Inspirational Quote Of Hope December 31, 2008

"To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it."- Mother Teresa

Thoughts from 08 and hopes for 09

As we get ready to celebrate 2009 I have to think about all the things about 08 that I am grateful for. Looking back I tend to think about all the bad things from 08 and the good things seem to blend into the background.

Things I am grateful for from 2008:
1. My wonderful husband- dealing with infertility has brought us closer together.
2. My wonderful family- I have great parents, my mom has been there for me in all my tears throughout the past year. I have a great and supportive mother in law and two sister in laws, as well as fun and loving nieces and nephews, as well as my great nieces and nephews. Oh how I am loving watch them grow up, Autumn (who is 9) amazes me every time I see her.
3. Holding my nieces son, Neves, one hour after he was born, watching her go through her pregnancy was hard for me, but I had nothing by tears of joy when I held him.
4. Our beautiful new home, we finally have room to grow and entertain- and we were able to rent our other home quickly.
5. Wonderful vacations, we went to Mexico and Universal Studios and had a blast!
6. Watching our business continue to grow slowly but surely, its taught me a lot.
7. This may sound strange, but in a way I am grateful for having to struggle with infertility (though I was gladly get off this train) but it has taught me patience, faith, and made me realize what it truly important in life.
8. Still being employed, with health insurance (that covers some infertility treatments) being able to buy food without thinking about it, being able to treat myself to a new shirt or new pair of shoes. Having a new car that I love that is dependable and safe. I used to get upset because I couldn't buy a $500 pair of shoes that I wanted, but now I am just grateful that I can buy the $50 pair of shoes.
9. Our wonderful doctors, Dr. Littman and Dr. Roth- who have become very special to me- they do everything in their power to help us achieve our dream of becoming parents. I am also grateful that we have the medical advances available to help battle infertility.

So I though I would take a minute to reflect on the years past and my hopes for the new year. I hate the word resolution, because it sets you up to fail, so I try to think about it as goals for 09. The most important thing about abouts goals is that they are attainable and that you set a time limit that you will achieve your goal.

Goals for 09:
1. Eat healthier and work out more- walk the dog, do cardio 2 times per week
2. Get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby
3. Continue to grow our business
4. Continue to do well at my job
5. Spend more time with family, I need to plan a trip to see my parents
6. Vacation more (may be put on hold if pregnant) but try to take advantage of some great dream trips with World Ventures.
7. Continue to love John and make our relationship even stronger
8. Learning to accept life as it comes, not looking to far into the future

Overall 08 has been a growing and learning year for me, I feel like I am learning something new everyday, my patience and my faith has been tested and I am learning how to deal with that. I will keep my faith in God that our lives will be blessed with a baby and many other wonderful experiences.

Cheers to a happy and healthy new year! I will you all great success and prosperity in 2009!

The Meaning of 333...

Hi, Folks. John here. I was having a spell of waking up night after night at 3:33 am. This kept happening night after night. One day I had to write a check and the sequence came up 333. After a few days of this it started to drive me nuts and I had to try and find a meaning.

I started to Google the meaning of 333. The first site I came across posted several Bible verses that had the chapter and verse 3:33. As I read on I found many references to the meaning as God is with you and also the number represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. Was this God's way of telling me he knows our pain and that he was with us?

It made me feel good as I read this. Maybe it meant God would would give us what we were longing for...a baby. Or he wanted us to do something. Maybe help those with infertility issues. Or he was just letting us he know he was there for us.

As I read on I came across an entry from a gentleman discussing how he was waking up at 3:33 on a regular basis as well. He then proceeded to tell a story about how a woman he knew said she had a dream about him and his wife having triplets. His wife wasn't pregnant at the time, but a month later she was. They didn't know what they were having yet, but it was interesting. Was God telling me we were having triplets? If 333 means God is with us then I certainly hope he is if we were going to have triplets.

The gentleman's post continued with stating his birthday, which happened to be mine as well. A posting after his talked about the same scenario and a another gentleman was waking up at 3:33, but the thing that got me was he shared the same birthday too.

I read all this just before we had our first IUI procedure. We have had two IUI's now and both times I was thinking we were going to have triplets. Of course if God was making up for lost time we most certainly would know we were blessed, but we would definitely have our hands full with triplets.

Well as you may have read in previous posts neither of our IUI procedures at this point have worked. So, no triplets yet. But I recently began to think of a new meaning.

Although, I always know God is with us maybe 333 equals 9. With next year being 2009maybe we will have a baby next year. And with all the references to my birthday maybe it will be born the same day.

I am looking forward to next year and all it has to bring and I know God is on our side.

Infertility Myth #3

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“THE DOCTOR ALWAYS KNOWS BEST” MYTH

This is the myth that I feel the strongest about. Because I am the biggest beleiver in trusting your gut and doing what you beleive it. Now, let me start my saying that my step father, step sister, and brother in law are all doctors, plus my mother is a nurse, so I come from a medical family. So I love doctors and I am so happy that we have them and all the medical technologies that we have today, however that does not mean that you do not have the right to ask questions and demand answears. Just becasue you are going to a fertility specalist does not mean that you check your opnion and your brain at the door.

Think of your relationship with your doctor as a business deal- you are paying them to provide a service, get you pregnant, and if they are failing to do so in the best manner possible for you and your partner then you have every right to speak up. If a restaurant got your order wrong would you just sit by and think "oh well" NO, you would send it back! You are spending a lot of money to go through fertility treatments you have every right to get what you paid for.

Now, it is important to have an honest, trusting relationship with your physician. If you have such a relationship, he or she will not object to your asking questions. It is in everyone’s interest for you to be fully informed about the treatments that are available to you. What seems appropriate to your physician as a next step in treatment, may or may not be right for you either physically, financially, emotionally, or spiritually.

If something does not feel right or you just want to have more information you should ask and feel comfortable asking a question. Also, if you feel the need seek a second opnion, if you had cancer wouldn't you get a second opnion, I WOULD! So treating infertility is no different.

I once met a girl who was dealing with infertility and she was told by her OBGYN to take Clomid from days 3-7 of her cycle and have sex on days 12-15- and she did it, no questions asked, and she had three failed failed Clomid cycles.

I cannot even begain to tell you how many things are wrong with this, I think my mouth hit the ground when the girl was telling me this story. First off, Clomid is a powerful drug, you need to be monoitored with ultrasounds and be seen by the doctor. Secondly this girl had no idea if and when she was ovulating, she may have been ovulating early or later, which would mean intercourse could have been timed incorrectly. Also, if the Clomid dose she was on was not working that her dosage needed to be changed to maxamize her results.

This poor girl was clueless, she didn't know any better, she felt her doctor knew best and she should just do as she said. Ladies, be informed! The internet is a great option to research things, there are message boards, like thebump.com that have women who are going through fertility treatments. Now any info that you get on the internet please ask your doctor before you do something that is not healthly for you, but at least use it to get some basic info.

So ladies and gentlemen, get involved, this is your body, this is your fight to have a baby, be proactive, take an interest in yourself. Read books about infertility, reaserach it on the internet, talk to your doctor, go on message boards and discuss with others that are going through this journey with you. Just speak up! Ask questions and do not ever feel guilty for fighting for what you want, a BABY!

Inspirational Quote Of Hope December 30, 2008

"At first we hope to much; later one, not enough."- Joseph Roux

Erie sense of calmness

The past few days I have had the strangest feeling of calmness, unlike I have had over the course of the past 2 years on this trying to conceive journey.
Maybe its because I have renewed hoped that one day we will beat this monster, called infertility, maybe its because I am happy with things the way they are right now, maybe it's because I want to figure myself out, as I have felt so lost the past 24 months. Maybe it's for no reason at all, maybe I am just coming to terms with life.

I have decided that I need to work on me, and my relationship with my husband. We need to have fun and relax, we need to have sex when we feel like it, not when the schedule says so. I need to work out and release some of my stress. I am the first person to defend infertility as being a physical problem, not a mental one. But for me, I really think I have some mental boundaries that are keeping me from achieving my goals.

