once a day! He is an exeptional man and will be an exceptional father. That is what keeps me going some days, I want to see him look into his child's eyes, I want to have something that we created together.

Brad Paisley was recently on American Idol performing his new song, Then, it will be released on a new CD titled American Saturday Night. The chorus of the song is great I just love it!

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, now
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

So here's to you my darling John, I couldn't ask for a better partner in this rollar coaster we call life. Hugs and kisses!

My Climb

This is my new favorite song, this song sums up my feelings about infertility and this long battle that is my life. Its the new Miley Cyrus song.

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's The Climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I mean I know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
[ The Climb lyrics from http://www.lyricsyoulove.com/ ]
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

To ICSI or not to ICSI

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is an assisted reproductive technology (ART) used to treat sperm-related infertility problems. ICSI is used to enhance the fertilization phase of in vitro fertilization (IVF) by injecting a single sperm into a mature egg.
Under high-power magnification, a glass tool (holding pipet) is used to hold an egg in place. A microscopic glass tube containing sperm (injection pipet) is used to penetrate and deposit one sperm into the egg. After culturing in the laboratory overnight, eggs are checked for evidence of fertilization. After incubation, the eggs that have been successfully fertilized (zygotes) or have had 3 to 5 days to further develop (zygotes or blastocysts) are selected. Two to four are placed in the uterus using a thin flexible tube (catheter) that is inserted through the cervix. The remaining embryos may be frozen (cryopreserved) for future attempts.

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is used to treat severe male infertility, as when little or no sperm are ejaculated in the semen. Immature sperm collected from the testicles are usually unable to move about and are more likely to fertilize an egg through ICSI. It is also helpful when the sperm is poorly shaped, it allows the embroyologist to pick the best sperm to fertilize the egg with.

Some couples choose to try ICSI after repeat in vitro fertilization has been unsuccessful. In the United States, about half of IVF procedures are currently performed using ICSI technology. Myself I find this absolutely crazy, why would couples not want to ICSI, why would you want to take the risk of eggs not fertalizing? I just do not get that!!

ICSI is also used for couples who are planning to have genetic testing of the embryo to check for certain genetic disorders. ICSI uses only one sperm for each egg, so there is no chance the genetic test can be contaminated by other sperm.

There has been some studies that show that using ICSI gives you a slightly higher change of having identical twins, but there is not enough evidence to support that quite yet.

So, we will be doing ICSI, we have to, with John's sperm which is poorly shaped and the potential that my eggs are too hard, that would make natural fertilization more difficult. So whatever the risks, I feel the benefits outweigh the risks.

Anji Medition CD's

I am definalty going to be buying this CD for our upcoming IVF cycle. It helps to destress you while going through the roller coaster of infertility. Its a series of CD's, so you can pick and choose what CD is best for you and for your paticular cycle. I do not have a first hand experience yet, because I have not listened to the CD yet, but I have great things about it. It takes fertility to a cellualr level and teaches you that your fertility today is based on your feels from yesterday.
To learn more about Jennifer Bloome's taking charge of your health visit, http://www.anjionline.com.

Where did my mind go?

Fiirst off I have to say that the internet is the single greatest invention ever! Thank you, Bill Gates, Al Gore, or whoever freaking invented it. But it can also be my worst nightmare. We literally have oddles of information at our fingertips and today it broke me. I started researching different fertility problems and before I knew it I am diagnosing myself with things that I don't even know they are. By the time I left my office for lunch I sat in my car and had myself a really good cry. I just cannot beleive that we are at this stage in the game. I have such mixed emotions, in a way I always knew we would be doing IVF, I was told back in October of 2007 and again in January 2008 that that's what it was going to take to get pregnant, I just cannot beleive that we are doing this. I always thought IVF was for old rich people who couldn't get pergnant on thier own, boy was I wrong, I know so many young couples who are going through this.