I really have felt so lost the past two years, I feel like when I had a miscarriage that I lost a part of me, and I have been trying to get that back by getting pregnant, but that's not right. I need to be whole before I can bring a life into this world. The past two years have flown by and I really do not remember most of that, when I think back all I see is the infertility, the months of disappointment and the months of unhappiness. What I am forgetting is that great trips to Disneyland, the great dinners with family and friends, and awesome Mexican vacation where we went jet skiing, where nothing mattered when I was on that ocean, the wonderful holidays and birthdays. All that has taken a back seat to infertility, and I hate that.

Infertility will always be a part of who I am and when this journey comes to an end the wounds will fade away, and I will be a stronger person for having fought this battle. But I cannot let it control me anymore, I am turning over a new leaf, it may sound selfish, but 2009 is all about me! I have to take care of myself, because I am no good to anyone else if I don't. My husband deserves a whole wife, not a beaten down, hysterical, pissed off wife. He deserves someone who is positive and faces her challenges head on. I have been so focused on the future and the what if's that I lost sight of the here and now. I know we will get through this, one step at a time!

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 29, 2008

"Hope is the last thing ever lost."- Italian Proverb

Infertility Myth #4

THE STRESS MYTH

“Infertility is caused by stress."

Try to relax. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that phrase- I would not have to worry about how to pay for IVF if we need it. Because I would have a fortune. From family to friends to people I really do not even know. That seems to be the favorite phrase of everybody. They all tell me to take a vacation or a cruise or get drunk and have sex.

My question is, how do you relax, when you can't have what your heart desires? Believe me I wish I could relax! To all those people who say to, take a vacation. Yea right! Let me plan my vacation around the time when I going be ovulating. Like I know that months in advance. Because newsflash people, you have to be ovulating in order to get pregnant.

Infertility is seldom the result of psychological factors. In 90 percent of all infertility cases, infertility specialists are able to determine a physical problem. According to Resolve, the national infertility support organization, “Psychological stress is more likely a result of infertility than the cause.”

So to those who feel that they need to say something or give advice about my infertility, here is my suggestion, JUST SAY NOTHING! Or say something, like " I understand this is very frustrating for you to go through, if you want to talk please know I am here for you" I know that infertility is one of those topics that people do not know what to say and they feel the need to put their two cents in. I was told by someone to take my temperature that they would help. Now, I appreciate the tip, but after all this time and hiring a fertility specialist don't you think I would have already tried that!? I do not expect everyone to know everything about fertility treatments but please do not try to help, just offer your support and move on. It will be better for all involved.

To those who are struggling with infertility, there is something to be said about trying to relax, but just for your own piece of mind. You have to try and have some sort of life, infertility will take over your life, so do not let it. Get a pedicure or a massage, go shopping, or take a walk in the park. Spend time with your partner, take a vacation, but take a vacation to clear your mind and have some fun, not just to have drunken sex. Now if a baby comes 9 months later great, but take care of yourself first.

First IVF baby!

It's amazing to think that with all the medical treatments that are available to us now that they had to start somewhere. Could you imagine living in a time where we didn't have IVF or IUI or fertility drugs?
No help to turn to in order to help you conceive, how sad would that be.
The world's first IVF baby, or "test tube" baby, turned 30 this year. Louise Brown, was born on July 25, 1978 in Greater Manchester, England.
Louise was born to Lesley and John Brown, who had been trying to conceive for nine years, but had no success due to Lesley's blocked Fallopian tubes. Lesley underwent the procedure on November 10, 1977 performed by Drs. Patrick Steptoe and Robert Edwards.

Louise's younger sister, Natalie Brown, was also conceived through IVF, four years later, and became the world's fortieth IVF baby, and the first one to give birth herself—naturally—in 1999.

Louise Brown married nightclub doorman Wesley Mullinder in 2004, and their son, Cameron, conceived naturally,was born on in December of 2006.

So thank you to the Brown family and those courageous doctors who paved the way for some many other families, who have had successful IVF babies.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 28, 2008

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." - Anne Lammot

Recovering From Christmas

Well, it has been nice to have a few days since the holiday to recover. It again was a great holiday, lots of great gifts. I got a beauitful Coach wallet to match the Coach purse John got me for my birthday. Its so pretty, I have moved all my stuff into it already, I desperately needed a new wallet. I also got the second Twilight Book, New Moon, I am already half way through it, it's so good!

We had a great time having the family over on Christmas Eve, this is the first year we have had a house large enough to hold everyone, so it was great to have everyone at our house. My nine year old niece told me that I need a baby, I told her I couldn't agree with her more. Then she started to tell me about different things and I was so amazed that I was talking to a nine year old, she is so freaking smart it's almost scary.

John had a great time with our 4 year old newphew River, he was playing Spiderman with him. I had the greatest feeling seeing John with him, I had all these visions of John playing with our kids. It was nice becasue it reassured me that we will one day have children of our own to share the holidays with.

To add to a great Christmas I actually ovulated on my own on Christmas day. Yes I know this may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I have not ovulated on my own without the help of fertility drugs since summer, so I was thrilled!

John and I went to midnight mass and it was so nice, I really love the Christmas mass. There were moments that I had tears come to my eyes watching all the families, and I have to admit the the majority of my prayers were asking God to bless us with a baby when he is ready for us to recieve it.

All and all it was a great holiday, I did miss my mom and step dad, but I will see them soon and hopefully they will be with us next Christmas.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 27, 2008

"He, who has health, has hope; and he who has hope has everything."- Arabian Proverb

Santa Forgot Something...

I remember when I was six years old and had wanted a Six Million Dollar Man action figure so bad. Santa had delivered and I ran through the house showing everyone what I had got. Another year I had wanted this batcopter as part of my Mego World's Greatest Super Hero Collection. My parents had ordered it through the J C Penney catalog and I remember counting the days until it arrived. At one point I was told I was bad, which I probably was, and the batcopter was not coming. But late Christmas morning Santa had come through...I got my batcopter.

I can't remember many Christmas's where I didn't get what I asked for, but this year Santa was a little short...no baby. Unlike Ralphie's Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle from "A Christmas Story", hidden behind a desk as a last minute surprise, there were no gifts hidden anywhere this year. But I take that back. There wasn't a last minute surprise in the form of a baby, but there were plenty of gifts.

Shannon had come through as usual with the things I had wanted. Especially, the DVD of "The Dark Knight", which yes I am still a Batman Fanatic. Another great gift was the ability to share our new home with family and friends on Christmas Eve. This is the first year we had room to fit everyone comfortably as our other homes have always been to small to entertain.

One of the best gifts though this year was the time we spent with our nieces and nephews especially my three year old nephew River. He reminds me so much of myself. He has been on a Indiana Jones kick since the movie came out last summer. But just like me he is a fan of all that is Geek. Batman, Spiderman, and Indiana Jones.

He received a Spiderman costume from his Grandpa for a Christmas gift, I would have died for that thing when I was his age, and he immediately put it on. I became the Green Goblin or the Green "Gobbin" as he called me. We had a blast. Someone said John's a 10 year old in the body of a 38 year old and that maybe I had secretly wanted a boy. We have had our heart set on a girl, but as you know any healthy baby would do for us.

I had shown River my collection of toys from when I was his age earlier in the evening. My Star Wars and Super Hero collection had River's eyes wide open. The constant "Wows" had reminded of the "Wows" I had as kid seeing these things in department stores. At one point he asked me if he could play with my pristine World Greatest Super Heroes Mego action figures. I told to tell him a heart breaking "No,", but a thought had come to my mind that I would probably have to have the collection locked up to prevent little hands from opening those boxes one day.

Although, we didn't receive the main present we were hoping for I did get some great gifts. Spending time with my wonderful wife, family and friends. Remembering the excitement of the all my Christmas's past. And seeing the wonder and joy in children's eyes and knowing that one day I would one day see those same looks on our children's eyes on Christmas.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 26, 2008

"Every life is a profession of faith and exercises an inevitable and silent influence."- Henri Frederic Amiel

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 25, 2008

"Faith is an invisible and invincible magnet, and attracts to itself whatever it fervently desires and calmly and persistently expects."- Ralph Waldo Trine

Merry Christmas Eve!

Its Christmas eve, we are having the fam over to our house for dinner, which should be fun. That is if I can ever get home and get things moving and ready for everyone to come over, I am stuck at working waiting for the stupid clock to hit 3:00pm.
I don't understand employers- its freaking Christmas eve, like we don't all have better and more important things to do, it's not like are getting any real work done.

Anyway, yesterday was a very hard day for me, I was very happy to hear that my friend who has struggled with infertility for over 3 years is finally pregnant, so I am over the moon for her, I talked to her last night and I was almost crying for her, I am that happy for her! She gives me hope. Now to follow that up I found out another girl (I don't know here very well) is pregnant. Now let me explain, she told me that they have been trying unsuccessfully for a few months and when they just "relaxed" she got pregnant.
Oh, how I hate the "just relax" comment, yeah right! Relax, because that makes me ovulate! HELLO, if I am not ovulating I cannot get pregnant. Where you awake in health class in 5th grade??

I love Xmas time, this is my favorite time of year, yet I am missing something. I so want a baby to have its first Christmas and buy the ornament, hang it on the tree and have family photos taken for the Christmas card. I want Christmas pagents and holiday parties at school, going to see Santa for the first time, and watching their little faces light up on Christmas morning. That is what a long for and so desperately want. Every year it gets harder and harder, I really thought I would be pregnant this year. So that is my goal- pregnant by Xmas 2009 or bust!

I am going to start working out and eating better- in hopes to loose some weight and make pregnany be easier on my body. All this time I have been looking for medical fixes to get me pregnant, and yes I will continue with those, but I think the real answear is inside of me. I have to learn to enjoy life again and reconnect with my husband.

So heres to 2009, what a great year its going to be! I wish all of you a Merry Christmas!

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 24, 2008

"The ultimate ground of faith and knowledge is confidence in God."- Charles Hodge

Never give up hope!

Today I found out that a good friend on mine, who I met through the trials and tribulation of infertility is pregnant. I am so happy for her, she has been through so much! Three years of dealing with this, 4 IUI's and 1 failed IVF, finally on her 5th IUI she got pregnant. She had insisted on the lap surgery, and sure enough the doctor foundEndometriosis, and she had not one symptom. So congrats to her and her hubby on their Christmas miracle.

I am very happy for her, however there is a lingering cloud of jealously, and sadness for myself. She does give me hope that if she can get through all of this then so can I. I am scheduled for my lap surgery on January 14th, so hopefully the doctor will find something and I too will get pregnant. I hate that I have lost the ability to be genuinely happy for people, its not that I am a mean nasty person, but it gets harder and harder. I truly am the only one left, so the next pregnant person has to be me, right?!

I have always been a competitive person, whether it was horse shows, tennis or school, and its very hard for me to come in last place in the baby race. I know its the smart steady person who wins the race, and I will will one day cross that finish line with our baby in my arms, but everyday infertility race gets a little more difficult to run.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 23, 2008

"Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking."- John R. Stott

Embryo's all alone?

This morning I had to get my blood drawn pretty early- I had to go to Quest, not my doctors office, which is fine. But the hospital that I went to is right next to my fertility specialist's office. When I drove by it this morning, it was all dark (they weren't open yet) no cars in the parking lot, it was really weird- its usually really busy.

I started to think about when IVF is done, the embryos are kept warm in an incubator waiting to be ready to put back into the uterus. The embryologist watches over the embryos and takes good care of them. She always tells me she never had her own kids, so she treats the embryos like her children, which is really sweet.

But anyways when I saw the office all dark, I started thinking about all the lonely embryos in the office alone. It made me really sad to think about that. I guess the up side is that hopefully there is more the one embryo so they have their brothers and sisters to keep them company while they are growing and developing, hopefully getting ready to be sticky babies and snuggle in for a nine month stay.

I know this is so silly, that I would feel bad for the lonely embryos, John thinks I am officially crazy! But I think about they embryos as em babies, they are someones future children.
Sometimes I wonder where I come up with this stuff and why things go through my mind.

Inspiratonal Quote Of Hope December 22, 2008

"Faith is love taking the form of aspiration."- William Ellery Channing

Making Some Changes To The Cocktails.

In the posting "My Sperm Have Been Swimming Like Michael Phelps", which you can see read
http://bringusababy.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-sperm-have-been-swimming-like.html , I discussed the vast improvement of my semen analysis' since taking ProXeed, pycnogenol, and my fertility blend of vitamins.

The results have been fantastic, but the expense of all this can be for lack of a better word expensive. We are willing to do whatever it takes to have a child, but I am looking at ways to try and redduce the expense of my daily ritual of pills and concoctions. The Proxeed runs a litle over $100 a month, pycnogenol about $20, and Fertility blend about $50.

The active ingredient in the ProXeed and the fertility blend is L-Carninite. L-Carnite is a great anti-oxidant and has shown to be effective for diabtes, as well as, the reason I am taking such things...male infertility.

To save a few bucks, although why change anything if it ain't broke, we are going to try and just take the fertility blend, pyconogenol, and a L-Carninite supplement. Since L-Carninite is the main ingredient, taking the supplement should still work since the remaining ingredients are found in my other multi vitamins. We should save at least $50 a month.

If there is a significant change in my future semen analysis we will go back to the ProXeed. Please don't get me wrong about the ProXeed and men planning on taking it or are taking it continue to do so. I think it works great. I am just trying an alternative. I will follow up with the results as soon as they are available.

Infertility Myth #5

THE ENERGIZER BUNNY MYTH
“My biological clock keeps ticking; I can’t afford to take a month off from treatment, even though I could desperately use a break.”

This rings true to my life right now. We are taking a break from treatments so I can have my lap surgery, and since I cannot get in for that until January 14th we are on a break cycle this month. In a way it is kind of nice to just relax and not deal with doctors appointments and what dosage of medicine to inject myself with. But in another way I am sad because we are not doing anything this month to get pregnant, so in a way I feel like every day is a waste. I know that one month is nothing in the grand scene of life, but in a way my life has been has been so centered around getting pregnant that I do not know what to do with myself or my time.

It may be healthy to take a short respite from medical treatment to reassess your situation and renew your energy. As one person put it, “Suspending treatment for a couple of months was such a treat! It rejuvenated me physically and allowed me to reconnect with my husband emotionally and sexually. It was great to live like a normal, married couple for a while. I felt better prepared to continue the difficult work of infertility treatment.” No one can keep going and going, we are not the energizer bunny, and sometimes its healthy to take a step back, however hard it may be.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 21,2008

"The setting of great hope is like the setting of the sun. The brightness of our life is gone."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Caylee Anthony

Just a few days ago it was determined that the remains found in Florida do match little Caylee Anhtony, the toddler that has been missing since this summer. This story truly makes me sick, it makes me physically sick.
Her mother, Casey Anothony was indicted on October 14th 2008, for first-degree murder of Caylee. Police found Casey Anthony's account of Caylee's disappearance suspicious after learning that Casey had not reported her daughter missing for over a month. The last time Casey Anthony claimed to have seen Caylee was on June 9th 2008, but Caylee's disappearance was not reported to police until July 15th 2008.

I cannot beleive that a monther would murder her own child, her own flesh and blood. What is serioulsy wrong with people! Caylee was an innocent 3 year old who did not deserve what happened to her. I understand that her mother was young, but how can people not understand the blessing that children truly are.

I think about all that John and I are going through in order to have a baby and then I think about the people who get pregnant and don't care and don't appreciate the joy that children can bring into their lives.

If Casey Anthony did murder her daughter, becasue she did not want to deal with her anymore then she could have talked to her parents to see if they could help her, or if she really wanted nothing to do with Caylee, give her up for adoption. There are so many great couples who would love to adopt a beauitful little girl.
There is always an option!

I hope that Casey gets a fair trail and that our justice system will prevail and justice will be served, no matter what the verdict is. God Bless Caylee's family, may they finally have some closure.

Infertility Myth #6

THE GUILT MYTH
“I/we must have done something wrong to deserve this.”

It is natural to make a direct connection between our sinfulness and a terrible consequence in our lives. Repeatedly, the Bible warns us about the danger of making this connection because most often it is in error! In the days of the Old Testament, Job’s friends suggested that his troubles were caused by his sin, but they were wrong! In the New Testament the disciples of Jesus thought that a certain man’s blindness was caused by sin, but they were wrong too! (John 9:1-3 NIV).