So after I calmed down and made my poor husband feel bad I got my shit together called my doctor and insisted that they rerun all my blood clotting labs and my recurrent pregnancy labs, so I can be sure that everything is okay and that I am property taken care of. I do feel better now about everything. I am a control freak so for me I am putting a lot in others hands.

On the up side my extra dose of Follistim come in the mail today, so I am offically ready. Here we go, ready or not!!

Drama on the internet!

Let me start by saying that I am addicted to Thenestbaby.com, its a great resource for me, there are mesasge boards for all different types of fertility issues. I tend to hang out on the Trouble Trying to Concieve board and the Success after Infertility board. Well, today some shit went down. There is a girl on the Success after Infertility board who had her first daughter last March after no fertility treamtents, it was a "miracle" cycle that she happened to concieve. Well, her daugher just turned one and she just went through a miscarriage, she concieved very easily again, but lost it early on. Well, first month after the miscarriage she and her husband "accidently" had sex and she got pregnant again. Well, she comes over to our Trouble trying to concieve board and gets up on her soap box about how poor sperm morphology is no big deal, because she has gotten pregnant a bunch of times, and has a beautiful daughter to show for it, and how we should all have hope because she can get pregnant and her husband had one seman anaylsis that showed poor morphology.

Well, did girls get upset, she is certainly the most fertile infertile that we have all met! Yes, I am happy that she can get prengnat so easliy, but do not come over to our board and talk about how easily you can get pregnant when there are tons of women get get pregnant with poor morphology through IVF and ICSI. I truly wonder if this freak show's husband even has sperm issues, he had one damn test that showed it, and that means NOTHING. Try having several seaman anaysis's that show poor sperm quality. So don't parade around telling us it can happen to you, and it will happen to us! I could have sex all day long, we need medical intervention, not a freaking story about how one girl got pregnant. Yes, there is also a chance that I would win the lottery, does that mean I sit around and wait, HELL NO! Why would I sit around and wait for a stork when I could do IVF and fix our problem?!

I hate these women who give false hope to other women, there is a fine line between hope and advice. Hope for me comes from the dozens of women who have been successful with IVF on their first try. Not that fluke pregnany that comes out of no where.

I love my nestie girls! I never thought I could be so close to women that I have never met.

This is how babies are REALLY made!

Got all my drugs today for our IVF cycle, a grand total of $21.00, what a bargain! I love our insurance. This is what it takes to make a baby in our world!!

SHG done!

I had my SHG today and it was super duper easy, nothing to it! It was SOOOO much better then the HSG, oh god was that painful, I feel so bad for anyone who was in the waiting room while I was having that done, because I was screaming my head off.
The hardest part of the SHG was having to have a full bladder and holding it. I normally do not wake up and drink two bottles of water. So we are off an running- next time I will be at the RE's office it will be to start Lupron, YEAH!! We are so excited.

One more milestone tomorrow!

IVF can be and is very overwelming so its best for me to take it one day at a time and one apppointment at at time. I am getting over a lovely respiratory infection so I am so grateful that our cycle got bumped a month, because I would have been deathly ill while stimming, and being sick can screw with your egg quality. So I am learning that everything happens for a reason. But tomorrow I have my SHG, this is where the doctor will shoot saline solution into my uterus to look for anything weird. We want a perfect uterus for our little embabies to snuggle in for a 9 month stay. It's a very easy procedure so I am not expecting anything crazy. This is just one more thing done. I have completed my first week of birth control pills, only a few more weeks to go.
We also got approved through our insurance for our IVF, they are paying for everything, even the drugs. I heart Aetna and Bank of America. This merger could not have happened at a better time. I was always so afraid that if we needed IVF that paying for it would be and issue, you are looking at about $15,000 for one cycle and now I don't have to worry about it. We are so blessed to not only have great insurance that is paying for our dream of parenthood to come true, but to still both be employed in this crazy economy. Life really is good at our house. I tend to be a spaz, so I am trying to take it day by day- thats my motto right now, that's all I can do. I have been praying a lot lately, I never was much of a prayer- but over the last two years I really have turned to my faith (which has been tested at times) John and I are not big church goers, but need to start going again. But I pray every night, and just about every other quiet moment I get and I know my prayers will be answeared.