For infertile couples, there is a great deal of encouragement in what the Bible says about Zechariah and Elizabeth, one of the many infertile couples in the Bible. Luke 1:6 informs us that the couple was upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commandments and regulations blamelessly.

I don't know how many times I have asked myself this very question. I have beat myself up trying to figure out what I have done wrong in my life to deserve this. I look at others who get pregnant so easily and try and figure out what they have done differently in their lives then me. I know that infertility is not a punishment, but I look at John and I and here we are a loving couple that has the ability to care for a child and lots of love to give. I do not know why this journey has been so difficult for us. I have found solace in thinking that this is the just the bad that we have to get through to get to the good, this journey will end at some point, we will not endure this forever.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 20, 2008

My faith runs so very much faster than my reason that I can challenge the whole world and say, 'God is, was and ever shall be'."- Mahatama Ghandi

Infertility Myth #7

THE EQUALITY MYTH
“My husband is hurting as badly as I am, but he just doesn’t show it.”

For the first year that we were trying after the miscarriage- I think John was really casual about the entire sitation he just kept saying it would happen and to calm down. I was the crazy nutcase who was obsessed with getting pregnant, I really have to admit that for the first year I feel like John and I were on two different pages, he wanted freedom and I wanted a baby. I now can honestly say we are on the same page. When the one year mark had hit and we were not pregnant, I think something clicked with him, maybe it was his age or maybe it was just his biological clock ticking louder, maybe it was all friends having babies, but all of a sudden he was much more open to hearing what I had to say about getting pregnant. Espcially the past few months the infertility is hitting him really hard. As much as I hate to see him upset and hurting, it makes me feel better knowing that I am not on this rollar coaster alone. Once we decided together that we would do whatever it took to have a baby things started to get better, yes we are still upset when things don't go our way, but knowing that we can push forward and eventually we will win this battle with infertility helps me sleep a little better.

Now there is some scientific evidence to suggest that husbands and wives do not necessarily face infertility with the same degree of anxiousness and pain. In one study, 50 percent of the women surveyed said that their infertility was the greatest burden they ever had to bear. Only ten percent of the men responded in the same way. Dr. Joe S. McIlhaney has suggested that, while infertility may be deeply frustrating and hurtful for men, infertility can be a “vicious torment” for a woman. Of course, no two couples will experience infertility in the same way. Countless husbands and wives feel a deep sense of loss and emptiness because of infertility.

The most important thing is to talk to your partner, sometimes you have to yell, scream and cry. Going through all the emotions is part of getting through this process. Just knowing you have eachother will get you through this tough time, and in time you will endure, as a couple!

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 19, 2008

"Hope itself a species of happiness and, the one unchangeable certainty is nothing is certain or unchangeable.- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Myth #8

THE SEXIST MYTH
“Infertility is primarily a woman’s problem.”

So many women beat themselves up when conceiving becomes difficult. I remember thinking, "please find something wrong with me" because I know that I will go to the end of the earth to fix it. I just wanted to have control over what was going on. Unfortunately women and men equally share the responsibility of causing fertility issues. Approximately 40 percent of infertility is caused by a female medical factor and 40 percent is caused by a male medical factor. The other cases of infertility are caused by a combined male/female factor or the cause of the infertility is unknown, which is the dreaded "unexplained" infertility.

I think when men are the ones who are found to have a problem that is causing the infertility it is very hard on the man. To a man being able to reproduce is a something that gives a man his manhood. Men are very sensitive when you start talking about their sperm. So when one is told that his sperm is causing a problem, or lack there of sperm its a blow to his masculinity.

We were initially told that John had a sperm problem, that his sperm did not move forward and that the shape of the sperm was not right for fertilization. At first John was very upset, he felt horrible and used to tell me that it was all his fault and he could not give me what I wanted most, a baby. Now, as time went on John came to terms with our male infertility diagnosis and actually can laugh about it now.

The positive side to having sperm problems is that new sperm is created every 90 days, so by taking vitamins, avoiding caffeine, alcohol, hot showers or hot tubs can help the sperm.

John's sperm has actually improved to the point where we were told that the sperm is no longer an issue. So it can happen, just be hopeful and take lots of vitamins and protein shakes.

The Secret Millioniare.

Shannon and I have been enjoying watching the Secret Millionaire the past couple of weeks on FOX. Millionaires pose as unemployed homeless people in attempt to find good people who help others. The millionaires then determine who they feel has the most to offer others and intern the millionaires help them by giving at least a $100,000.

I think it would be great to do the same thing for couples having infertility issues. Not that we can just give them a baby, but we could give them the money to get infertility treatments like IUI or IVF or to even help them with the costs associated with adoptions.

The worry, stress, disappointment and obsession is bad enough without having the helpless feeling of not being able to afford infertility treatments or adopting a child. I would love the ability to just write a check for these things and help others going through what we are.

Inspiratonal Quote of Hope December 18, 2008

"For that is our unyielding faith-that in the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it."- Barack Obama

We need change to our health system. It needs to be mandated that all infertility treatments be covered under all insurance plans.

Myth #9

THE FEMINIST MYTH

I think every woman has these thoughts running through her head. Times have changed we are getting married later and getting more education and starting our families later in life. Gone are the days of getting married at 20 and having all your kids by 25. Now the average age that a woman marries is 25.

“We are in control of our reproductive lives. We can determine when, where, and how we will conceive and give birth.”God gives us wonderful freedom to make many choices, but we must never forget that ultimately we are not in control of our reproductive lives. God is. “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain . . . Sons are a heritage from the Lord . . . “ (Psalm 127 NIV).

We also must accept the reality that fertility declines dramatically with age. With women getting married later in life and starting their families later in life their biological clocks are ticking louder and louder. Most couples want to spend a few years enjoying each other and traveling and doing all the things that you cannot do when you have young children. So with the average age of marriage being 25, most women are not even trying to start their family until they are in their late 20's early 30's. Now while that is still young age, fertility is still declining and it's not going to be as easy as it would have been if a woman was in her early 20's.

We also live in a world that relies heavily on the media. There are always celebrities that are having children in their late 30's and into their 40's, Marcia Cross, Angie Harmon, Courtney Cox Arquette, Jennifer Lopez, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, and Brooke Shields. Now some of these stars have used their celebrity status to inform people on fertility treatments, because many of them had to undergo IVF in order to conceive, some even used donor eggs. But many refuse to comment on how their conception occurred, leading many women to think that they have plenty of time and women are having kids into their 40's and not too worry about it.

Also, while I am very grateful in the advances of modern medicine and all the high tech ways that exist in order to help us infertile conceive. It gives women false hope, they think, "oh I can wait, I will just do IVF" what they do not realize is while IVF does help a lot of people achieve their dream of parenthood, it's success rate does decrease over time, it is not an excuse to wait to start your family. Not in a million years would I think that I, being 28 years old, would be looking into IVF in order to have a family. I mean I young, this should be happening on its own. So be aware, get your FSH tested early and know what you are dealing with. There is nothing wrong with waiting to get married and getting a great education, but do not take your fertility for granted.
Current estimates are that one in ten couples in their 20s experience an infertility problem, but the statistics jump to one in seven for couples ages 30-35; one in five for couples ages 36-40; and one in four for couples ages 41-45.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 17, 2008

"Hope is a risk that must be run."- George Bernanos

Myths #10

There are 10 top myths about infertility, so I am here to blow them out of the water!

1. THE ELIJAH MYTH: You find yourself asking, “Why am I the only one facing this?
Why is everyone else a ‘fertile Myrtle’?”
I do not know how many times I have asked myself this, yes outloud!

The Elijah Complex is common among believers who suffer from infertility. Elijah was a faithful servant of God, but discouragement blinded him from realizing that he was not alone. The Bible paints a descriptive portrait of Elijah complaining to God, “I am the only one left...” God had to pointedly remind Elijah that He had 7,000 other faithful servants in Israel; he was not alone (1 Kings 19:14-18 NIV). Sometimes God needs to remind us that we are not alone!

I have asked God so many times "why this is happening to us" and I have thought so many times that I am only one dealing with infertility. I am the only one of our friends left that has not had kids. That is a very lonely feeling. I have found solace in online message boards, as well as support groups, such as our local RESOLVE chaper. To find your local RESOLVE chapter visit, www.RESOLVE.org, they are an organization that helps couples deal with infertility. Looking into church groups is also helpful, talk to your pastor and see if they are able to introduce you to another couple in your church who is dealing with infertility. Talking to others who are going through what you are will help realize that you are not alone, and you are not crazy. All the feelings that I thought were wrong and crazy were actually normal.

The most important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone, currently there are five to ten million American couples who are facing infertility. To put it another way, approximately one in six couples will face an infertility challenge in their married life.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 16, 2008

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do." Pope John Paul XXII

Taking a Break From All Your Worries...

Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Or so the lyrics go in the Cheers theme song. We are going to to take a break from IUI's for a month or so and give Shannon's body a chance to rest.

Although, I don't think Shannon has thought the IUI procedures were that bad I have had my moments. The bad cramps she's had after the procedures and the this last cycle I thought she was going to bleed to death, but with being the trooper she is doing great...aside from the disappointment.

I am glad she is getting a chance to rest for a moment. I know she wants to have a good time for the holidays. We have friends who have had troubles getting pregnant and a night of relaxation and cocktails led to them getting their bundle of joy 9 months later.

I have a new concern, which is her scheduled laparoscopic surgery. Laparoscopic surgery, also known as minimally invasive surgery, is a modern surgical technique in which operations in the abdomen are preformed through small incisions. We are doing this to see if there is something else going on that we can't tell otherwise without going inside at taking a peak. I guess my concern is, although it doesn't seem that bad, it still is surgery. They have to use anesthetic and Shannon won't be able to lift anything for about a month. At least we will be able to see if there is something else going on that we don't know about and possibly fix it.

The good part is that we can hopefully just get things off are minds for a while. People say if yo just relax it will happen. So we will put that to the test. But I think some how it will still be on our minds. We will be with family and friends for the holidays and sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

Long appt at the doctors

My fertility specalist is usually on time for all her apppointments, but today she was so behind schedule. My appt was at 2:45 and I didn't get into see her until about 4:00. We discussed the issues that I have, we are going to move forward with the laparoscopy, which should be in about a month. I could have it on December 31st, but I really didm't want to have it on New Years Eve day, I mean if I can't be pregnant, then I at least want to drink on New Years.

My doctor thinks we should continue with the IUI's because I am responding well to the drugs, and that we have a good shot that it will work. She also said because of my age we are not hurting anything, I guess we at least have something going for us, the fact that I am under 30 years of age helps things, I guess my biological clock isn't ticking that loudly.

I am going to have some more blood work done, to check my insulin levels and my thyroid levels.

So we are on a break, at least we get to try on our own this month, maybe we will have a Christmas miracle. Then we will resume treatment in late January early February. Maybe the break will be good, I could use a break from all this.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 15, 2008

Never, never, never, never give up."- Winston Churchill

What does God have planned for us?

This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. Shannon and I have had so many up and downs it's overwhelming. Our 2nd IUI has failed, but we are going to continue with procedure as long as we can. Our current insurance provider allows for IUI, but NOT for IVF. IVF is our best chance of getting pregnant, but our current insurance provider does not allow for it. Currently Arkansas, Hawaii, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, and West Virgina are currently the only states that mandate insurance companies cover IVF.

The current price tag, a whopping $20,000, is what we are facing if we have to pay that on our own. And what if it doesn't work? How many times do we keep trying? Do we have to move to another state to get insurance to cover it?

Shannon and I have asked ourselves what does God want from us? Are we being taught a lesson? Are we just not meant to have children? What is his plan for us?

Shannon and I were fortunate to see a young man named Nick Vujicic talk at our church. Nick was born without limbs. He has no arms or legs. Nick talked about growing up with the constant thought of, "Why has God done this to me?" One day Nick realized he had a mission and that his mission was to help others. To tell his story. To show if you think things are bad try not having any arms or legs. One of my favorite stories from Nick is about the word impossible. That impossible is derived from some being lazy and that the word is actually two words "I'm possible."

For me maybe our path is the same as Nick's...to help others. I do have faith that God will give us a child, but are we meant for something else along the way. Are supposed to adopt a child? Fight for state mandates to have infertility treatments be covered in all states? Start a foundation to help good deserving parents to be pay for IVF and other infertility treatments? Or just tell our story to make more people aware? These are just some of the thoughts I am having and a possible answer to why.

Visit www.lifewithoutlimbs.org to hear more about Nick Vujicic's story.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 14, 2008

"Never give up trying to find your way. But do remember sometimes it takes bending to avoid breaking."- Katinka Hesselink

Hip new diaper bag- personalize it today!

I love this great diaper bag from Professionally Personalized. This is a new diaper bag is brand new from the Precious Cargo line. Its practical and stylish. Its roomy enough for everything that you need, diapers, snacks, bottles, and extra cloths. It also comes with a matching folding changing pad. It comes in the the ever popular choclate brown, pink, blue, and black. It has a large zippered pouch along with a side bottle holder and can even hand on a stroller. It can be embroidered with a childs name or initials for that personalized touch. It's the perfect gift for any new mom or dad to be at just under $30.00. To order yours today email sales@professionallypersonalized.com

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 13, 2008

"Families is where are nation finds hope, where wings take dreams."- actual quote from George W Bush

I thought I would post a humorous quote today. We watched the movie Step Brothers last night starring Will Ferrell and John C Reilly and the movie opens with this quote. The quote contained the word "hope" and caught my eye. I got a laugh out of it and I just had to post it.

Is this life?

Tonight John and I spent a comfy relaxing evening on the couch with a pizza and a funny movie. It was really nice. I had almost forgot what its like to have a life, we didn't talk about babies, fertility, treatments, or doctors. It was nice. I have felt really good the past few days, in a way I am happy to be on a break, but on the other hand I am counting the days until my next appt with Dr. L to discuss when my lap will be and what can we do about some of my issues that I have noticed with these last 2 IUI's.
Living in Las Vegas you think I would be hooked to gambling, but that could not be farther from the truth. Yes, I watch movies like 21, and wish I could do that and makes tons of money, but in the end I would much rather go shopping, at least I know I will leave with something. But I think fertility treatments have become my addiction. I feel like I am always doing something that revolves around us having a baby. I know its good to fight for what you want, but I think I need this break. I feel like every moment of every day is consumed with worry of not being able to have a baby and what can we do next and what can I do to my body now? So I need this time to think about other things like Christmas shopping, making Christmas dinner, or hanging out with friends and family. I am so busy at work that is also keeping me super busy during the days. I will be happy to get back to baby making, but I am going to try to keep everything in perspective.

Advances in Infertility Part II

The 2nd part to advances in infertility discusses How in vitro works, egg retrivial, acupuncture, IVF, and frozen eggs.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 12, 2008

"The man who wins may have been counted out several times, but he didn't hear the referee. Never quit or give up...never...give up."- H.E. Janson

Starting at the beginning

For those that are reading this blog there has been a lot of talk about IUI and IVF procedures. I want to take a minute to give you some info if you are just starting out on this road of infertility, and I do hope it is a short one for you.

Most people do not jump right into IUI or IVF, the first step (depending on your diagnosis) is usually a drug called Clomid. Clomid is an orally administered drug that stimulates the ovaries. Clomid can be used alone or in conjunction with timed intercourse or with IUI. It's best to monitored by a OBGYN or an fertility specialist when taking Clomid, because there is an increased risk of multiples and you also want to make sure that it's working and that you are timing your intercourse at the right time. That would suck to have a bunch of eggs and miss the time that they are released.

Clomid can be very helpful for women who have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) because their ovaries sometimes do not function properly. Clomid will help a lot of those women ovulate, therefore giving them the opportunity to become pregnant.

Clomid is fairly inexpensive, especially when compared to other fertility drugs. Clomid is usually covered under an insurance drug plan (I think mine was $8.00 with my insurance) So its a great first step in your journey to parenthood.