25 Random things about me:

To help you get to know me a little better and having done this on Facebook here you go:

1. I live in Las Vegas, and no I do not live on the strip, work on the strip, or even go there that much. We really do have normal houses and lives here in sin city.

2. I hate pushing the buttons at the gas station at the pay at the pump, the germs freak me out.

3. I have a serious obsession with purses and sunglasses, from Coach to Dior and Chanel I have a problem. Thank goodness its a easy gift for my husband to buy me, its a one shop deal.

4. I grew up in a small town in Ohio, was in 4-H, had horses, shoveled manure, and wouldn't change a thing about that.

5. I could not live without my Blackberry and debit card. Those are must haves when leaving the house.

6. I have a tanning addiction- I must go- now not to the point where I always look like I got back from Cancun, but I like to have a little color at all times.

7. I am a neat freak about my car- it must be clean inside and out.

8. I have OCD about leaving my curling iron plugged in- I check it about a dozen times before leaving the house and I call my husband at least once a week to have him check before he leaves for work, and yes its an automatic shut off one- so I really don't know why I worry about it.

9. Becoming a mom is the most important thing to me right now, and I will not let anyone or anything stand in my way.

10. Target is my weakness- I cannot walk out of there without buying something.

11. I met my husband on the Match.com.

12. I have never tried mustard or ketchup and do no intend to ever try it.

13. I am obsessed with the color pink, my engagement ring is even pink. I know I better have a girl! HAHA

14. I refuse to use bar soap, it must be liquid soap

15. I love tennis, used to play all the time, and definitely need to get back into it.

16. Obsessed with Sex and the City- I can recite pretty much the entire show- fall asleep to it every night, I have every season on DVD and I am a total Charlotte.

17. I would not consider myself patient- although infertility has taught me patience in a way I never thought I could understand.

18. Infertility has brought out not nice traits in me, I hate that. But I have learned a lot about myself.

19. I shave everything, everyday! I hate stubble, okay well not my head, but you get the idea.

20. I have OCD about dusting and vacuuming- I do it a lot.

21. I have a serious issue with post its- I love them and they are everywhere all over my office.

22. I am always early, NEVER late, and lateness drives me nuts!

23. I love going out to eat, I don't mind cooking, but just would prefer to go out- I think the food tastes better!

24. Love dogs, hate cats, hate snakes even more.

25. I try to be tough, but really I am not, its all a front!

Be at Peace

I found this on a nesties blog and it brought tears to my eyes. With all the ups and down and twists and turns of life we have to remember to :

Be at Peace," by Saint Francis de Sales

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His Arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering or will give you the unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

The good the bad and the acne!

Well, here I am trying to have a baby and taking birth control! Yes, you read that correctly BIRTH CONTROL! Its part of my IVF protocol it helps to shut your body down so my doctor can tell it what to do with other drugs that will come later.
But the up side of birth control is the great skin that comes with it. I never have had an issue with acne, even as a teenager I had great skin. Well, will all the fertility drugs it reaks havoc on your skin, so I have been breaking out like crazy the past year. So needless to say I spend lots of money on make up, skin cleaner, and facials trying to keep it under control.

So heres to getting pregnant and having great glowing skin in the process!

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Step one for IVF complete!

To me IVF is such a process, its many many weeks of injections, meds, and doctors appts all leading up to the egg reteival and then the embroyo transfer. Today was step one, complete and I couldn't be happier. I got my period today! I never thought I would be happy to say that, but now I can start birth control pills which I will take for about 3 1/2 weeks to shut my system down. I also have my first day of blood work tomorrow morning to make sure everything is good to go. I am just going to take this day by day and not get ahead of myself. I'm so excited toget this party started!
Keep your prayers with us as we embark on this journey!