I tried Clomid for 2 cycles, they say its best to give it 3 times before moving onto more aggressive treatment. We did Clomid with timed intercourse, but because of our diagnosis at the time we were instructed to stop after the second failure and move onto something that was better suited for our situation. So talk to your doctor and see if Clomid would be a suitable treatment for you, its a great first step and hopefully your only step.
Best of luck, lots of baby dust!

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 11, 2008

"Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never- in nothing, great or small, large or petty- never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense."- Winston Churchill

Feeling better today

Today I went back to work, and I felt better, being busy helped me. I feel very hopeful I have my follow up appt next Monday with Dr. L to discuss my lap surgery, I hope its not too painful, I have heard that the recovery is fairly easy.

John and I had a good conversation last night, about the what ifs in our life right now. Its really hard but we have to stick together. We have said time and time again that we will do whatever it takes to have a baby, and I truly do believe that. I am going to the adoption orientation in January, I am excited to hear about other options and maybe getting started in the process of forming our family.

John and I have our moments, and boy when we fight we fight, but in the end we do really love each other, and that's really what's all about. We have a beautiful home full of stuff, and I think we are both realizing that this stuff doesn't mean anything if we don't have a family to raise in our home. Somehow someway we will have a child, I hope its sooner rather then later, but I can be patient and wait for God's plan, because this really is all in his hands.

Other Couples Going Through What We Are.

I just read on article on MSN from Redbook on there marriage makeover series about a couple going through infertility and the strain it has put on their marriage. The article discussed the roller coaster they have been on for the past 5 years. So many of the same things we have been going through like 4 failed attempts at IVF, which we have only done IUI. The IUI has now failed twice for us. The article also discusses how their romance has evaporated and become scheduled wham bam thank you ma'am sessions. I find it interesting how every ones story seems to be the same and almost living our same life.

Although, the article discussed how it was putting a strain on their marriage I don't feel like that is happening to us. Shannon and I have had our moments brought on by the stress and worry of the whole ordeal, but now I feel it is making our marriage stronger. I stopped by Shannon's work today. She was busy and I had to wait for her. While I was waiting I was thinking how much I love her and how much she loves me to go through all we have had will have to go through. Whatever happens I know our love will continue to grow more and more and that one day, one way, we will have a child.

You can read the article about the couple at:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=14163246&GT1=32023

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 10, 2008

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time when the tide will turn."- Harriet Beecher Stowe

Advances in Infertility Treatment

This video discusses the definition of infertility, factors that affect infertility, fibroids, endometriosis, and ovulation problems.

Its been a bad 2 days

I went back to the RE today, as my period has been super heavy the past two days, to the point where it is not normal. They did blood work and I am not pregnant, the doctor said she is not convinced that I was not pregnant, and maybe I just had a really early miscarriage. She is fine with doing the lap to check from endo, which I am happy about. I really feel I have endo and that is causing issues.

I have felt horrible the past few days, not only physically, but mentally. I feel like this will never end, I know that is not true and this journey will not last forever. But I just feel so bad for John, I can take this, but I know he is hurting so much. I can barely type this without having tears come to my eyes. I feel like I cannot give him what he wants, and he should just be with someone else that can. I hate feeling like that, but I want him to be happy. I would give my life to give him his child, because I want him to be a dad. He doesn't deserve this pain, he has done nothing wrong.

This is so hard, this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I know it cannot last forever and it will all be worth it in the end.

Glimmer of Light...Turns to Dark

Shannon has had an extremely bad cycle this month, which worried me so much, almost seems like she was hemorrhaging. She called the doctor this morning since things have been less than normal and the doctor thought maybe, just maybe at least one of the eggs took. I had a glimmer of hope after this that maybe I would be Dad after all. The thoughts of being Dad ran through my head all day as I looked forward to the possibility. But unfortunately after Shannon doctors visit and another blood test it looks like things are negative.

It feels good to have a glimmer of hope every now and then. Maybe we were pregnant and things didn't quite work out. So the glimmer of light has turned to darkness again. The funny thing today though, I received email from old friend with a message that said. " God has seen you suffering and he says it over. You will be blessed." I also had someone tell me today that God knows you are good person and you are going to be rewarded. And then I received a friend request on Myspace from Jesus. Of course it was Spanish pronunciation of the name, but still it seemed like a sign to me that one day everything was going to work out. Maybe soon.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 9, 2008

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do."- Ella Fitzgerald

RESOLVE support group

Tonight I went to a RESOLVE support group, its a group that meets and talks about going through infertility. It was a great evening to talk to others about going through this roller coaster, it helps to know that you are not going through this alone. We discussed that some doctors are better then others for specific medical conditions. I love my doctor, but sometimes I feel that she is not as concerned with some of my issues and only focuses on the other issues. I have an autoimmune disorder as well as a clotting disorder and I feel that those are being over looked. So I may have a consult with another fertility specialist in town to see if changing some things can cause us to have a successful cycle. I did speak with my doctors office today and I told them that I want to have a lap to look for endo. I have an appt next week to discuss this with the doctor. I know I do not have any of the symptoms, but I do have a big one, INFERTILITY. So I want to know what is going on before we do any other treatments.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 8, 2008

"Never give up, Never give in, and when the upper hand is ours, may we have the ability to handle the win with the dignity that we absorbed the loss."- Doug Williams

A Day of Tears... :-(

Last night night I watched Shannon dance herself silly and having such a great time at the Christmas party we were at last night. We slowed danced through a few songs and I felt so much love towards her. I watched litle girls have a great time as well and envisioned a daughter of our own one day doing the same. But last night that dream came to halt...again.

Todat was a day of tears, as was last night, for both of us. Shannnon had had her period. The pain, the dissapointment, the sadness was the worst yet as another IUI attempt failed. Why is this happening to us? What does God want us to do? Why do we keep having to endure this agony? It kills me to see Shannon so sad. What do we do? Give up? No, the show must go on at all costs. If anyone cares to share your feeling on this please share with us what you are experiencing.

Getting pregnant #5

This video discusses some of the options for couples experiencing infertility. It is also exactly the options we are going through right now.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 7, 2008

"Never let your head hang down. NEVER GIVE UP AND SIT DOWN AND GRIEVE. Find another way."- Satchel Paige

IUI #2 Yet another failure!

Tonight my period started, yes 2 days early again, at least I do not have to worry about getting a negative beta result, I would rather deal with it at home, then getting the bad news at work.
I feel so bad for John, this is so hard on him. I do not even know what to say to him, as I am sure that he doesn't know what to say to me. I have no words right now, just unansweared questions, and unansweared prayers. I want to know why this is happeneing to us, and what I am going to have to do to get pregnant. I feel like I have lost the ability to feel joy. Every month the same hopes and optimism and then every month the same disappointment, I feel like why even think it could happen? I hate that every thought that I have is consumed by thoughts of pregnancy, and fertility, and having a baby. What happened to the other things that I used to think about? I feel like everything in my life is just a distraction. I am seriously thinking of going to see a therapist, or a infertility support group, I need to do some research on those. I need to deal with this better. My anger is going to eat my alive if I don't learn to deal.

WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

WHY! That's all I want to know. Today started great. I knew in a couple of days we would know if we were pregnant. Today Shannon and I had lunch at Zaba's at it was packed. Full families and kids everywhere. Shannon began to get upset seeing all children and I knew she was wishing we were there with one of our own. She calmed down and I thought for sure this time would be the time. We would know we were pregnant in just a couple of days.

Tonight we went to a Christmas party and there were lots of children. Mainly girls, which is what would like, but at this point we would take either sex. All the girls were dancing and having a great time. I pictured a daughter of our own dancing and laughing with the other girls. I knew one day that would become a reality.

Upon coming home Shannon began her period. So again another failed attempt at IUI. Time and time again I ask WHY?! Please God bring us a baby!

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 6, 2008

"Entertain great hopes." Robert Frost

Getting Pregnant #4

This video explains the problems associated with female infertility.

I hate insurance companies!

Let me preface with saying that I have many family members who are in the medical profession, so in no way am I bashing physicians. However, I received my EOB (explanation of benefits) for my IUI, as you know my insurance covers my IUI's at 100%. Now the doctor bills $200 to the insurance company, and gets paid. Now if I did not have insurance coverage I would have to about $2000 to the doctors office, for the same procedure. That is NOT FAIR! What ever happened to getting a discount for paying cash? Its the same thing with IVF, out of pocket you pay about $13,000, but if you have insurance, the doctor gets paid about $1500 for the IVF. Now I am grateful to my doctors who are fighting long and hard to get me pregnant, but I do not understand why there is such a difference in pricing.

I am all for doctors making money, every is in business to make a living, but why can't there be some middle ground. Fertility is one of the only medical avenues where insurance doesn't cover everything. Most other doctors all bill health insurance and get paid for most procedures. But fertility is tricky- some insurance covers nothing, some cover some things, and others cover everything. But that is not fair to get paid more from someone just because they have no insurance coverage. I feel it is taking advantage of patients. Here you have desperate people who so badly want to have children and are willing to pay all this money to do it, so you charge them more money. Why not just charge the same amount as what the insurance would pay? Or at least give them a discount. Example, if insurance pays $200 for an IUI, and the cash price is $2000, why not have the cash price be $500? You are still making money, but making it affordable for people. Why should people be denied their right to parenthood because of finances!?

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 5, 2008

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." Darth Vader

Getting Pregnant #3

Today's video discusses male infertility. Many people believe that women are the cause of infertility, but men are equally responsible.

8 DPIUI #2

Yeah! It's Bring Us A Baby's 100th post on Blogger. Well today is 8 days past our second IUI. This was went much smoother, the only day I had cramping was the day of the procedure, I have been fine since. I feel good, I refuse to start thinking I have pregnancy symptoms. Its still to early to tell anything. I wish I were more optimistic, I guess nfertility just takes away the ability to be excited and hopeful. I wish there was a majic pill to get pregnant, I will I knew what was going on in my body right now. I keep praying, there isn't much more I can do. Just try and stay busy. I have my company holiday party this weekend, I am wondering if I should drink. Even if I am pregnant it won't hurt the baby, but if I knew I was pregnant that I would never drink, so it kinda sucks, I can have fun without drinking, but it would be nice to relax and have a drink with my co workers. Oh well, I guess I can think about it. I am so frustrated, ready to be done with the journey, I feel like I am screaming ,please stop the ride, I WANT TO GET OFF, but no one can hear me, and the rollar coaster is going out of control and I can't stop it. Oh the trials of life!

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 4, 2008

"Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future."- Charles F Kettering

Getting Pregnant #2

This video again reinforces the importance of diet, non- smoking, and best methods to help get pregnant.

Do you have Endometriosis?

Endometriosis or endo as it is commonly know, is a disorder where tissue that is found in the uterus is found other places in the body, and it can directly effect your fertility. The only way to truly diagnosis endo is through a surgical procedure called a laparoscopy (lap). Its a minor outpatient procedure.

Approximately 30-40% of women suffer from endo, and most will deal with infertility. Some common symptoms are;
heavy periods, painful cramps, pain during intercourse, or pain in the lower back, or pain during, before, and after your period and during ovulation.

Now with a lap the endo can be removed and hopefully conception can occur, however in the more extreme cases, stage III and stage IV endo IUI or IVF will need to occur in order to become pregnant.

If you are not looking to get pregnant, going on birth control can help alleviate symptoms, but if you wish to become pregnant be sure to visit your OBGYN or an fertility specialist ASAP for treatment. Endo can be treated, its just about finding the right treatment for you. Many women suffering from endo go on to have healthy pregnancies, but do not wait, if you think you have endo, get to a doctor and get checked out.

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 3, 2008

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast."- Alexander Pope

Getting Preganant #1

This informative video discusses preparing your body for getting pregnant. Advise on eating right, proper vitamins, and exercise.



www.pregnancy.healthsguru.com

Inspirational Quote of Hope December 2, 2008

"Beware how you take away hope from any human being."- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Tis the season!

Well, last night we put up our Christmas tree and I got a good start on putting up the holiday decorations around the house. I love this time year, I have always been a XMAS nut! The more decorations the better. This year its kinda bitter sweet, we just celebrated Thanksgiving with John's family, who all have kids, we have kids ranging from 9 years old to 6 months old in our family. Its very true that kids make the holidays better. I hope and pray that this is our last holiday's with just us, I would have to have a newborn next year at this time, I would even take just being pregnant around the holidays next year. I just do not know how much more my heart can take.
I am trying to not let it comsume me, but its hard, I feel like getting pregnant would take a huge weight off my shoulders, I really forget what its like to not be worried about this.

Inpirational Quote of Hope December 1, 2008

"Hope has been and always will be safe. It's inside everyone of us."- Xena

All the Things We Go Through Facing Infertiltiy...

This video describes so much how Shannon and I feel and the things we go through on a daily basis. Everybody we know who is experiencing the same issue of infertility seems to have the same feelings and emotional ups and downs like we do. I pray one day no one will ever have to go through what we have had to endure ever. I know there are a lot of people going through some hard times right now and we pray for them as well, but for us at the moment this is our hard time.

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 30, 2008

"Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."- English Proverb

Caffeine- is it effecting your fertility?

Now, I am a devot caffeine drinker- I am addicted to diet soda and I love coffee- but I have done some research on the effects of caffeine and our fertility and this what I have found:

One study showed that women who ingested 300 mg. of caffeine per day or more had a 27% lower chance of conceiving than those who had no caffeine. But other studies have suggested little or no correlation between caffeine and fertility. So there is really no concrete evidence that shows that caffeine equals infertility. However
to be on safe side, if you're trying to get pregnant, it's probably wise to cut back on the caffeine. Most experts agree that moderate amounts of caffeine — less than 300 mg. a day — don't appear to affect a woman's fertility. Becaue remember when you are pregnant you have to limit your caffeine, so why not start early.

A great alternative is to switch to caffeine free soda- or start drinking Perrier water- it still has the fizz like soda. Also those new fruit drink, Izze's are great, they are 70% fruit juice and again have some fizz to them, but no caffeine. So think ahead and be healthy, why take any risks!?

IUI success rates

Since we have been going through the IUI process I thought I would share the numbers side of it and answer the much asked question, just how effective is IUI?

For a couple with unexplained infertility, and the female is less then 35 years of age, and they have been trying to conceive for 2 years, with normal sperm- here are the numbers:

8% chance per month of conceiving and delivering with IUI- this is using Clomid as a drug to stimulate the ovaries.
10%- 30% chance per month of conceiving and delivering with injectable FSH medication (Follistim, Gonal F)

This is directly related to the number of mature follicles. Now using injectables will increase the number of follicles, for the best chance of success at least 3 mature follicles is the goal. The more follicles, the more eggs, therefore more targets for the sperm, therefore a better chance of conception.

I have done Clomid, and I had 2 mature follicles, with Follistim I have had 4 one cycle and 5 on another, so the injectable medication is definitely more powerful, my suggestion go for the injectables, its your best shot!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 29, 2008

"Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone else does thinking."- Richard Buckminster Fuller

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 28, 2008

"Faith is different for proof; the later is human, the former is a gift from God."- Blaise Pascal

Happy Thanksgiving!

May everyone have a blessed holiday. Let's all remember what we are thankful for.

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 26, 2008

"Faith is putting all year eggs in God's basket, then counting your blessings before they hatch."- Ramona C. Carroll

With Sperm Like That...Who Needs Infertiliy?

Well, folks. Shannon and I had another go at IUI. Once again my semen analysis was FANTASTIC. The little guys were swimming like Michael Phelps. What a difference things have been since I had my first semen analysis and started taken ProXeed. The stuff really works.

I really hope this time is it. Although, I always think this is it. I will always remain positive and not give up until we are pregnant. My biggest thing right now is seeing Shannon in such discomfort. I think she is a trooper. She thinks she is a baby, but I love her for going through all this. I know it will all be worth it someday. Thank you sweetie!

Folks please pray for us. Finding out we are pregnant would be the best Christmas present would could ask for this year.

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 25, 2008

"Faith is permitting ourselves to be seized by the things we do not see." Martin Luther

IUI #2 is a go!

Well, I had my last ultrasound today and I have 4 perfect follicles. Again our doctor is like, oh god here we go with 4, but she is very happy with my progress. So I will trigger tonight with the HSG shot and then the IUI is scheduled for Wednesday morning, then I will be on the couch for the rest of the day!

So hoping and praying this works!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 24, 2008

"Keep your faith alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."- Gail Devers

Almost time for IUI #2

I go tomorrow for what I hope is my last ultrasound, hopefully all my follicles will be ready to go and I can trigger tomorrow night and our IUI will be on Wednesday. I am so ready for this to be the winning one! We had dinner with our friends last night, the wife is pregnant and due in like a month. It was so hard! They had asked us to meet them at their house, becasue they wanted to show us the finished nursery. Thank god John said, no we will just meet you at the restaurant. But the husband was still showing us pictures. I know he's proud of his work, he did a great job with the painting, but come on, you know we are struggling to have kids, WHY would you do that. Its like grinding salt into the wounds. I just kept saying, its really cute, I mean what else was I going to say? John and I both feel that they stole our nursery idea, pink and brown, and thats why they are making a big deal about it. Oh well, there are lots of pink and brown nursery's, it a very popular color sceme right now. I dont care about that, but its like, yes you did a good job, now SHUT UP!!!

When The Rain Comes...Tears Will One Day Be of Joy Rather Than Disappointment

This video of a couples Infertility Journey caught my eye and my heart. We know exactly what they are going through, as well as, every other couple facing infertility. Like Kellie Coffey's video for "I Would Die For That" it is full of facts regarding infertilty. I know one day the tears of disappoint we have been experiencing will one day be tears of joy.

Putting Feelings Into A Song...I Would Die For That.

In Kellie Coffey's song "I Would Die For That" she describes the feeling of not being able to have children and the pain of infertility. The song sums how Shannon and I feel exactly. Why do people get pregnant when they don't want to be? Why is it so much easier for others? Why do people have abortions when so many people want to have children and can't? The video is full of facts that infertile couples go through and experience on a daily basis. I have found we all keep asking ourselves the same question...Why?

www.kelliecoffey.com

You Have Stolen My Heart Star Wars Style

Hi, folks, John here. Shannon's new favorite song and new phrase has grown on me tremendously. I am a Star Wars Geek and leave it me it have to post the video for this in Star Wars format. I have joked with her many times on naming our kids Anakin or Padme or if we have twins Luke and Leia. Luke is a keeper for both of us, but I guess I am not going to win with the other names. Oh well, I will take just a baby...name or no name. Having a baby is what's important to me the most now.

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 23, 2008

"When you put faith, hope and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world."- Zig Ziglar

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 22, 2008

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."- Helen Keller

Nameberry.com

Well in the spirit of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz's new little bundle of joy being born on Thursday, being named Bronx, which is a very different name, I discovered this website, www.Nameberry.com. Its fabulous it has a great database of names and it has very different lists, stuff like:
1. Names of children most likely headed to Harvard (yes our favorite baby name was on there!)
2. Yuppie names (yes our favorite name was on there!)
3. If you love (insert trendy name) you will also love
4. Classic names that are trendier then you would think

Its really a fresh take on baby names, and the way they are listed is very cool, I was addicted to the site in like 2 seconds. So log on and check out your favorite names!

John and I like the majority of the same names, so that's good, at least we don't argue over naming our children. But we like very classic names. I like trendy names, but I refuse to have my kids in school, and attendance is being taken and they get to Ava, Madison, Aiden, and Max and every kid has their hand in the air. I also do not want my kid to be 40 years old and have a name that sounds babyish. I mean I would like my kids to be successful, and can you really be successful with a name like, Heaven or Princess? I mean get real! I know they sound cute now, but are they really cute when the kid grows up. We need to think about what this name is going to look like on a wedding invitation, on a door plaque and on a business card. Would you go to do a doctor with a name like Princess? Or would you hire an attorney with a name like Zuma? I wouldn't!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 21, 2008

"Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts."- Ruth Gordon

You have stolen my heart!

My new favorite song, I cant wait to play this for our baby. I am totally putting this in the nursery, "You have stolen my heart" little one!

Love always,
Mommy

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
Invitation only, grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart
I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

Runaway follicle!

Today I went back to have another ultrasound- and I have 4 follicles growing strong. But if you remember I have 5 2 days ago, so I guess one got scared and ran away! No, that happens sometimes, it may have just not been mature, or it was not developing right. The doctor said it may catch up and reappear when I go back on Monday. So I have another ultrasound on Monday and hopefully the IUI on Wednesday, right before my Thanksgiving. My little turkey baby! How I would love to get pregnant on the most wonderful day of the year. I love Thanksgiving, and I am really trying to be thankful for everything I do have in my life, but to have a little one next Thanksgiving would be the best thing ever!

I want to take a minute to send out congratulations to my fellow nestie, Rachel, she gave birth to her son on Saturday! He is happy and healthy. This is one girl that has been through the ringer. They have had two failed adoptions and finally did it with IVF, it only took then 22 cycles! I am so happy for her and her husband. She sent out a video showing her son's birth, we were all in tears! Welcome to the world baby Brighton!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 20, 2008

"Faith is like radar that sees through the fog."- Corrie Ten Boom

Back to the doctors tomorrow

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to find out how I am progressing and find out when our IUI will be. I am so hoping it will be Saturday or Sunday- that would make things so much easier for me.

I feel fine, no symptoms- Follistim is easy, the shots don't hurt and there are so weird side effects. I hope I don't have the awful cramps again, those were scary, they were so out of the blue.
But, if this works I dont care what I have to go through. Please work please work please work, thats all I keep saying over and over and my head. I should actually change that to , this will work, this will work!

Well, its been a long day, actually about a 14 hour day, so I am going to relax, and go to bed soon!

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 19, 2008

"To me faith means not worrying." John Dewey

Follicle Check today

Today I went to have my first ultrasound and I have 5 follicles again! I cannot believe how well my body responds to the Follistim.
I would absolutely love to have twins, after everything we have been through it would be such a blessing, however I refuse to be greedy so one would be just as much as a blessing.

We are a little more then a week away from Thanksgiving, I love this time of year. When its not hot, but its still nice out. Its the jeans and sweater weather I call it. I still have the sunroof open in the car and its so nice. I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have. A beautiful home, a great family, a husband who would do anything for me, but in ways I feel so empty, I want to celebrate the holidays with our children.

So its hard to spend time with our family who all have children, because we are the odd duck out, the childless ones! But I will get through it.

Inspirational Quote of Hope November 18, 2008

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent."- Jean Kerr

Will this ever end?

I don't think I have ever wanted something to end so bad in my life. I hate this struggle, I just want to have a baby, just one. People have them everyday and they are conceived everyday. Why do I have to enlist the help of 2 doctors and lots of drugs and procedures just to do what comes naturally to others?
I hate that I do not know when this journey will end, its all the uncertainty that drives me crazy. I hate that I could potentially have IVF insurance coverage in a few months, but then on the flip side, John could get laid off and then we don't have it. Its like can't they please just wait until May to lay him off? It could be 6 days, or 6 months with these lay offs. No one knows, so everyday we just wait, every day is one day closer to getting the insurance that we need.

I have been doing so much research on companies that cover IVF, my next plan is to start applying at those companies. I would leave my nice office job with a personal assistant and go work at McDonald's if it meant I could have IVF coverage. That is so sad! Here I am a college graduate and I would give up a career to go flip burgers at a greasy fast food restaurant.
Damn insurance companies, why can't they all just pay for IVF! Why can you have a baby if you have enough money. That is not right!

IVF scares the crap out of me, I refuse to do it if we have to pay for it ourselves. The stress and pressure of it having to work that one time is too great. I do not think I could handle it if it didn't work. Its a 50/50 shot, at least with adoption you will get a baby eventually.

So tomorrow is another day, another day that I have to look at everyone else's babies, at other pregnant women's bellies and think about why not me? I pray every day for God to please bring us our baby. I just want to close this chapter of my life. I am tired of worrying about it, of researching it, and dealing with not being able to have kids, that is my biggest fear. I just want to scream. I want that ball in the back of my throat to go away. I want to stop crying tears of sadness. Off to bed, at least I don't have to think when I am asleep. Its the one time of peace that I have in my life.